Chemo Eve (for my second to last infusion)

Well tomorrow I go in for my second to last chemo infusion.  I get emotional every time I think about being done with this.  I've felt really good for almost a week now, and am trying to emotionally prepare for the crappy crap that I know is inevitable starting tomorrow.  This last cycle was a doozy, and I'm sure the last two will be no better.  BUT, I have learned an important lesson:  When I am dealing with terrible side effects and it seems unbearable, I need to go to the doctor right away.  They have drugs to help.  Let me explain.

I was sick for my usual one week following a chemo infusion, then woke up the Wednesday following chemo feeling GREAT.  I spent a day and a half feeling like a champ, then (of course) overdid it and ended up flat on my back for about a week.  The culprit?  Hemorrhoids and terrible mouth sores.

I've probably mentioned that constipation is a major side effect of chemo, and I have to constantly take measures to keep it all in check.  Well, that condition, coupled with my "overdoing it" (cooking, cleaning, playing w/ kids, out to eat...), was a recipe for disaster.  Now I know it's gross to talk about, but it is my hope that my blog will help someone else who is going to go through what I'm going through, so I don't see the point really to sensor too much.  I have also come to realize that getting hemorrhoids is pretty common, but you wouldn't know because WHO EVER TALKS ABOUT IT?!   Anyways, the point is that I was able to be healed rather quickly after going to the urgent care clinic on Sunday, then meeting with the nurses at my herceptin infusion on Wednesday.  Thank goodness!  It was soooo miserable.  Standing hurt, sitting hurt, laying down hurt.  Ugh, I'm glad it's over.

I was also dealing with mouth sores for the first time.  Another chemo side effect.  I would cry when I put food in my mouth it hurt so bad.  It hurt to even drink a fruit smoothie!  I didn't realize that there was anything they could do for me, but after talking to my nurse during herceptin, I was able to get a prescription for something that was actually called, "Magic Mouthwash"!  It worked SO WELL!  I was so mad at myself for waiting so long to talk to someone about the awful mouth sores.  I had just continued to rinse with the warm water/salt/baking soda mixture that they had told me about before.  And it didn't help at all.

So anyways, I started feeling so much better towards the end of last week, and pretty much felt like a normal person for almost a week.  Trevor and I were able to go out for a while on Saturday and do some Christmas shopping really for the first time.  We got a lot accomplished sans kids.

Also, in there somewhere, I took Emma and Ellie to the Nutcracker at the Performing Arts Center down the street from us.  We had a great time.  I was going to just take Emma, but Susan (my sister) came up for the day to help me and suggested she come too, and bring Ellie.  It was so fun!  Ellie was really good during the whole thing.  Here are some pictures of that day:

 
Emma had her dress picked out WEEKS ago, when I told her we were going to go to the Nutcracker.  The dress is really a dress up dress, but I couldn't talk her in to anything else, so I thought "why not?".  She was so happy.  The bottom picture is of most of the group we went with.  We had so much fun!

This last weekend, our stake put on our first annual Nativity Festival.  It was beautiful and so well put together.  It was a very spiritual experience for all of us who were able to attend.

This is Emma with her friend, Esther dressed up in the kid's room.There were crafts for them to do, little nativity scenes they could play with, and the dress up nativity scene.

This is a picture of us in the Live Nativity portion of the event.  This scene was set up at one end of the gym, and the entire rest of the gym was set up with over 550 nativity scenes from all over the world.  People were able to walk around and look at all of them, and the live scene was an amazing one to stop at.  It ran continuously for the afternoons and evenings the festival was open, and the people switched out every half hour. In this picture, I am Mary, Trevor is Joseph standing to my right, and Isaac is a shepherd boy kneeling to my left.  Our friends Evan and Pierce were also shepherds.  Our job was to be still and gaze adoringly at the little doll which was baby Jesus.  It was a pretty cool experience.  It was incredible to be able to take a half an hour to just sit and reflect on the miracle of Christ's birth.  Isaac and Pierce were able to sit still the whole time because we promised them cookies at the end!

Well that's it for now.  Wish me luck as I go in to my infusion tomorrow.  I am excited to get it over with. :)  Thanks to all of you for your love, prayers, and support.  I am the luckiest girl I know. I am surrounded by amazing people who work so hard to make my life easier.

30 Days of Gratitude

Now that it's the end of November, I feel it is entirely appropriate that I make a substantial list of things I am thankful for.  What prompted this? You ask.  I was just woken out of dead sleep by a hot flash, am unable to fall back asleep, and had a funny thankful thought.  I will write them in the order they come to me: (definitely the easiest way to write things!)

