My PAP moment

I am sitting here alone on my cozy reclining loveseat eating a warm homemade orange cinnamon roll.  A tall cold glass of skim milk is within reach, a couple of pillows prop up my left arm, and my favorite down throw is covering the bottom half of my legs.  Not too hot, not too cold.  The house is silent except for the occasional rumble of Trevor's snore in the next room. (He's getting over a cold - the snore is actually kind of sweet. Probably wouldn't be if it was an all-the-time thing!) To try to sum up how I'm feeling today, a few words came to mind: Content, Happy, Blessed.  Yes, yes, and yes.  But then "Perfectly at Peace" came to mind.  Or, PAP.  I guess you could say I'm feeling pappy. Hmmm...

As many of you know, I had my last radiation appointment on Monday!  Those appointments were daily for 5 1/2 weeks.  The routine was very predictable:  I'd go in, untie my hostpital gown, then lay back with my arms above my head into the mold of myself on the table behind me.  The mold ensured I would be in the same position each time I went in.  Then 2 or 3 radiation therapists surrounded me, put a warm blanket over my legs, and made light chit chat all the while drawing on me w/ markers, and sticking "beacons" on my chest. They'd move the table saying things to eachother like, "moving 4cm inf" and "moving 3cm post".  Sometimes while drawing on my chest, stomach or armpit, one of them would rest their hand on my chin or neck and immediately apologize for touching me there.  I would say, "Seriously, you're going to apoligize for touching my CHIN while you're drawing on my CHEST?!"  Too funny!

Then, once they had me all positioned where they wanted me, they had to put on the brass bolus.  Now, most of you probably have no idea what that is, and I didn't either.  Well, here's a picture of what it looks like:

This is kind of amazing:  I was going to try to explain that the bolus looked like a fancy sequined disco top, but then I decided to go to Google Images instead to show you.  Well the first picture I came across was this one, and it just happens to be a picture of Erin, a friend of mine that I met through YSC!  I pulled it straight from her blog, myfightagainstpink.blogspot.com. Crazy!  She is someone who I look up to in a big way, she's very strong, beautiful and chose the same reconstruction path as me, so I like to ask her questions and find out what it will be like later down the road.  They only put the bolus on my left side, I'm feeling badly for Erin right now, as it looks like she had her entire chest radiated. Ugh. And in case you're wondering, yes, the thing is COLD going on.  They'd always joke that they pulled it out of the freezer just for me! 

Anyways, from what I understand, the bolus tricks the machine into thinking it is your skin.  Then the radiation goes through the bolus and really hits your actual skin with full force.  I guess for someone like me with a tumor that was close to the skin, it helps ensure that the skin gets properly burned.

And burned it is!  My breast and chest are dark pink, but my armpit has turned gray.  The skin is peeling back, so it's all raw under there.  Yuck.  I have to apply a cream called Silvadene to the skin that is broken.  And Radiagel to the skin that is red or pink, but not broken.  I digress.

I think I was explaining what went on during my daily visit to recieve my radiation. 

Taping the bolus in place was usually the part that took the longest.  It had to be situated with no wrinkles or creases, or gaps.  Then, they'd all leave the room, close the 18 inch thick lead door, and watch me on the monitors while the machine radiated me in 3 different areas: my armpit, my breast, and my collarbone area.  For each field, I would hold my breath for 20-30 seconds.  Then the machine moved to the next position, and I'd hold my breath again.  OK, I realize that I'm actually boring myself as I type this.  Moving on...

Remember that PAP moment I was having as I begun this point?  I'm starting to wonder if it was the vicodin talking!  Haha!  My armpit area was hurting earlier, so I popped in a couple of those, and boy am I RELAXED right now... Ahhh...

Well I was planning on filling you all in on the "Courage Night" that I attended last night at the Pan Pacific Hotel in Seattle.  It was so amazing.  I think I'll have to blog about it another time.  I just need to sleep right now.

I love you, my dear friends and family.  I don't know how I could have come through this without the unwavering support and love from each of you.  OK, the vicodin is making me extra sentimental.  I think if I were a drinker, I'd be one of those really lovey dovey drunks.  I lvoe you gsuy sooooo muhc!

