Ups and downs

You know, I've had good days and I've had bad days.  Isn't that what life is all about?  Experiencing both joy and pain, sickness and health, ups and downs?  This is how we learn, grow and progress.  I know this.  I understand that we need to go through the miserable times to help us better appreciate the great times, and I'm glad for that perspective, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself! ;) 

That's where I was last week:  feeling very, very VERY sorry for myself.  Let me tell you something about going through menopause.  It ain't fun.  It messes with your mind, emotions, sleep patterns, internal thermometer... I was either in tears or on the verge the entire week.  Not to mention the other stuff chemo does to me: constipation, changed taste buds, my mouth feeling "weird", headaches, and the ever present fatigue.   BUT my symptoms and moods are kind of predictable, and I remember to tell myself that it's all temporary and it's the chemo's fault.  Not Trevor's.  Not the kids'.

I did a lot of reading that week.  Reading of other people's cancer experiences.  I read a really good article by a woman who was about my age and went through cancer treatments in 2010.  She's about my age and kept a detailed journal throughout her treatments and compiled some of her thoughts in to an article.  It was so VALIDATING for me to read her words.  I identified with so many of her feelings.  For example, she cried when the nurse inserted the needle for the IV.  I totally do that!  Every single time I get poked with a needle, whether it's in my port, arm, or butt, a single tear trickles down my face.  I hate it.  Needles never bothered me before, but I hate them now.  Hate.  Another thing she put in to words for me is this:  

"I thought having fatigue, as the doctor referred to it, meant I'd be out like a light. Nope. In fact, actual sleep is elusive. Fatigue means curling up under a blanket without moving. For hours. My mind is usually racing, but my body is perfectly still."

Then she goes on to say that her parents convinced her to move back in with them (she was engaged, no kids) for the duration of cancer treatments.  She does this and is able to be taken care of by them, rarely leaving their home except when she goes to the city for her chemo treatments.  I have to admit that made me REALLY jealous.  Not that I don't love my kids.  I mean come on, have you even seen our family photos?  They are adorable.  I CLEARLY love my kids.  But to be able to "curl up under a blanket without moving for hours" and give in to the fatigue sometimes sounds nice.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/article.aspx?cp-documentid=30982257&OCID=LIKE

OK, apparently I don't know how to insert a link into a blog, but if you want to read it, you may copy and paste!  I really could go on forever about the things she writes about that strike a major nerve in me. I wanted to find her email address so I could send her an email and thank her for sharing her journal with the world.  It was truly therapeutic to read and was a factor in my decision to find a good support group of young breast cancer survivors to join. 
So anyways, it's not all so terrible all the time.  Really, it's not. It's that first full week after a chemo treatment that's a doozy.  Then the next 2 weeks are better. Seriously better.  Like, I'm almost a normal person.  In fact I just got home from a Zumba party!

It just happened to be a Party in Pink-a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen Foundation.  It was a blast!  It was my first time doing Zumba in a club type setting, and I loved it.  I just wish I could have kept up a little better.  I have very little energy or stamina right now, but I did the best I could.  Trevor even came and shook it with the rest of us!  Well, he's still not sure if Zumba is his "thing", but I think he did awesome. My friend Jamie was one of the instructors there and she had asked me ahead of time if I could say a few words to the group to help them understand the importance of breast cancer research.  When I got up on the stage, they all clapped and cheered for me before I even said a word.  (It was the bald head that tipped them off that I was a cancer survivor-either that, or they could see my port under my baggy pink t-shirt.  No, it was the bald head for sure!)  I told them my story, specifically how I came to be diagnosed, and how treatments are going.  They laughed, they cried, they cheered lots for me (where were they all last week when I was crying in my bathtub?  I coulda used some cheers then!)  and I made sure I put in a nice plug for the NEXT Zumba fundraiser that was being held next weekend for... ahem... me.

Yes, my dear fundraising friends are at it again and I couldn't love them more for it!  Next Saturday, November 5th, from 11:00am to 12:30pm in Stanwood. I am so very thankful for those that spend so much time and energy raising money for us during this time.  I cannot express how much it means to us.

Well I need to go catch some ZZZZ's now.  Tomorrow morning (9am) is the children's primary program at church and we can't be late!

Chemo - cycle 2, here we go!

It's been a while since I updated this blog, I hope you didn't miss me too much!  Here's what's been going on:  Last Sunday and Monday, my hair started really falling out like crazy.  I know it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone but me, but before it was my choice that it was shaved, and it was still a little dark and thick and healthy, now it is all patchy and thin and sickly looking.  And for some reason now my scalp is more sensitive, kind of like needles pricking if I press down on my hair.  I know, I know, it means the chemo is doing it's job to kill those fast growing cells - but I still hate the way it looks right now.  I have given myself some new beauty rules:  earings and lipstick everyday!  Even when I'm not going anywhere.  It helps when I pass by a mirror to not feel so ugly. 