1. I am THANKFUL for a sweet husband who takes his own clippers and buzzes all the scraggly hairs off my head when my scalp feels like pins and needles.  (Seriously, this was the thought that got the ball rolling here...)
2. I am THANKFUL for warm bubble baths at the end of stressful days.  And thankful that my bathroom fan drowns out the sounds of my children who should be sleeping but are making their own joyful noises.
3. I am THANKFUL that my kids are so very well taken care of by dear friends when I am too sick and weak to do so myself.  I cannot express how thankful I am for this.
4. I am THANKFUL for Burger King original chicken sandwiches.  Trevor woke Isaac up from sleep last night at 10pm to take him down to BK to get munchies.  (I did not know this, I was talking on the phone in my room.) All I knew is that all of a sudden, Trevor was tossing a chicken sandwich on my bed - he hates them, but he knows I love them.  I went out in the living room and the boys were watching TV eating burgers and chicken nuggets like nothing was out of the ordinary!  God love 'em.  Maybe this one should have been"thankful for Trevor", but I already did one for him.  And I know you're thinking that the reason I have insomnia is because of my weird late night binge.  But stop right there, and don't judge me!  I've been sick all week, and now that I'm getting better, if food sounds good, I eat that food.
5. I am THANKFUL for my scriptures.  I've recently rediscovered them and it has been like catching up with an old friend.  I love to read my scriptures and have felt many many flashes of inspiration and guidance from Heavenly Father as I search them.  
6. I am THANKFUL for the way Emma wakes up each morning.  Immediately when she sees me, her face lights up and she yells, "Good morning Mommy!" and usually she runs to me with a hug and kiss.  
7. I am THANKFUL for Isaac's sweet calm spirit.  He is so good with his little sisters and never complains (ok, rarely) when I ask him to help out - which is a lot these days.
8. I am THANKFUL that Ellie gives me her special look still.  I noticed this when she was just a newborn, and she still somehow has the ability to communicate, "Mom, everything is going to be fine" with just a look.  I can't explain it, but that's what she does.
9. I am THANKFUL for good friends and girls night outs.
10. I am THANKFUL that we have a beautiful home that is warm and dry and perfect for our family.  I think about this every time the rain is pelting on the windowpanes.  The storm may rage out there, but my family is safe in here. :)
11. I am THANKFUL for PAVE' bakery in Everett.  They have the best apple cake this side of the Mississippi.  Oh, and those chocolate croissants... heaven!
12. I am THANKFUL for technology.  (didn't Napoleon Dynamite's brother Kip write an inspiring song on the subject?  See, I'm not the only one who likes technology)  Seriously, the internet is such a miraculous tool, though.
13. I am THANKFUL for family.  We live so close to most of our family and get to see everyone on a pretty regular basis.  I am sooo blessed.
14. I am THANKFUL for my bookclub.  There is always yummy food and wonderful conversation.  Just got home, in fact. (Yes, I fell asleep after writing #13, and it wasn't until tonight that I picked up where I left off.)
15. I am THANKFUL for Red Robin and the fact that they give you a free birthday burger during the month of your birthday.  Me and Cindy were able to cash in on our freebies today (last day of the month!)
16. I am THANKFUL that my kids have the best sleeping habits of any kids I know.  They never end up in my bed, they go to bed pretty early, take great naps and wake up relatively late in the morning.
17. I am THANKFUL that I live so close to mountains, the Sound, lakes, and rivers.  I love the Northwest.
18. I am THANKFUL for Christmas music.  And decorations.  And real Christmas trees.
19. I am THANKFUL for good food.  In particular garlic cheesy bread.
20. I am THANKFUL that Trevor works from home.  This comes in handy when I am sick and he can take care of me, but it also comes in handy when I want to go run errands while the girls nap.  It saves us a lot of money that we would spend on gas and wear and tear on cars, and he can be "home" from work whenever I need him.  
21. I am THANKFUL for sunshine.
22. I am THANKFUL for rain.
23. I am THANKFUL I'm almost done w/ my list.  I thought it would be easier to think of 30 things!
24. I am THANKFUL for Biore' Pore Strips, and I just got done using one.  
25. I am THANKFUL that I only have 2 more chemo treatments!  I am oh so excited about that.
26. I am THANKFUL for my favorite TV shows.  Modern Family, The Office, Parenthood, Survivor, New Girl, and ALF.  Haha!  Just kidding about that one.
27. I am THANKFUL for friends and family who come clean my house when I am too fatigued to get everything done.  I can't believe how great everyone has been.
28. I am THANKFUL to be an American and to have been born in to such privileged circumstances.  I have always had opportunities, a comfortable place to live and plenty of food to eat.  
29. I am THANKFUL for yoga pants.
30. I am THANKFUL that my eyebrows and eyelashes have decided to hold tight thus far.  I like that.

Well, did it!  I came up with 30 things!  Hope you enjoyed, now I'm gonna go to bed.

Support groups help me feel supported

During the past week and a half, I had the opportunity to attend 2 very different and wonderful breast cancer support groups.  The first was over a week ago and was held at the Cancer Partnership in Everett.  This is the building that I go to for all of my infusions, and where I will receive radiation when the time comes.  This building is ALL CANCER ALL THE TIME!  You need cancer solutions?  We got 'em!  You need a beanie, here's a closet full!  You need a brochure telling you what foods to eat?  We have an entire room of brochures!  You want to sit in a waiting room full of people that look like death?  No problem!  You want your body poisoned slowly, but not enough to kill you?  We'll do it!  ;)  OK, I digress... I arrived to this group an hour late, because I had the time wrong, but was able to catch the last half hour.  It was really nice.  The facilitator of the group was great (she actually offers free counseling to cancer patients and their families, a service I am excited to explore), they were discussing stress management when I arrived.  The group consisted of about 7 or 8 women, most of which were quite a bit older than me.  There was a gal in her late 40's who had a 7 year old daughter at home, so I felt like we could bond over that commonality (kids at home).  She was so nice and easy to talk to.  I enjoyed hearing how other people dealt with stress and it was so validating to know that yes, it is stressful to go through what we're going through.

The next week (last Wednesday), I attended another support group.  This one was a group called the Young Survivors Coalition.  The group is full of women who were diagnosed with breast cancer in their 20's and 30's.  They meet in Seattle in a building owned by "Gilda's Club", I believe a non-profit organization that supports cancer survivor's and their families.  Anyways, OH MY GOSH!  I LOVED being at this support group.  I felt an instant connection with these girls. I sat down (there were 10-13 people there) in a big over stuffed chair.  There were easy chairs and comfy couches forming a circle, with a pile of blankets in the middle in case you got cold.  They had treats and drinks, the atmosphere was relaxed, and I felt like I related to every person who spoke.  The format was totally loose, we went around the circle and told our stories to each other.  There were so many girls that had my same exact kind of cancer and the same stage.  Some of them were through with treatments, some of us were relatively new.  Some of them had kids, some worked full time, some were students, some were single, we probably had a million differences, but I felt instantly bonded to them because of this huge thing we had in common: Our bodies had turned on us.  (That was how one of the girls put it, and I had been feeling the same way, just hadn't put it in those words.)  Even though I just met these girls, I have been thinking about them a lot over the past several days and I've even been worrying about some of them and am eager to go back and get to know them better.  The only problem with this support group is that it's in Seattle, and it seriously took me 2 1/2 hours to get there battling traffic during rush hour last Wed.  I know it won't always be like that, but it will always be during rush hour, and it will always take longer than the usual hour.  I do plan to go as often as I can, I know it will be immensely therapeutic. 

Anyways, due to a demand from out of town friends and family, I am going to put a couple of pictures of what I look like these days.  Here's one of me and my bald head.  I rarely go in public this way, it is just too cold.  But I ain't ashamed, let's be clear!