Radiation's not so bad yet

Hi, y'all! I swear the better I feel, the more I forget that I have a blog and some loyal subscribers I need to keep happy!  Yes, you heard it (read it).  I have been feeling really good.  I actually think radiation so far is more of a mind trip than anything else.  I have been so nervous about what is going to happen to me and how I'm going to feel, but it really hasn't been too bad yet!  I am really pink all over my left breast, arm pit, and collarbone area.  A pretty weird thing is that I'm starting to get pink on the left side of my upper back, too.  Yes, the radiation goes right on through to the other side.  Isn't that crazy??!! I also have what my Rad Onc called a "hot spot" in my arm pit. It is a purplish gray color kind of in the crease where it probably rubs the most when I move and stuff.  The GREAT thing is that I am numb for the most part in my breast and arm pit areas because of the mastectomy and axillary node dissection.  I'm sure it would bother me more if I felt it more.  So for now, I'm trying to keep my arm away from my body - I started using a small pillow to hold in my armpit, which also reminds me to not move my arm too much. 

We have been so blessed this month to be the recipients of tickets to do some fun fun family outings.  SCCA receives donations from businesses and individuals to provide these tickets and passes to the patients and their families.  Just this month, we've been up the Space Needle,
taken a harbor cruise around Elliot Bay, and sat in a private suite at Century Link Field to watch a Sounders Game. (We also got to attend a game earlier courtesy of Trevor's brother Ryan's employer). Trevor and another one of his brothers attended a Mariner's game using the tickets I won through SCCA. So, even though radiation can be a nuisance (I drive in to Seattle daily for my appointment) it has been neat to enjoy the perks. Here are some cute pics of our recent adventures:

We were standing in front of a green screen when this picture was taken (right before we went up the elevator at the space needle), then we were able to pick the backdrop we liked the best!

Argosy Cruise!



Isaac on the waterfront in Seattle.  We spent a day shopping in the fun shops, eating icecream, then going on our harbor cruise.

Emma and Ellie picking flowers at Twin Rivers Park here in Arlington.  We were going to walk down a trail to the river so we could throw rocks in, but all of the trails were either flooded or too muddy for our little family to pass.  Wah wah wah...

This is us sitting in our suite at the Seattle Sounders game!  It was so much fun.

We had a big fun Hammond family day at Kayak Point last Saturday, this is Emma on top of the fort the cousins were all building.



We were staying at a friends' cabin in Roslyn a couple of weekends ago.  Isaac is standing on the shores of Lake Cle Elum.

Now I'm wishing I was better at keeping up my blog, as I look through the pictures we've recently taken I realize that we really have done some fun things this month!  I really feel so blessed right now.  The cancer treatments are winding down and life is already starting to just feel "normal" again.  My last radiation appointment is scheduled for Monday the 14th.  That's only 4 more!!!!



Tit for Tat (and Tats for Tit)

So I took a little break from blogging and am now ready to jump back in to it.  I feel like I haven't had much to write about and I've been feeling so good and "normal" that blogging about cancer hasn't really been top on my priority list.  The past month or so I've been going to physical therapy to regain the range of motion in my arms and shoulders.  I also went to the plastic surgeon weekly for fills in my expanders.  I had to do those things before radiation began because my Rad Onc said not to do physical therapy during.  Also, I can't be expanded during or after radiation because the skin gets very tough and non-stretchable.

Mainly I'm blogging again because of the hilarious title I came up with.  You all know that I'm not one to get tatoos, really but cancer does something to you.  It changes you.  I decided to live a little and get inked.  I actually have 4 new tatoos.  Now don't get too excited, I didn't go overboard.  I didn't get a cool saying written in Japanese, or a snake around my bicep or even a Precious Moments character.  No, I went with 4 small black dots.

My Radiation Oncologist made me do it.  They are to help line up the lasers so they can find the right place to hit me with the radiation.  Wah wah wah.  Yes, I started radiation yesterday.  I'm a little nervous about what is going to happen to my skin.  Picture the worst sunburn you've ever had.  Then add a grayish black color to it.  Then peel back some of the skin.  Then add some huge cracks in the skin.  Then burn the other side of the body because the sun actually went all the way through the body and burned the other side.  That's what I'm scared of.  But they say that not everyone's body reacts the same way.  So maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who escapes w/out too much damage.

Last Wednesday, at my YSC support group, I was able to peek at some of the other girls' skin and pictures of what happened to their skin during radiation.  That's why I'm so scared.  The other side effect is fatigue.  Supposedly, radiation makes you really really tired.  But that's definitely manageable.

Speaking of fatigue, I'm so tired right now.  I'm going to bed.  Goodnight!