Chemo Eve (for my second to last infusion)

Well tomorrow I go in for my second to last chemo infusion.  I get emotional every time I think about being done with this.  I've felt really good for almost a week now, and am trying to emotionally prepare for the crappy crap that I know is inevitable starting tomorrow.  This last cycle was a doozy, and I'm sure the last two will be no better.  BUT, I have learned an important lesson:  When I am dealing with terrible side effects and it seems unbearable, I need to go to the doctor right away.  They have drugs to help.  Let me explain.

I was sick for my usual one week following a chemo infusion, then woke up the Wednesday following chemo feeling GREAT.  I spent a day and a half feeling like a champ, then (of course) overdid it and ended up flat on my back for about a week.  The culprit?  Hemorrhoids and terrible mouth sores.

I've probably mentioned that constipation is a major side effect of chemo, and I have to constantly take measures to keep it all in check.  Well, that condition, coupled with my "overdoing it" (cooking, cleaning, playing w/ kids, out to eat...), was a recipe for disaster.  Now I know it's gross to talk about, but it is my hope that my blog will help someone else who is going to go through what I'm going through, so I don't see the point really to sensor too much.  I have also come to realize that getting hemorrhoids is pretty common, but you wouldn't know because WHO EVER TALKS ABOUT IT?!   Anyways, the point is that I was able to be healed rather quickly after going to the urgent care clinic on Sunday, then meeting with the nurses at my herceptin infusion on Wednesday.  Thank goodness!  It was soooo miserable.  Standing hurt, sitting hurt, laying down hurt.  Ugh, I'm glad it's over.

I was also dealing with mouth sores for the first time.  Another chemo side effect.  I would cry when I put food in my mouth it hurt so bad.  It hurt to even drink a fruit smoothie!  I didn't realize that there was anything they could do for me, but after talking to my nurse during herceptin, I was able to get a prescription for something that was actually called, "Magic Mouthwash"!  It worked SO WELL!  I was so mad at myself for waiting so long to talk to someone about the awful mouth sores.  I had just continued to rinse with the warm water/salt/baking soda mixture that they had told me about before.  And it didn't help at all.

So anyways, I started feeling so much better towards the end of last week, and pretty much felt like a normal person for almost a week.  Trevor and I were able to go out for a while on Saturday and do some Christmas shopping really for the first time.  We got a lot accomplished sans kids.

Also, in there somewhere, I took Emma and Ellie to the Nutcracker at the Performing Arts Center down the street from us.  We had a great time.  I was going to just take Emma, but Susan (my sister) came up for the day to help me and suggested she come too, and bring Ellie.  It was so fun!  Ellie was really good during the whole thing.  Here are some pictures of that day:

 
Emma had her dress picked out WEEKS ago, when I told her we were going to go to the Nutcracker.  The dress is really a dress up dress, but I couldn't talk her in to anything else, so I thought "why not?".  She was so happy.  The bottom picture is of most of the group we went with.  We had so much fun!

This last weekend, our stake put on our first annual Nativity Festival.  It was beautiful and so well put together.  It was a very spiritual experience for all of us who were able to attend.

This is Emma with her friend, Esther dressed up in the kid's room.There were crafts for them to do, little nativity scenes they could play with, and the dress up nativity scene.

This is a picture of us in the Live Nativity portion of the event.  This scene was set up at one end of the gym, and the entire rest of the gym was set up with over 550 nativity scenes from all over the world.  People were able to walk around and look at all of them, and the live scene was an amazing one to stop at.  It ran continuously for the afternoons and evenings the festival was open, and the people switched out every half hour. In this picture, I am Mary, Trevor is Joseph standing to my right, and Isaac is a shepherd boy kneeling to my left.  Our friends Evan and Pierce were also shepherds.  Our job was to be still and gaze adoringly at the little doll which was baby Jesus.  It was a pretty cool experience.  It was incredible to be able to take a half an hour to just sit and reflect on the miracle of Christ's birth.  Isaac and Pierce were able to sit still the whole time because we promised them cookies at the end!

Well that's it for now.  Wish me luck as I go in to my infusion tomorrow.  I am excited to get it over with. :)  Thanks to all of you for your love, prayers, and support.  I am the luckiest girl I know. I am surrounded by amazing people who work so hard to make my life easier.