I'm not so good with the photo editing right now, otherwise, I woulda cropped it and zoomed in on my shiny scalp.  Now here's a couple of me in my wig.  This is just one of my three wigs.  You'll just have to wait for another day to get pics of the other two.  It'll give you something to look forward to.  The first is when I have it pulled back in a barret...

The next one is when I took the barret out.  Not sure why it turned out so dark...

I don't wear wigs very often because they're not super comfy.  Here's one of me with a scarf.  This is probably my most common look.  We're at Red Robin with the kids and Trevor surprised me with an early anniversary gift:

So my days aren't really full of thinking about and treating my cancer, although you wouldn't know it to read my blog! Me and Emma participate in a preschool coop.  There are 6 little girls in it and we, the moms, rotate being the teachers!  I have arranged the schedule in such a way that my teaching weeks fall on days that I feel good enough to do it.  And it has been so fun for both me and Emma.  She loves her little friends and is learning a lot.  Here are a couple of pictures of that.  This first one is of the girls wearing crowns of leaves.  They were "leaf princesses"!  Ellie and Emma are sitting on the middle couch cushion.

We went out back to pick apples, then used them to make apple stamps.  It was great!

They don't all get along ALL the time.  And they don't all do the cute pose you're trying to get them to do ALL the time.  Bless their hearts! ;)

Now here's one of Isaac and Trevor showing off the 10 pounds of candy that Isaac pulled in!  Now you know what we're gonna stuff the kids' stockings with this year...

Now after you see the next few, you will never again be able to support an argument that we are not fun cool parents:

Now you know you want to jump in to that big pit-o-foam!

This is a place called Absolute Air, we love it.  Just look at Emma's face here. So these are just a few of the things our family has been doing lately... We are trying hard to keep busy and have fun as a family.

This week is a chemo week, so you probably won't hear from me for a little while.  I'm so excited to complete the last half of my chemo treatment!  Woot woot!  Bring it on.  Er, I guess, if you have to.

11/11/11!

Well I would be completely remiss if I neglected to write in my blog on 11/11/11!  A very special day to wish a happy 33rd (yes, 11+11+11=33) b-day to Cindy Glunt.  Now, if I time it just right, I will click "publish post" at exactly 11:11pm.  Oh my gosh am I a dork?

I feel like I'm letting more and more time pass between posting in my blog, but I want to still keep in touch, especially with friends and family that live far away and wonder how I'm doing.  My last chemo infusion was 9 days ago, and I made it through the hard first week, and am starting up with the good 2 weeks.  That's how it goes:  a really hard week followed by 2 pretty good ones.  It's nice that there is a pattern and I can anticipate how I'll feel on any particular date.  Seriously, give me a date and I'll tell you how I'm gonna feel.  Thanksgiving?  I'm gonna feel like crap.  Christmas?   I'm gonna feel amazing.  See, I've already mapped out the holidays.  Black Friday?  Don't even think about it.  I'll be home in the fetal position rocking back and forth.

Last Saturday (3 days after chemo) I went to the Zumba fundraiser my friends held for me in Stanwood.  It was pretty amazing to go see.  To have so many friends there (and lots that I didn't even know) to support me felt so good.  Trevor actually came and did Zumba in a gorilla costume!  It was pretty funny, but he didn't last long in that.  I guess it's pretty warm. :)  Anyways, we stayed for a while, and I tried to Zumba it up as well as I could, but I had zero energy or stamina, and felt pretty embarrassed that I could barely last through a full song without having to go sit.  Sitting and watching became kind of hard, because I kept getting jealous of all the happy healthy dancing bodies in the room, so Trev took me out to lunch.  I was glad I got to go and be there for part of it, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by wonderful people who work so hard to make things easier for me and my family. 

That day (Nov 5th) also was our 6th anniversary!  I can't believe it's been 6 whole years, time flies.  Trev still can't believe he married me with what he calls my "pre-existing condition".  That would be the cancer.  We were told that my cancer is about 7 years old.  This is an estimate based on the size of the largest tumor and the rate the cells divide.  So, technically, I had cancer before I even knew Trevor.  But now he's stuck with me!  (For those that don't know Trevor's sense of humor, don't be worried.  We joke about the "preexisting condition".  He's not insensitive, just funny!) 

So I get a lot of "how are you feeling?" questions and it's really hard to explain the crummy 1st week feeling... It's a little bit like 1st trimester pregnancy because food sounds terrible, but the only way to feel better it to eat sometimes.  This time around, my fingers, tongue and lips are tingly.  My hot flashes come and go just as annoyingly as ever, my taste buds are out of whack- food just doesn't taste right.  And I'm tired a lot.  But guess what?  I've finished 3 chemo infusions, and I only have 3 left.  Soooo... that's freakin' awesome, right?  It feels really amazing to be half done.

Trudy and Susan (with her 2 kiddos Natalie and Gerard) came to take care of me and my kids today.  It was so nice, I was able to get in a little nap, the kids played, me and Trudy took Natalie and Emma for a little walk in the rain (we sang Christmas carols all the way home) and we just relaxed.  Then tomorrow, Mom and Dad will come spend the day up here, since Trevor and Isaac are going to be hunting.  It's nice to get so much help and support.

Anyways, I think the Melatonin is starting to kick in finally.  My mom suggested it since I have a hard time with sleeping these days.  I'm crossing my fingers for a full night's sleep w/ no interruption.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ups and downs

You know, I've had good days and I've had bad days.  Isn't that what life is all about?  Experiencing both joy and pain, sickness and health, ups and downs?  This is how we learn, grow and progress.  I know this.  I understand that we need to go through the miserable times to help us better appreciate the great times, and I'm glad for that perspective, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself! ;) 

That's where I was last week:  feeling very, very VERY sorry for myself.  Let me tell you something about going through menopause.  It ain't fun.  It messes with your mind, emotions, sleep patterns, internal thermometer... I was either in tears or on the verge the entire week.  Not to mention the other stuff chemo does to me: constipation, changed taste buds, my mouth feeling "weird", headaches, and the ever present fatigue.   BUT my symptoms and moods are kind of predictable, and I remember to tell myself that it's all temporary and it's the chemo's fault.  Not Trevor's.  Not the kids'.