Monday we met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options.  Not sure what to say about that visit.  Because I'm going to go through radiation after the mastectomy, the skin on my chest will be pretty damaged, so they will actually have to pull skin from another area of my body and attach it to my chest to stretch for the reconstruction.  The doctor gave his 2 preferences: My abs or my back.  So I'm going to set up an online poll for you to cast your vote.  Haha, just kidding.  I can't even believe I'm adding this paragraph to my blog, but I'll just blame it on chemo brain.  (Yes, it's true.  They say chemo makes you a little fuzzy in the brain sometimes.)

Speaking of chemo, Wednesday was my second time to recieve my chemo treatment.  If you remember, I go in every 3 weeks for chemo, but every single Wednesday in between I go in for just mone drug, which is Herceptin - my super amazing drug that knows how to specifically target these little receptors on my cancerous cells.  I think it's part of the reason my cancer is being so affected my treatments.  That and all the prayers and fasts going up on my behalf.  Anyways, so my sister Susan took to me this time and we had lots of fun playing card games and eating yummy hostpital cafeteria food.  I wouldn't recommend the zucchini/squash side dish though.  It sounded great, but it was terrible.  Hmmm. 

Anyways, the infusion room is a big long room lined by windows that is sectioned off (really just by the arrangement of the reclining chairs we sit in).  Each nurse is assigned to a section of 4 patients kind of the way restaurants are divided into sections for the servers to work in.  There was a lady sitting across from my in my section, who I think looked a little to smug, but I found out why when all the nurses surrounded her and announced to the whole room that she was finishing up her very last chemo treatment that day!  We all cheered and clapped for her, then I had a most unexpected reaction: tears of jealousy.  I was soooo jeaous!  (and I was kidding about the smug looks she was giving by the way.)  I just wanted to be in her shoes so badly, but there I was just beginning my chemo treatment.  Poor me.  Wah wah. 

So now it's Friday, I've been feeling pretty good, just very TIRED this time around.  They say the symptoms are cyclical, so each cycle of chemo will be much like the last - except for the fatigue, which gets worse and worse each time.  I'm supposed to remain as active as I can, otherwise teh fatigue really gets worse.  So I've taken the kids swimming at the YMCA, I took the girls for a walk yesterday - it was such a pretty day we had to get outside and I'm sure we'll find something active to do today.  But I'm also able to keep getting lots of rest.  It's been nice because we've had dinners brought in the past couple nights from people in the  ward so I don't have to worry about that kind of thing right now.  And I'm taking naps in the afternoons when I put down the girls.  I love that they both take naps still and I am able to have that time to myself.  LIFE IS GOOD.  At least that's what the plaque in my living room says. :) 

Our fun fall famly photo shoot

I've been meaning to post these and give a big THANK YOU to Angie Earley from A Moment in Time Photography for taking so much time with us, being so patient and capturing these beautiful pictures of my family.  She lives close to Smokey Point and is now taking new clients!  If you're thinking about getting family pictures, call or email her, she's awesome! 206-992-7866  momenttimephoto@gmail.com.

I love this one, we were all cracking up because our friend Aaron Nelson (who's property we used for this shoot) was standing behind Angie making hilarious faces and noises.  I think if you hire Angie, you should consider hiring Aaron too.  Maybe they would do a two-fer-one special... ;)

Awww, we should use this for our wedding announcement photo.  Oh, wait... Never mind.  Too late.

We had lots of fun doing these ones in the tall grass.  The kids were being so cute, and yes, Aaron was helping to make them laugh.  Sometimes he'd run up to them, then jump away just in time for the picture to be taken.  So fun!

I love my girls!  I was just glad everyone was in a good mood.  Angie was so patient with us, and took millions of pics so we could end up with lots of good ones.

Yes, I love my boys too!  I love this piture, as I think it captures a special bond between the two.

Emma is so cute here!  She just looks so happy to be laying there with her mama!

Ellie has the sweetest little features.  She is going to be our little peacemaker, I know it.  She has the ability to express the sentiment, "everything is going to be fine", with just her eyes.  She has been able to do that since she was just a little baby in my arms.

How did I ever get so lucky to be mom to such sweet kiddos?  OK, granted I'm writing this at midnight and they've been tucked in bed for hours and I'm now well rested.  But really, I love them so much and am thankful, so thankful that I get to be their mom. 

Heart Attack!

