Reconstruction-Eve

Hey guys, it' been a while since I've even thought about my blog.  I'm been reading the memoir of Stephanie Nielson, who is that famous mommy blogger who survived a plane crash and was burned on 80% of her body.  (Very inspiring story, I highly recommend it).  Anyways, it kind of reminded me that I have a blog too, and I should update!  When I logged on, I saw that I haven't updated since June.  What a WONDERFUL 6 month it's been!  Healthy, happy, blah blah blah...  First of all, here's my new 'do:

I guess it's not so new anymore, because I got my hair cut over 3 weeks ago.  I had a crazy 'fro with a mini mullet before this hair cut, (I don't even think there are any pictures of me at that stage!) so I am really excited to have had it cleaned it up.  It's kind of counter-intuitive to have your hair cut, when all you want to do is grow out your hair, but I found a great blog, where a gal documented her hair as she grew it out from a pixie.  I loved it every step of the way, so I'm going to have my stylist copy it.

I wanted to let you all know that tomorrow I am going in for my first reconstructive surgery.  My hard and uncomfortable tissue expanders will be removed and replaced with silicone implants.  I am beyond excited, as these expanders are pretty uncomfortable.  Think of 2 really hard rocks, then imagine them being surgically inserted into your chest, behind your pec muscles.  Then keep them there for a year.  Oh, and sometimes go in to the doctor and have them increase the size of said rocks.  Oh yeah and picture that those rocks are a little uneven in their placement and are a little too high and far apart. Now, wouldn't you be excited for reconstruction too? :)

The surgery will only last for a couple of hours and I will come home the same day.  I admit I was a little bummed about not getting to spend the night at the hospital.  I heart spending the night in the hospital.  Yeah, I'm weird.  It's just that there are no dirty dishes to clean or arguing kids to yell at there.

Well, good luck to me.  I'll let you know how it goes!

Keep on Keepin' on!

I get asked alot now how I'm doing... And my immediate answer is always "Sooo good!"  And it's true, it is really amazing being done w/ most of my treatments.  A couple of days ago at Isaac's cub  scout camp, I remarked to one of the other den leaders that the clouds looked like cotton balls in the sky.  She goes, "Oh, there goes your "appreciation for the small things in life" again!"  I had to laugh, because it's totally true that I see in color now rather than black and white.  So to speak. 

However, what most people don't know is that I broke down in tears alone in my car when I heard on the radio that Sheryl Crow had a brain tumor.  I had the same reaction when I heard about Robin Roberts' blood disorder.  It's not necessarily that I have this big looming fear of death hanging over my head, but I have a big looming fear of ever having to endure chemo again. 

I love it when friends and family are able to speak frankly with me about my hopes and fears.  Pretending that recurrence is not a possibility does not help me move on, or forget about cancer.  All it will do is make me not want to share my true feelings, and that ain't healthy!

So right now, I'm trying to adjust to what I'll call (for lack of a newer fresher term) my new normal.  Now that I look and feel healthy, I try to go about my normal activities until I completely crash and realize I'm not ready yet to do it all.  One of the hardest things for me right now is that in my mind I have a huge stack of IOU's that need to be repaid.  My family was served tirelessly for the past 9+ months, and now that I'm well(er), I want to whip them out and start paying everyone back.  It's soooo hard for me not to do this.  However, the truth is, I still require a couple hours of sleeping each afternoon.  And I can barely keep up with my own family's needs. 

As I read over this, it kind of sounds to me like I'm asking for help again.  But no, it thrills me each day to feel self sufficient(ish).  Seriously.  My heart flutters a little whenever I think about cooking a yummy meal, or vacuming and tidying a room all by myself.  It feels amazing to be able to do beads with the girls, or help w/ Isaac's cub camp.  I am so happy I had help when I needed it, but I LOVE being able to do it myself.

Anyways, I'm signing off for now... thanks for all the love and support, I am sooo blessed.