I did a lot of reading that week.  Reading of other people's cancer experiences.  I read a really good article by a woman who was about my age and went through cancer treatments in 2010.  She's about my age and kept a detailed journal throughout her treatments and compiled some of her thoughts in to an article.  It was so VALIDATING for me to read her words.  I identified with so many of her feelings.  For example, she cried when the nurse inserted the needle for the IV.  I totally do that!  Every single time I get poked with a needle, whether it's in my port, arm, or butt, a single tear trickles down my face.  I hate it.  Needles never bothered me before, but I hate them now.  Hate.  Another thing she put in to words for me is this:  

"I thought having fatigue, as the doctor referred to it, meant I'd be out like a light. Nope. In fact, actual sleep is elusive. Fatigue means curling up under a blanket without moving. For hours. My mind is usually racing, but my body is perfectly still."

Then she goes on to say that her parents convinced her to move back in with them (she was engaged, no kids) for the duration of cancer treatments.  She does this and is able to be taken care of by them, rarely leaving their home except when she goes to the city for her chemo treatments.  I have to admit that made me REALLY jealous.  Not that I don't love my kids.  I mean come on, have you even seen our family photos?  They are adorable.  I CLEARLY love my kids.  But to be able to "curl up under a blanket without moving for hours" and give in to the fatigue sometimes sounds nice.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/article.aspx?cp-documentid=30982257&OCID=LIKE

OK, apparently I don't know how to insert a link into a blog, but if you want to read it, you may copy and paste!  I really could go on forever about the things she writes about that strike a major nerve in me. I wanted to find her email address so I could send her an email and thank her for sharing her journal with the world.  It was truly therapeutic to read and was a factor in my decision to find a good support group of young breast cancer survivors to join. 
So anyways, it's not all so terrible all the time.  Really, it's not. It's that first full week after a chemo treatment that's a doozy.  Then the next 2 weeks are better. Seriously better.  Like, I'm almost a normal person.  In fact I just got home from a Zumba party!

It just happened to be a Party in Pink-a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen Foundation.  It was a blast!  It was my first time doing Zumba in a club type setting, and I loved it.  I just wish I could have kept up a little better.  I have very little energy or stamina right now, but I did the best I could.  Trevor even came and shook it with the rest of us!  Well, he's still not sure if Zumba is his "thing", but I think he did awesome. My friend Jamie was one of the instructors there and she had asked me ahead of time if I could say a few words to the group to help them understand the importance of breast cancer research.  When I got up on the stage, they all clapped and cheered for me before I even said a word.  (It was the bald head that tipped them off that I was a cancer survivor-either that, or they could see my port under my baggy pink t-shirt.  No, it was the bald head for sure!)  I told them my story, specifically how I came to be diagnosed, and how treatments are going.  They laughed, they cried, they cheered lots for me (where were they all last week when I was crying in my bathtub?  I coulda used some cheers then!)  and I made sure I put in a nice plug for the NEXT Zumba fundraiser that was being held next weekend for... ahem... me.

Yes, my dear fundraising friends are at it again and I couldn't love them more for it!  Next Saturday, November 5th, from 11:00am to 12:30pm in Stanwood. I am so very thankful for those that spend so much time and energy raising money for us during this time.  I cannot express how much it means to us.

Well I need to go catch some ZZZZ's now.  Tomorrow morning (9am) is the children's primary program at church and we can't be late!

Chemo - cycle 2, here we go!

It's been a while since I updated this blog, I hope you didn't miss me too much!  Here's what's been going on:  Last Sunday and Monday, my hair started really falling out like crazy.  I know it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone but me, but before it was my choice that it was shaved, and it was still a little dark and thick and healthy, now it is all patchy and thin and sickly looking.  And for some reason now my scalp is more sensitive, kind of like needles pricking if I press down on my hair.  I know, I know, it means the chemo is doing it's job to kill those fast growing cells - but I still hate the way it looks right now.  I have given myself some new beauty rules:  earings and lipstick everyday!  Even when I'm not going anywhere.  It helps when I pass by a mirror to not feel so ugly. 

Monday we met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options.  Not sure what to say about that visit.  Because I'm going to go through radiation after the mastectomy, the skin on my chest will be pretty damaged, so they will actually have to pull skin from another area of my body and attach it to my chest to stretch for the reconstruction.  The doctor gave his 2 preferences: My abs or my back.  So I'm going to set up an online poll for you to cast your vote.  Haha, just kidding.  I can't even believe I'm adding this paragraph to my blog, but I'll just blame it on chemo brain.  (Yes, it's true.  They say chemo makes you a little fuzzy in the brain sometimes.)

Speaking of chemo, Wednesday was my second time to recieve my chemo treatment.  If you remember, I go in every 3 weeks for chemo, but every single Wednesday in between I go in for just mone drug, which is Herceptin - my super amazing drug that knows how to specifically target these little receptors on my cancerous cells.  I think it's part of the reason my cancer is being so affected my treatments.  That and all the prayers and fasts going up on my behalf.  Anyways, so my sister Susan took to me this time and we had lots of fun playing card games and eating yummy hostpital cafeteria food.  I wouldn't recommend the zucchini/squash side dish though.  It sounded great, but it was terrible.  Hmmm. 

Anyways, the infusion room is a big long room lined by windows that is sectioned off (really just by the arrangement of the reclining chairs we sit in).  Each nurse is assigned to a section of 4 patients kind of the way restaurants are divided into sections for the servers to work in.  There was a lady sitting across from my in my section, who I think looked a little to smug, but I found out why when all the nurses surrounded her and announced to the whole room that she was finishing up her very last chemo treatment that day!  We all cheered and clapped for her, then I had a most unexpected reaction: tears of jealousy.  I was soooo jeaous!  (and I was kidding about the smug looks she was giving by the way.)  I just wanted to be in her shoes so badly, but there I was just beginning my chemo treatment.  Poor me.  Wah wah. 