Ups and downs

You know, I've had good days and I've had bad days.  Isn't that what life is all about?  Experiencing both joy and pain, sickness and health, ups and downs?  This is how we learn, grow and progress.  I know this.  I understand that we need to go through the miserable times to help us better appreciate the great times, and I'm glad for that perspective, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself! ;) 

That's where I was last week:  feeling very, very VERY sorry for myself.  Let me tell you something about going through menopause.  It ain't fun.  It messes with your mind, emotions, sleep patterns, internal thermometer... I was either in tears or on the verge the entire week.  Not to mention the other stuff chemo does to me: constipation, changed taste buds, my mouth feeling "weird", headaches, and the ever present fatigue.   BUT my symptoms and moods are kind of predictable, and I remember to tell myself that it's all temporary and it's the chemo's fault.  Not Trevor's.  Not the kids'.

I did a lot of reading that week.  Reading of other people's cancer experiences.  I read a really good article by a woman who was about my age and went through cancer treatments in 2010.  She's about my age and kept a detailed journal throughout her treatments and compiled some of her thoughts in to an article.  It was so VALIDATING for me to read her words.  I identified with so many of her feelings.  For example, she cried when the nurse inserted the needle for the IV.  I totally do that!  Every single time I get poked with a needle, whether it's in my port, arm, or butt, a single tear trickles down my face.  I hate it.  Needles never bothered me before, but I hate them now.  Hate.  Another thing she put in to words for me is this:  

"I thought having fatigue, as the doctor referred to it, meant I'd be out like a light. Nope. In fact, actual sleep is elusive. Fatigue means curling up under a blanket without moving. For hours. My mind is usually racing, but my body is perfectly still."

Then she goes on to say that her parents convinced her to move back in with them (she was engaged, no kids) for the duration of cancer treatments.  She does this and is able to be taken care of by them, rarely leaving their home except when she goes to the city for her chemo treatments.  I have to admit that made me REALLY jealous.  Not that I don't love my kids.  I mean come on, have you even seen our family photos?  They are adorable.  I CLEARLY love my kids.  But to be able to "curl up under a blanket without moving for hours" and give in to the fatigue sometimes sounds nice.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/article.aspx?cp-documentid=30982257&OCID=LIKE

OK, apparently I don't know how to insert a link into a blog, but if you want to read it, you may copy and paste!  I really could go on forever about the things she writes about that strike a major nerve in me. I wanted to find her email address so I could send her an email and thank her for sharing her journal with the world.  It was truly therapeutic to read and was a factor in my decision to find a good support group of young breast cancer survivors to join. 
So anyways, it's not all so terrible all the time.  Really, it's not. It's that first full week after a chemo treatment that's a doozy.  Then the next 2 weeks are better. Seriously better.  Like, I'm almost a normal person.  In fact I just got home from a Zumba party!

It just happened to be a Party in Pink-a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen Foundation.  It was a blast!  It was my first time doing Zumba in a club type setting, and I loved it.  I just wish I could have kept up a little better.  I have very little energy or stamina right now, but I did the best I could.  Trevor even came and shook it with the rest of us!  Well, he's still not sure if Zumba is his "thing", but I think he did awesome. My friend Jamie was one of the instructors there and she had asked me ahead of time if I could say a few words to the group to help them understand the importance of breast cancer research.  When I got up on the stage, they all clapped and cheered for me before I even said a word.  (It was the bald head that tipped them off that I was a cancer survivor-either that, or they could see my port under my baggy pink t-shirt.  No, it was the bald head for sure!)  I told them my story, specifically how I came to be diagnosed, and how treatments are going.  They laughed, they cried, they cheered lots for me (where were they all last week when I was crying in my bathtub?  I coulda used some cheers then!)  and I made sure I put in a nice plug for the NEXT Zumba fundraiser that was being held next weekend for... ahem... me.

Yes, my dear fundraising friends are at it again and I couldn't love them more for it!  Next Saturday, November 5th, from 11:00am to 12:30pm in Stanwood. I am so very thankful for those that spend so much time and energy raising money for us during this time.  I cannot express how much it means to us.

Well I need to go catch some ZZZZ's now.  Tomorrow morning (9am) is the children's primary program at church and we can't be late!