Amazing 5K / Carnival in Auburn (post #1)

Holy cow, I am still just on a high from the amazing weekend we just had!  Where do I even start?  Well, several months ago, my dear friend Emily Stevens told me that she wanted to plan a 5K fundraiser to help our family with the medical bills.  I imagined at the time about a dozen people from her ward getting together running through the streets of Auburn.  I had NO IDEA what it was going to turn into!  Emily enlisted Amber, Candi and Wendy to help her plan not only a 5K, but a full on barbeque and carnival too!  They called around to secure donations and an actual sponser of the event (Thanks MOLEN ORTHODONTICS!).  I seriously think it was my mad dancing skills at homecoming Junior year that secured that one, but who knows? But I do know the event was well funded and turned out to be so fun and memorable for all of us. 

When we showed up to the Game Farm Park in Auburn Saturday morning, it was drizzling.  Then it started pouring.  We had rented out the ampitheater area, and were setting up tents around the perimeter for the different carnival attractions.  We were trying to keep positive as we were setting up, but it was hard to not huddle under the pop-up tents to stay warm and dry.  WHO FORGOT TO PRAY FOR SUN?! 

But, the weather decided to cooperate after a little while, and ended up being just perfect!  One of the first things I did before anything else was secure myself a sweet balloon hat.  I didn't want the day to go on without everyone being constantly reminded that it was all about me.  So I went over to Bud Little before he even started his balloon art booth and demanded something AMAZING.  You be the judge:

Yeah, that's what I thought.  So then, we all gathered together to do a one mile walk - you know, to make those of us who were not going to run a 5K feel like we did something physical.  And I'm pretty sure all the runners in the crowd needed the warm up.  Oh, and there was some pretty good conversation and catching up that went on during the walk. 

One thing that was pretty trippy for me on this day was the fact that my worlds all collided.  The friends I grew up with meeting the friends that live up in Arlington with me now meeting my Hammond and Mower family relatives meeting friends from when I was in the singles ward.  I hope they all liked eachother.  I was just trying to keep all of my stories straight.  I couldn't remember which people I had told which lies. ;)

Cavin and Tory couldn't contain their excitement!  I'm pretty sure they ran the 5K like this, too.

After the walk, the 5K commenced. 

Here, Em is outlining the rules of the race:  No drafting, No cutting, No speedwalking, No coloring your hair any unnatural colors...

I heard that my brother in law Ryan drafted behind Tory pretty much the whole time.  I guess here's proof!

As far as the actual 5K goes, I'll admit, I kind of played the "cancer card". (Did you guys even know there was a cancer card?)  I REALLY didn't want to walk that far.  And even though I'm sure I could have run it, no prob, I thought I should save my energy for the cake walk.

Speaking of which...

Did I mention there was cake?  Well, there was.  There were a bunch of fun booths that the kids could take their tickets to.  Here they are:

Here's the Balloon Animal/Hat booth.  Emma and Natalie are waiting so patiently.  Karen actually told me she didn't know about Bud's talent until just recently.  She said she fell in love with him all over again.

This is John Jolley doing the "Magic Doodle".  Everyone was loving this: the kids would draw a little doodle on a page, then hand it to John who turned it in to an amazing cartoon.  He is so creative!  Thekids kept running up to me to show what John had turned their doodle in to. 

What? A professional clown?  This party was off the hook!  Yup, that's popcorn, and yes there was cotton candy. 

The bouncy house was definitely a favorite!  Here I am high-fiving one of the cutest little jumpers in there.  Oh, I didn't even realize - it's Emma!  Gosh, she's cute. 

Scott Stevens manned the Lollipop Tree.  The kids were pretty excited to not only get a lollipop, but maybe win a prize.  This is Grant, my nephew, was clearly disappointed to not pull a winner.  Scott seems secretly happy about that though... I'll have to talk to him about that.

Apparently I didn't win a prize either.  I took it worse than Grant did.  Now, I'll tell you about the booth I loved the very most:

This kid was hilarious.  I don't know his name, or the name of his friend who helped him, but they cracked me up.  They'd stand out there shouting for people to come in to their Peep Show, but they wouldn't say what it was.  Well, me and Clint decided to brave it.  I asked the kids if we'd get hurt if we went in there, and they said, "Not if you don't want to!"  What was that supposed to mean?!  We were just laughing so hard.  So, in to the tent we climbed with a couple of other curious kids.  We brought in Clint's dog for protection.  Well, it turns out the Peep Show was quite literal.  Peeps. Dancing Peeps.  And they let you eat one at the end if you wanted to.