So now it's Friday, I've been feeling pretty good, just very TIRED this time around.  They say the symptoms are cyclical, so each cycle of chemo will be much like the last - except for the fatigue, which gets worse and worse each time.  I'm supposed to remain as active as I can, otherwise teh fatigue really gets worse.  So I've taken the kids swimming at the YMCA, I took the girls for a walk yesterday - it was such a pretty day we had to get outside and I'm sure we'll find something active to do today.  But I'm also able to keep getting lots of rest.  It's been nice because we've had dinners brought in the past couple nights from people in the  ward so I don't have to worry about that kind of thing right now.  And I'm taking naps in the afternoons when I put down the girls.  I love that they both take naps still and I am able to have that time to myself.  LIFE IS GOOD.  At least that's what the plaque in my living room says. :) 

Our fun fall famly photo shoot

I've been meaning to post these and give a big THANK YOU to Angie Earley from A Moment in Time Photography for taking so much time with us, being so patient and capturing these beautiful pictures of my family.  She lives close to Smokey Point and is now taking new clients!  If you're thinking about getting family pictures, call or email her, she's awesome! 206-992-7866  momenttimephoto@gmail.com.

I love this one, we were all cracking up because our friend Aaron Nelson (who's property we used for this shoot) was standing behind Angie making hilarious faces and noises.  I think if you hire Angie, you should consider hiring Aaron too.  Maybe they would do a two-fer-one special... ;)

Awww, we should use this for our wedding announcement photo.  Oh, wait... Never mind.  Too late.

We had lots of fun doing these ones in the tall grass.  The kids were being so cute, and yes, Aaron was helping to make them laugh.  Sometimes he'd run up to them, then jump away just in time for the picture to be taken.  So fun!

I love my girls!  I was just glad everyone was in a good mood.  Angie was so patient with us, and took millions of pics so we could end up with lots of good ones.

Yes, I love my boys too!  I love this piture, as I think it captures a special bond between the two.

Emma is so cute here!  She just looks so happy to be laying there with her mama!

Ellie has the sweetest little features.  She is going to be our little peacemaker, I know it.  She has the ability to express the sentiment, "everything is going to be fine", with just her eyes.  She has been able to do that since she was just a little baby in my arms.

How did I ever get so lucky to be mom to such sweet kiddos?  OK, granted I'm writing this at midnight and they've been tucked in bed for hours and I'm now well rested.  But really, I love them so much and am thankful, so thankful that I get to be their mom. 

Heart Attack!

Have you ever had a heart attack?  I have given many in my lifetime, but for the first time ever, I recieved one tonight.  This is what it looked like:

Now how could this not make me smile?  It was after dinner, I had just woken up from a little nap (herceptin made me sleepy), and there was a ring of the doorbell.  When I opened the door, there was no person in sight, but this is what I saw!  Each heart had a little message on it such as "bald is beautiful", or "we love you"!  One of the hearts said this was love from the Miamaids from the Arlington 1st ward.(Translation for non-mormons: love from the 14-15 year old girls from a congregation of Mormons that meets in Arlington.)  So cute!

So today I went in for my weekly Herceptin drip. They assigned me to a semi-private room, which felt a little weird because there was already an older man and his wife in the tiny room when my friend Kim and I walked in.  I said to him as I sat down, "So what are you in for?" just trying to make light of our obvious chemo-type situations.  His answer was "Life."  It turns out he found out in July that he has metastatic lung cancer.  He just woke up one day and felt a little different, so he went to the doctor.  He's got huge tumors in several of his organs and on his spine.  No cure.  Just treatment.  So sad.  I tried so hard to not cry talking to him but of course the tears welled up.  His wife said that at least he didn't have a lot of regrets and things he wishes he had done.  He lived a full life and had come to grips with what was happening to him.  "It is what it is" she said. 

My own news isn't so grim, though. My chemo is working!!!!!  I can barely even tell I have a tumor in my breast at all anymore.  Dr. Wang, my oncologist, today told me that she could barely feel it either.  It has only been 2 weeks since I started chemo and already HUGE results!  I couldn't be more thrilled.  She told me it's entirely possible there would be no trace of the cancer by the time I have my surgery.  But, yes, the surgery will still take place, in case you were going to ask.  Also, my little tiny hairs on my scalp are starting to fall out.  I guess that's another indication that the chemo is working, right?  I was tweezing my eyebrows this morning, and you know how usually it kind of hurts?   My hairs were just coming right out, no pain.  No resistance.  HIYAH Cancer!

So now it's 2am, and I'm still not tired.  Darn after dinner nap.

The Most ROCKING Head-Shaving Party Ever!!

Oh did we have fun last night! We laughed, we cried, (OK, only I cried), we ate lots of sugary treats and made a big mess of Northwest Children's School. So I've gotten a"head" of myself. I'll start at the beginning.

This is me with hair.  I decided to make a party out of a potentially bummer part of going through cancer:  LOSING HAIR.  We had the party at NW Children's School here in Arlington.  My friend Cathy owns the school and Tari is a teacher there, and they were kind enough to let us completely take over Tari's classroom for the night.  Tari's friends Amanda and Tyler, who work at Salon Chirella, volunteered their time and expertise shaving and providing pink hair extentions to anyone who wanted them.  They did this on Tyler's birthday, which was so kind of them both!

This got a little emotional for me, more than a few tears rolled down my cheeks here. 

It was over pretty quickly, then it was Trudy's turn.

I had maybe a little too much fun giving her a comb-over, and she was such a good sport about it!

Trudy's husband, Jeremy had to help a little too.

Tari getting shaved by Cathy.

Susan is getting her hair chopped for Locks of Love. (Trudy did too, but I don't have a pic)

Well, here are the new and improved Mower Sisters!  I still can't believe this.

Angry at the world.

The 5 bald ladies: Susan, Trudy, Me, Tari, and Jamie.  I felt so SUPPORTED!  I'm glad to not have to gone through this alone.  Doesn't my leg up make it look like we're having fun?!  Always works.

We surprised Tyler with a birthday cake and a loud rousing version of "happy birthday to you!"  I'm sure he was exhausted, but he didn't even pause to eat cake.  Too many heads to shave!

Ellie loves feeling my head!  I was worried that she'd be freaked out about it, but she's ok.  I think she likes it!  Poor baby has an ugly scab on her nose.  Alfy's accident.  Couldn't be helped.

Trevor and Travis getting shaved... Well, almost.  Trev had big plans for his head. 