Have you ever had a heart attack?  I have given many in my lifetime, but for the first time ever, I recieved one tonight.  This is what it looked like:

Now how could this not make me smile?  It was after dinner, I had just woken up from a little nap (herceptin made me sleepy), and there was a ring of the doorbell.  When I opened the door, there was no person in sight, but this is what I saw!  Each heart had a little message on it such as "bald is beautiful", or "we love you"!  One of the hearts said this was love from the Miamaids from the Arlington 1st ward.(Translation for non-mormons: love from the 14-15 year old girls from a congregation of Mormons that meets in Arlington.)  So cute!

So today I went in for my weekly Herceptin drip. They assigned me to a semi-private room, which felt a little weird because there was already an older man and his wife in the tiny room when my friend Kim and I walked in.  I said to him as I sat down, "So what are you in for?" just trying to make light of our obvious chemo-type situations.  His answer was "Life."  It turns out he found out in July that he has metastatic lung cancer.  He just woke up one day and felt a little different, so he went to the doctor.  He's got huge tumors in several of his organs and on his spine.  No cure.  Just treatment.  So sad.  I tried so hard to not cry talking to him but of course the tears welled up.  His wife said that at least he didn't have a lot of regrets and things he wishes he had done.  He lived a full life and had come to grips with what was happening to him.  "It is what it is" she said. 

My own news isn't so grim, though. My chemo is working!!!!!  I can barely even tell I have a tumor in my breast at all anymore.  Dr. Wang, my oncologist, today told me that she could barely feel it either.  It has only been 2 weeks since I started chemo and already HUGE results!  I couldn't be more thrilled.  She told me it's entirely possible there would be no trace of the cancer by the time I have my surgery.  But, yes, the surgery will still take place, in case you were going to ask.  Also, my little tiny hairs on my scalp are starting to fall out.  I guess that's another indication that the chemo is working, right?  I was tweezing my eyebrows this morning, and you know how usually it kind of hurts?   My hairs were just coming right out, no pain.  No resistance.  HIYAH Cancer!

So now it's 2am, and I'm still not tired.  Darn after dinner nap.

The Most ROCKING Head-Shaving Party Ever!!

Oh did we have fun last night! We laughed, we cried, (OK, only I cried), we ate lots of sugary treats and made a big mess of Northwest Children's School. So I've gotten a"head" of myself. I'll start at the beginning.

This is me with hair.  I decided to make a party out of a potentially bummer part of going through cancer:  LOSING HAIR.  We had the party at NW Children's School here in Arlington.  My friend Cathy owns the school and Tari is a teacher there, and they were kind enough to let us completely take over Tari's classroom for the night.  Tari's friends Amanda and Tyler, who work at Salon Chirella, volunteered their time and expertise shaving and providing pink hair extentions to anyone who wanted them.  They did this on Tyler's birthday, which was so kind of them both!

This got a little emotional for me, more than a few tears rolled down my cheeks here. 

It was over pretty quickly, then it was Trudy's turn.

I had maybe a little too much fun giving her a comb-over, and she was such a good sport about it!

Trudy's husband, Jeremy had to help a little too.

Tari getting shaved by Cathy.

Susan is getting her hair chopped for Locks of Love. (Trudy did too, but I don't have a pic)

Well, here are the new and improved Mower Sisters!  I still can't believe this.

Angry at the world.

The 5 bald ladies: Susan, Trudy, Me, Tari, and Jamie.  I felt so SUPPORTED!  I'm glad to not have to gone through this alone.  Doesn't my leg up make it look like we're having fun?!  Always works.

We surprised Tyler with a birthday cake and a loud rousing version of "happy birthday to you!"  I'm sure he was exhausted, but he didn't even pause to eat cake.  Too many heads to shave!

Ellie loves feeling my head!  I was worried that she'd be freaked out about it, but she's ok.  I think she likes it!  Poor baby has an ugly scab on her nose.  Alfy's accident.  Couldn't be helped.

Trevor and Travis getting shaved... Well, almost.  Trev had big plans for his head. 

Well, Isaac surprised us all and requested a mohawk!  He was surrounded by a bunch of his friends who were all doing similar things with their hair.  White trash?  Perhaps.  Fun?  Definitely.  I told Isaac he could wear his mohawk to school ONE time, then it was coming off!  ;) 

Yes, Cavin did it too! It was CRAZY last night.  I had no control over what may or may not have happened.

Trev is thinking to himself, "I don't feel PINK enough".

Now, that's better!

What a fun night it was, and there was so much more going on than I had pictures of.  Almost every woman and girl present got pink streaks dyed in their hair, or had pink extrentions put in.  Most of the men and boys ended up either bald or with some sort of pink mohawk style on top.  Probably a million plates of cookies were consumed.  Most of all it was fun being surrounded by friends and family during such an important night for me.  The doctor told me that before my hair falls out on it's own, my scalp would get tender and feel like I just took out a tight pony tail.  Well, my head felt like that all day on Saturday.  Perhaps a little reassurance that this was the right day to do the hair party?