Here's where the magic happened.  Amber and Candi did such an awesome job planning and executing the food tents.  My hot dog was luke warm, but other than that, they did great. I kinda think Amber's shirt wasn't bright enough either!  No, really - this was a lot of work and we were very well fed.  Thanks gurlz!  (And the men who helped them...)

Here are some cute pics of a few of the kids who got their faces painted:  This first one is my niece Natalie. She was a kitty cat!

There are a ton more pictures and lots more to talk about, but it's so late and I need to go to bed.  So rather than save this and add to it later (who knows when "later" is going to be?), I'll just leave you with a "to be continued..."  I'll keep you on your toes. 







My PAP moment

I am sitting here alone on my cozy reclining loveseat eating a warm homemade orange cinnamon roll.  A tall cold glass of skim milk is within reach, a couple of pillows prop up my left arm, and my favorite down throw is covering the bottom half of my legs.  Not too hot, not too cold.  The house is silent except for the occasional rumble of Trevor's snore in the next room. (He's getting over a cold - the snore is actually kind of sweet. Probably wouldn't be if it was an all-the-time thing!) To try to sum up how I'm feeling today, a few words came to mind: Content, Happy, Blessed.  Yes, yes, and yes.  But then "Perfectly at Peace" came to mind.  Or, PAP.  I guess you could say I'm feeling pappy. Hmmm...

As many of you know, I had my last radiation appointment on Monday!  Those appointments were daily for 5 1/2 weeks.  The routine was very predictable:  I'd go in, untie my hostpital gown, then lay back with my arms above my head into the mold of myself on the table behind me.  The mold ensured I would be in the same position each time I went in.  Then 2 or 3 radiation therapists surrounded me, put a warm blanket over my legs, and made light chit chat all the while drawing on me w/ markers, and sticking "beacons" on my chest. They'd move the table saying things to eachother like, "moving 4cm inf" and "moving 3cm post".  Sometimes while drawing on my chest, stomach or armpit, one of them would rest their hand on my chin or neck and immediately apologize for touching me there.  I would say, "Seriously, you're going to apoligize for touching my CHIN while you're drawing on my CHEST?!"  Too funny!

Then, once they had me all positioned where they wanted me, they had to put on the brass bolus.  Now, most of you probably have no idea what that is, and I didn't either.  Well, here's a picture of what it looks like:

This is kind of amazing:  I was going to try to explain that the bolus looked like a fancy sequined disco top, but then I decided to go to Google Images instead to show you.  Well the first picture I came across was this one, and it just happens to be a picture of Erin, a friend of mine that I met through YSC!  I pulled it straight from her blog, myfightagainstpink.blogspot.com. Crazy!  She is someone who I look up to in a big way, she's very strong, beautiful and chose the same reconstruction path as me, so I like to ask her questions and find out what it will be like later down the road.  They only put the bolus on my left side, I'm feeling badly for Erin right now, as it looks like she had her entire chest radiated. Ugh. And in case you're wondering, yes, the thing is COLD going on.  They'd always joke that they pulled it out of the freezer just for me! 

Anyways, from what I understand, the bolus tricks the machine into thinking it is your skin.  Then the radiation goes through the bolus and really hits your actual skin with full force.  I guess for someone like me with a tumor that was close to the skin, it helps ensure that the skin gets properly burned.

And burned it is!  My breast and chest are dark pink, but my armpit has turned gray.  The skin is peeling back, so it's all raw under there.  Yuck.  I have to apply a cream called Silvadene to the skin that is broken.  And Radiagel to the skin that is red or pink, but not broken.  I digress.

I think I was explaining what went on during my daily visit to recieve my radiation. 

Taping the bolus in place was usually the part that took the longest.  It had to be situated with no wrinkles or creases, or gaps.  Then, they'd all leave the room, close the 18 inch thick lead door, and watch me on the monitors while the machine radiated me in 3 different areas: my armpit, my breast, and my collarbone area.  For each field, I would hold my breath for 20-30 seconds.  Then the machine moved to the next position, and I'd hold my breath again.  OK, I realize that I'm actually boring myself as I type this.  Moving on...