Well, Isaac surprised us all and requested a mohawk!  He was surrounded by a bunch of his friends who were all doing similar things with their hair.  White trash?  Perhaps.  Fun?  Definitely.  I told Isaac he could wear his mohawk to school ONE time, then it was coming off!  ;) 

Yes, Cavin did it too! It was CRAZY last night.  I had no control over what may or may not have happened.

Trev is thinking to himself, "I don't feel PINK enough".

Now, that's better!

What a fun night it was, and there was so much more going on than I had pictures of.  Almost every woman and girl present got pink streaks dyed in their hair, or had pink extrentions put in.  Most of the men and boys ended up either bald or with some sort of pink mohawk style on top.  Probably a million plates of cookies were consumed.  Most of all it was fun being surrounded by friends and family during such an important night for me.  The doctor told me that before my hair falls out on it's own, my scalp would get tender and feel like I just took out a tight pony tail.  Well, my head felt like that all day on Saturday.  Perhaps a little reassurance that this was the right day to do the hair party?



Feelin' good in the 'hood!

Oh. My. Gosh.  I FORGOT what it felt like to feel "normal" and healthy!  Holy cow, today I felt like a whole new woman.  I had energy, I felt no pain anywhere, I could eat whatever I wanted, I went out to pizza with the family and we went to the outlet mall to do some long awaited back to school shopping for Isaac and Emma.  Every day I have felt so guilty sending Isaac to school in jeans with holes and Emma to preschool in dresses she had outgrown.  But finally I had the time, energy and health to at least get them a few things. :) 

And, there's no school tomorrow, so we're gonna find a park and completely KAMPTOWNE* it.  I can hardly wait!  I have missed my kids and my life. 

Today I actually wrote an email to Isaac's teacher to ask her a favor.  I asked her to call me if ever a lot of kids came to school w/ sniffles or coughs, or other sicknesses.  I said I'd come get Isaac and take him home.  This was my doctor's idea, and I liked it.  Anything to keep the sickies away!  And fun for me and Isaac. ;) I don't want to turn in to "that parent" that annoys the teacher, but hopefully she gets it. 


*To completely take over or dominate.  Sometimes it can mean to flip something over and set it on fire.

Hangin' Tough.

Well, I decided to entitle this post after my favorite New Kids on the Block song.  Yes, apparently things DO get hard when you're on chemo, and I have been experiencing this for the past 3 days.  Ugh.  I have to admit, after Saturday came and went (that was the 3rd day after chemo - the day that "they" said would be the hardest), I felt a little smug.  Hey, this cancer thing ain't so bad!  Things were going good, my dear friends and family in Everett put on another amazing garage sale to raise money for me, and worked so hard to make it a success.  I felt so loved and supported.  (still do) Sure, I've felt fatigued and a little heart burn-y for a few days, but who doesn't - right?! 

But Sunday morning HAD to come.  The best way to describe how I felt is to imagine being hit by a bus.  Every muscle ached, I got the chills, the sweats, my throat hurt, waaa.  I don't know how that bus specifically targeted my throat, but it did.  I felt miserable.  Even so, I decided that I wasn't going to disrupt our family's routine because of this, so we got ready and headed out the door to church.  Dumb.  Half way there, I was crying and we turned around and spent the day at home.  Trevor's so good to me, he TOLD me church was not a good idea, but I was stubborn.  Anyways, I am getting great care at home, Trev and the kids are amazing.  And just let the record show that the snack boy at home is way hotter than the one at the hostpital! Trevor did have to leave to go pick up Isaac around 2, but Trudy came over and spent the rest of the day taking care of me and Emma and Ellie.  It was so weird, I think I took 4-5 baths that day, I just could not get warm when I got those chills. 

Anyways, I went in to the doctor Monday and it turns out they think I have a viral infection.  Which is GREAT because I take that to mean that chemo won't always feel like this.  I'm much more succeptible to catching any little sickness that's floating around now, what with my suppressed immune system.  So even though things are hard right now, I can look forward to my future treatments w/out dread, because this isn't going to happen each and every time.  The doctors tell me to treat myself like a newborn baby.  Wear diapers, and drink lots of milk.  No, wait, I think they mean to say don't let sick people come around me.  I WILL catch the sickness, so I need to be careful.  Hand washing, sanitizer, clean environment...

Today is Tuesday and definitely was better than yesterday, which was better than the day before.  Here's to hoping tomorrow's better, too!  I am so thankful for the selfless service that I recieve on a daily basis these days.  Susan spent the whole day up here, having left her own kids w/ Guiellermo on his 1 day off.  Two friends were here this morning cleaning my house top to bottom, and a delicious meal was promptly delivered right at dinner time.  As has been the case day by day for the last several weeks. 

One more thing: This coming Saturday we're having a HEAD SHAVING PARTY!!  So, if you dare, come check out the action.  You can shave, go pink, do a pink streak, or just come and have fun watching...  The grand event will start at 7:30 pm at this address: (not my house) 3833 168th NE Arlington WA 98223.  It is Northwest Children's School, my friend offered to host it there so I wouldn't have to clean my house or stress in any way.  I think it will be nicer to shave the head surrounded by love and support rather than cryin' in the shower alone one day while clumps fall out. 

Sorry 'bout the long post.  But nobody made you read. ;)

Today was my very first day of chemo and it FELT GREAT!!  I've been waiting for this day for almost 4 weeks, the day I get to start kicking cancer's you-know-what.  So, this morning at 9 my girl friend Sarah picked me up, we dropped off the girls at Cyndi's, and headed off down to the hostpital.  They have this really huge long room with wall to wall windows and full of comfy recliners.  WiFi, a hot "snack boy" that comes around with a basket of granola bars and handi-snacks, a fridge full of pop and juice and the hostpital cafetereria just a few minutes away!  Is it any wonder to any of you that I'm most excited about being fed?  Oh, the other thing I forgot to mention: they stuck a needle in to the little port up on my chest and dripped drugs in to me for 5 hours.  What you see in the picture here is the big sticky cover they put over the needle, so it wouldn't get jostled around during the treatment.  I was able to walk around, go to the bathroom, etc because it was all very secure.  The pole to my right was on wheels so I just pulled it right around with me and it just drip drip dripped away.  My nurse was really nice, and me and Sarah just laughed and talked about everything from fruit flies to motorcycles to husbands.  Can't complain, it was a great day.