Remember that PAP moment I was having as I begun this point?  I'm starting to wonder if it was the vicodin talking!  Haha!  My armpit area was hurting earlier, so I popped in a couple of those, and boy am I RELAXED right now... Ahhh...

Well I was planning on filling you all in on the "Courage Night" that I attended last night at the Pan Pacific Hotel in Seattle.  It was so amazing.  I think I'll have to blog about it another time.  I just need to sleep right now.

I love you, my dear friends and family.  I don't know how I could have come through this without the unwavering support and love from each of you.  OK, the vicodin is making me extra sentimental.  I think if I were a drinker, I'd be one of those really lovey dovey drunks.  I lvoe you gsuy sooooo muhc!

Radiation's not so bad yet

Hi, y'all! I swear the better I feel, the more I forget that I have a blog and some loyal subscribers I need to keep happy!  Yes, you heard it (read it).  I have been feeling really good.  I actually think radiation so far is more of a mind trip than anything else.  I have been so nervous about what is going to happen to me and how I'm going to feel, but it really hasn't been too bad yet!  I am really pink all over my left breast, arm pit, and collarbone area.  A pretty weird thing is that I'm starting to get pink on the left side of my upper back, too.  Yes, the radiation goes right on through to the other side.  Isn't that crazy??!! I also have what my Rad Onc called a "hot spot" in my arm pit. It is a purplish gray color kind of in the crease where it probably rubs the most when I move and stuff.  The GREAT thing is that I am numb for the most part in my breast and arm pit areas because of the mastectomy and axillary node dissection.  I'm sure it would bother me more if I felt it more.  So for now, I'm trying to keep my arm away from my body - I started using a small pillow to hold in my armpit, which also reminds me to not move my arm too much. 

We have been so blessed this month to be the recipients of tickets to do some fun fun family outings.  SCCA receives donations from businesses and individuals to provide these tickets and passes to the patients and their families.  Just this month, we've been up the Space Needle,
taken a harbor cruise around Elliot Bay, and sat in a private suite at Century Link Field to watch a Sounders Game. (We also got to attend a game earlier courtesy of Trevor's brother Ryan's employer). Trevor and another one of his brothers attended a Mariner's game using the tickets I won through SCCA. So, even though radiation can be a nuisance (I drive in to Seattle daily for my appointment) it has been neat to enjoy the perks. Here are some cute pics of our recent adventures:

We were standing in front of a green screen when this picture was taken (right before we went up the elevator at the space needle), then we were able to pick the backdrop we liked the best!

Argosy Cruise!



Isaac on the waterfront in Seattle.  We spent a day shopping in the fun shops, eating icecream, then going on our harbor cruise.

Emma and Ellie picking flowers at Twin Rivers Park here in Arlington.  We were going to walk down a trail to the river so we could throw rocks in, but all of the trails were either flooded or too muddy for our little family to pass.  Wah wah wah...

This is us sitting in our suite at the Seattle Sounders game!  It was so much fun.

We had a big fun Hammond family day at Kayak Point last Saturday, this is Emma on top of the fort the cousins were all building.



We were staying at a friends' cabin in Roslyn a couple of weekends ago.  Isaac is standing on the shores of Lake Cle Elum.

Now I'm wishing I was better at keeping up my blog, as I look through the pictures we've recently taken I realize that we really have done some fun things this month!  I really feel so blessed right now.  The cancer treatments are winding down and life is already starting to just feel "normal" again.  My last radiation appointment is scheduled for Monday the 14th.  That's only 4 more!!!!



Tit for Tat (and Tats for Tit)

So I took a little break from blogging and am now ready to jump back in to it.  I feel like I haven't had much to write about and I've been feeling so good and "normal" that blogging about cancer hasn't really been top on my priority list.  The past month or so I've been going to physical therapy to regain the range of motion in my arms and shoulders.  I also went to the plastic surgeon weekly for fills in my expanders.  I had to do those things before radiation began because my Rad Onc said not to do physical therapy during.  Also, I can't be expanded during or after radiation because the skin gets very tough and non-stretchable.