After chemo was over, Sarah dropped me off at my surgeon's office, and Trevor drove down to meet me for a follow up appointment.  Everything is healing nicely, I have a 2 inch incision in my armpit that is healing up from where they removed my 2 nodes, and the spots on my chest where they inserted my port are looking good too.  It is weird, honestly, that I have a little bump there now, but I think most of my shirts would cover it.  We asked Dr. Soriano a TON of questions and he did a really good job explaining everything to us.  We really like him, he takes a long time with us and is never rushed to get on to the next appointment.  We were in there for over an hour, he's great.  We feel really great about the care I'm recieving.

We are still so thankful for the outpouring of love from so many of you.  I have taken a lot of time to pray and reflect on our "new normal" and I have no doubt that this cancer situation will only serve to make our family stronger and build our relationships with eachother, our friends and family, and especially our Savior.  I know God has a plan for each of us and this trial is no accident.  It is a step in our progression to be more like Him.  As I have been the recipient of many many acts of service, I have grown to appreciate the Savior's love because I know you are acting as His hands in my family's lives.  Thank you thank you!  I definitely have a hard time being the "weak" one needing all the help these days, but I know it won't be forever.

Anyways, I gotta go, we're watching Survivor.  Yes, we still watch that, and yes, we still love it.

Praise the Lord!

WAHOOOOO!  We just heard from the surgeon's office and my bones are all disease free!  I'm not gonna die!  Just wanted to spread the amazing news and thank everyone for their prayers on my behalf.  We are definitely celebratin' tonight! 

The good, the bad, and the pink warriors

The past few days have been, well, a ROLLERCOASTER!!  Breast cancer has changed my life and there's no turning back.  I'll get the yucky stuff out of the way now so I can focus on the amazing blessings.  Yesterday we got a call from the surgeon with some bad news:  One of the lymph nodes they took out during the surgery had 4mm of cancer in it.  This means the cancer is on the move.  The thing that scares us the most is that they found some "spots of interest" on my spine a few days ago on the PET scan.  These spots didn't light up like cancer normally does, and hopefully are just calcium deposits, but I am going in for a bone scan on Monday just to be sure.  And yes, since you're asking, I WILL be radioactive for another day.  I can't wait to see what super power I get this time!  My bone scan was scheduled for Thursday, but with the news of cancer in the node, my surgeon pulled whatever strings he needed to in order to get me checked out sooner.  Trevor and I had a really hard night last night, worrying about "what ifs".  We are more at peace now but are still just anxious to get the results of the bone scan and see what the reality is that we face. 

On a way brighter note, an amazing group of friends threw a HUGE garage sale yesterday and today.  Donations of items and cash seemed to pour in from all over the community.  It was amazing the 2 times I dropped by to see the sea of pink as they worked so hard to raise money for me.  They all wore pink shirts that said "Lauren's Warriors" on them and they sold other pink shirts that said "SOS Saving our Sisters" as part of the fundraiser.  Can you imagine the love that I felt?  I am so blessed.  I am starting to see what the words Relief Society actually mean.  It's not just the fundraising, but the meals, and the cleaning of my house, and the caring for my kids, and the general outpouring of love we've recieved already.  Thank you to all of my sweet friends and family who are working so hard to make this trial easier for me and my family.  And if you're feeling left out, and want to be involved, round 2 of the garage sale commences NEXT weekend in Everett at Ryan and Heather Hammond's home. 

As you've probably noticed, I'm feeling a little more subdued as I write this than I have been in the past.  I feel like my feet have been knocked out from under me.  But like Trevor told me this morning, "We're gonna kick cancer's ass".  No doubt about it. 'scuze my french.

Now that I'm a superhero...

So yesterday for the 3rd time in a week, I was injected with a radioactive substance. Now, just a week ago, I didn't even know that nuclear medicine existed! (I know, call me sheltered) As he did the injection - which hurt so badly I clawed in to Trevor's hand and uttered a few words I'm not proud of - the doctor said to me, "now you'll understand why I never get Christmas cards from my patients." Seriously, he said that! They had to inject my breast with this substance to see which lymph nodes it would travel to first, thus predicting which lymph nodes the cancer would spread to, if it were to spread. They will do a biopsy on those nodes and hopefully all is well and they find nothing wrong with them!

After they were done taking pictures of my lymph nodes, I traveled up stairs to surgery. This was actually the much more pleasant than one would think. I got to lay in a super comfy bed while wearing a special kind of hospital gown that was hooked to a blower that filled it with warm air. Sooooo cool! I got to adjust the temperature of the air, I probably looked like a marshmallow. In one hand I held the remote for that, and in the other hand I held a remote for the TV. You should be jealous, it was heaven. Not long after, they gave me a little shot, wheeled me down to surgery, and I was asleep before I even got there.

I woke up in a different room with different nurses (why do they do that?) with someone saying, "Lauren, you can wake up now". I drifted in and out of sleep for about an hour. I had this inner fight with myself: I should wake up, they want me up. But, it feels so good to just lay here. I don't have to get up if I don't want to. But they probably want me out of here, I need to wake up! And so on. Looking back, I shoulda just stayed asleep, but I'm too worried about putting people out, and heaven knows I shouldn't put out those nurses!

I'm home now and healing just fine along with the help of my new friend: VICODIN. It's pretty nice, and no, you can't have any. So stop asking. I think at some point today I'll take a shower and get dressed, but that's pretty low priority. Top priority really is sitting here in my bed eating these sumosas while I dink around on the computer. Mom is here watching the kids for the 2nd day in a row, which is so nice, as I can't drive or lift children for about a week.

Oh, tomorrow is the start of the big fundraising garage sale my friends are putting on up here. It is so awesome to see the outpouring of love and help we've recieved already. I am one very blessed girl. My friend is taking me tomorrow afternoon to a class put on by the American Cancer Society called "Look Good, Feel Better". The aim of the class is to help cancer survivors learn how to paint on our eyebrows during chemo, and tye scarves around our bald heads in a cute way.

That's all I have for now! I've gotta go... eat something else and maybe sleep a little more. I know, tough day. :)

New normal

During the first couple of days after my diagnosis, I had a conversation with my friend Mary. She said something that made me sort of sad at first, but it made me think. "I know you're going to just want everything to hurry up and go back to normal, but it probably will never be exactly the same. You'll have a new normal." (paraphrasing, of course) I chose to use this phrase "new normal" in my blog's title, because it is a good way of encompassing a variety of thoughts and feelings. Here are a few examples:

Last night, Trevor and I went out to dinner. My friend works at the restaraunt we were at and she happened to mention to our server that I was recently diagnosed w/ breast cancer. No problem at all, it's no secret. So our server came over with an ultra-sad face and told me how sorry she was, and told me about her grandma who had breast cancer like 3 years ago. But, she's up and walking now finally, she said! People want to empathize, but all they've got is grandma's story. New normal.

A couple of days ago, some friends and I met to organize the coop preschool we're doing for our kiddos this fall. Everyone had to shuffle dates around and be completely flexible to accomodate my chemo and upcoming surgeries. They all said they were happy to do whatever they needed to make it easy for me, but I felt like a chump being the one with all the special circumstances! New normal.

Last night, while Trevor and I had our date night, Mom, Dad, Susan and Cavin came over to watch the kids and actually deep cleaned the house! I'm talkin' bathrooms, refrigerator, vacumming stairs, kitchen... It felt so good to be taken care of that way, but I felt so guilty about it. New normal. (not having them clean my house all the time, but just getting used to being the object of other's service for a while)

It's not all bad, just new and different, and we're adjusting. Now I'm going to go get the girls up and feed them breakfast. I'm thinkin' waffles today. Old normal. :)

My second email sent out to friends and family (originally sent Sep 7, 2011)

Hi everyone,

It's been about a week or so since I emailed you guys about what's going on, and we have a few updates now. We finally have a more clear picture as to what the treatment schedule is going to be! I go in to surgery next Wednesay the 14th to have my port put in and some lymph nodes out. Then the following Wednesday I get to start chemo. Finally, I'm on the schedule!

We have met with so many different doctors and have had complete "information overload" lately! We found out this week that chemo often brings on early menopause, so we met with a doctor at Seattle Reproductive Mediceine to discuss what I could do to stop that from happening. Turns out there's a drug I can take that should help. The drug is supposed to "help" in that the menopause will be temporary, not permanent. That is the hope. But the bad thing is that I'll be experiencing all the menopause symptoms along w/ all the chemo syptoms. (insert scared face). Then we met with the Radiation Oncologist who told me that after my mastectomy, I'll have to go in for radiation EVERY DAY for 6 weeks. So that shold be fun. Oh, and now they think my 3 tumors are just one big tumor, which kind of made me scared because that would mean it's 6cmx4x4, and would be considered stage 3 cancer. The doctor didn't seem too concerned about it, which is kind of annoying to me. By the time I start chemo, I will have waited almost 4 weeks for them to do anything.

Anyways, so far the worst part isn't the bad news we keep getting, but the time spent away from the kids. Today, afer 2 doctor appointments, I was so excited to go home and hug my girls and take them to a park or something, but the tech who was doing my MUGA scan told me to try not to touch my kids too much today because, well, I was radioactive. And we don't want to cook the kids, do we?! So I spent the day alone in Lynnwood trying not to touch people (and trying on wigs and shopping, and other errands!) I know you're probably asking yourselves, "Why in the world is Lauren complaining about getting to spend a beautiful afternoon shopping w/out kids?" Haha, ok, it wasn't really that bad. I bought myself a couple of super cute scarves to cover my head. The cancer made me do it.

There HAVE been some good things that have come of this, believe it or not. This experience has brought us closer as a family, so I'm grateful for that. We have been so very well taken care of by you, our family and friends. The love and support is actually overwhelming, and brings me to tears on a regular basis. Our kids have been so well cared for, meals have been spontaneously (it seems to me) brought to us, right when we most needed them, and this doesn't even include the fundraising efforts that are going on. I know there are garage sales being planned, a Zumba fundraiser, and t-shirts being created to sell as a fundraiser, plus 2 friends are donating the proceeds from their home based businesses to my fund. One friend, Laura, sells Mary Kay. Another sells Lia Sophia jewelry. So I'm putting the word out if you are interested in hosting a Mary Kay or Lia Sophia party, just let me know and I'll hook you up. I absolutely HATE asking for money but I'm sharing this with you guys because everyone has been asking what they could do to help. Ugh, that was uncomfortable wasn't it?

Sorry this email is so long, I guess I tend to ramble.

Love Lauren

My first email to my friends and family (originally sent Sep 1, 2011)

Hello dear friends and family,

Some of you already know that I was dignosed with stage 2 breast cancer last Friday. I just created this email group of my family members and some dear friends so I could keep you all updated on what is going on. I know sometimes people want to know but don't want to bother me to ask, so here ya go!

Next week I go in for a minor surgery to remove a few lymph nodes and to insert a "port" where they will administer the chemo. This port will stay in for about a year, because I have HER2 positive. This supposedly is good and bad. Good because they have amazingly effective drugs that can fight it, bad because the cancer is agressive and I have to go in every 3 weekds for a year to get the drug squirted in to my port. ;)

So chemo will begin next week (I think) and last for 3-4 months. The doctors all say I'll lose my hair so I went with my mom to the cancer resource center yesterday to see what free wigs they had and we walked away with the one that I hated the least! I definitely think I'll be a scarf girl, not a wig girl. But Trevor said we should go and actaully BUY one at a nice wig store. (anybody know one?) When or if my hair starts to fall out, we'll be hosting a "head shaving/dying pink" party, and anyone is welcome to come and shave or dye! Sound fun?

After chemo, I'll undergo surgery. I guess that will be my Christmas present! The doctors recommend a mastectomy because I have 3 different cancers and they have spread out in to more than one quadrant of my breast. One of them is rather close to chest muscle, which is a reason they want to do chemo first. To shrink the cancer away from the muscle a little bit. Now, because I am so young and because my grandma was so young when she was diagnosed with breast cancer (she was 42), they think I might be a carrier of the BRCA gene. I was tested for it on Monday and will have the results in about a week. If I do carry that gene, I am highly likely to get breast cancer again and they would recommend a bilateral mastectomy.

Now you know what I know!

Love Lauren