Mainly I'm blogging again because of the hilarious title I came up with.  You all know that I'm not one to get tatoos, really but cancer does something to you.  It changes you.  I decided to live a little and get inked.  I actually have 4 new tatoos.  Now don't get too excited, I didn't go overboard.  I didn't get a cool saying written in Japanese, or a snake around my bicep or even a Precious Moments character.  No, I went with 4 small black dots.

My Radiation Oncologist made me do it.  They are to help line up the lasers so they can find the right place to hit me with the radiation.  Wah wah wah.  Yes, I started radiation yesterday.  I'm a little nervous about what is going to happen to my skin.  Picture the worst sunburn you've ever had.  Then add a grayish black color to it.  Then peel back some of the skin.  Then add some huge cracks in the skin.  Then burn the other side of the body because the sun actually went all the way through the body and burned the other side.  That's what I'm scared of.  But they say that not everyone's body reacts the same way.  So maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who escapes w/out too much damage.

Last Wednesday, at my YSC support group, I was able to peek at some of the other girls' skin and pictures of what happened to their skin during radiation.  That's why I'm so scared.  The other side effect is fatigue.  Supposedly, radiation makes you really really tired.  But that's definitely manageable.

Speaking of fatigue, I'm so tired right now.  I'm going to bed.  Goodnight!

2 Weeks Post-Mastectomy

Well, it's been a couple of weeks now.  I'm still feeling pretty good, but sitting around doing nothing was getting pretty old.  THANK GOODNESS  I was able to get the last 2 drains removed on Tuesday.  That was pretty freeing, as those things were a nuisance.  I had to keep them in my little pockets in my camisoles, and when I took baths, I had to wear them on a lanyard around my neck.  Such a pain.  And during our meeting w/ the plastic surgeon (Dr. Scott) on Friday, he told me I was ok to start moving my arms a little more.  It's hard to know how much or how little to do on my own.  I don't have much of a reach, especially w/ my left arm (the side the lymph nodes were removed from), but it's definitely getting better. He told me that I'm healing up perfectly and there is very little chance of infection or any complications now that we're 2 weeks out.  Hoorah.  I made it through the critical period, I guess!

Dr Scott filled my expanders a little bit yesterday, too.  It was pretty amazing, especially because I felt no pain at all.  He used some sort of magnet doo-hicky to find the port under my skin.  Then he drew a little circle and inserted a needle (Trev said it was about an inch long) attached to a HUGE syringe that held the fluid.  I'm assuming it was saline.  I couldn't feel the prick of the needle or any pain during the expansion, but I could feel the skin getting stretched tighter.  Then he did the other side.  It's funny because he'd count down to the needle poke, and apologize for poking me. Next time, I'll have to scream or something.  :)

Well, in my last post I talked about the pathology report and how great it was that they only found a 2 cm tumor.  I actually had misunderstood Dr. Soriano's explanation over the phone.  I learned during our appointment on Tuesday that no, they did not find a 2 cm tumor.  What they found were a few rogue cancer cells within a 2 cm area.  MUCH better news, if you ask me!  I was wondering how they found a 2 cm tumor, when the MRI a couple weeks prior turned up no visible cancer at all.  So, we are just overjoyed that the chemo worked so well.

Every single choice we've made pertaining to my cancer treatment so far has ended up having such positive results.  It gives us confidence moving forward that Heavenly Father is directing us as we travel down this road.  We felt strongly that SCCA is where I need to go for my radiation oncology, rather then do it in Everett.  Today I kind of second guessed it to Trevor (thinking of the distance and the hassle of having to go in to Seattle every day for 6+ weeks, paying for parking...), but he reminded me that so far our decisions have been spot on, and we need to trust in the good feelings we had about SCCA.

So I'll sign off for now, but not before attaching a few more family photos from back in September.  We got the CD a while ago, and I'm pretty sure I haven't posted these particular pics here on the blog yet.  I'm just lucky I have such cute kids, I'm sure you're not sick of seeing them. :