Bye Bye chemo!

Dare I say it?  I think I'm finally done with chemo!!  I had kind of a false alarm on Monday morning, though.  I woke up early in the morning laying perfectly still doing my usual "week after chemo" mental checklist.  Do I feel nauseated?  No.  Is there any type of weird burning sensation in my chest?  No.  Am I uncomfortable in any way?  No.  Am I hungry?  Yes.  Do I want to see my kids?  Yes.  Do I have enough energy to get out of bed?  Yes.  Tears sprung to my eyes, and I immediately hit my knees and said the most thankful prayer I can ever remember saying.  

Then I got out of bed and saw this on the living room floor:

Now, if you have never received a love note written entirely out of legos, well... I don't know what to tell you.  Trevor is pretty good.  Not just pretty good.  He's been amazing throughout this whole ordeal.  He continues to love me through all my cranky sicky days, and has to pick up a LOT of slack around here.  I'm so lucky. :)

But, dagnabbit, I was still sick.  But now I think I'm better.  What a difference a couple of days makes.  Anyways, I'll spare the talk of how I got sick again, and all the throwing up, and the 4 hour visit to the doctor to get more meds and fluids because of my dehydration.  That's over and done, right?  

I really want to share a little ditty from another cancer survivor's blog that I recently discovered.  It's from chemobabe.com.  She's pretty insightful and has been down the journey I'm on, and it's helpful for me to hear and learn from others' experiences.  I LOVED the following metaphor:

Chemotherapy as a treatment is like walking along and arriving at a great chasm in my path. I can’t see the bottom but am told that I must go forward into the pit if I want to continue on with my life. So I reluctantly slide down into that chemo-hole, not sure what snakes or rats or crags or spiders might hurt me along the way down, not knowing exactly where the bottom lies, whether its made of soft mud or hard concrete. I brace myself for the bottom and, once I hit, I recover some, gather up my strength. Then I scale my way back out, climbing toward light and life, looking to find solid ground again. Arriving back on land, perhaps scarred, scared, weary, and even bitten, I must walk forward again, in order to actively choose my life. Soon I face another chasm, another chemo-hole, which may or may not be like the previous one. In general, I have been told, the pits will get nastier as I progress on this path, but I also learn some crag-avoiding tricks and ways to break my fall. But down I go, and somehow, once again, I must try to find my way out of that darkness, knowing that I will crawl back into the light, only have to sink down again.

The time spent at the bottom of the pit is the hardest. There is a moment of time, after I have landed at the bottom and have had the wind knocked out of me, where I am stunned and confused, not quite able to take anything in. But then I get this fighting feeling and want to scramble out with as much might as I can muster. My coming to usually involves hearing my children’s voices, whether in joy or distress. I resent being sidelined from their lives. As soon as I am able, I feel compelled to get out of the hole, no matter how battered down I have been, if only to hear about their day, brush their hair, or ooo and aaah at their latest art project.

She paints a good picture of what it feels like.  Part of the torture of chemo is that you voluntarily allow the poison to drip in to your body.  It feels so wrong, but you know it has to be done.  And yes, each cycle of chemo was worse than the last.  And I completely resented being "sidelined" from my kids' lives.  I still resent it, but I've come to some cool realizations that are helping with these feelings.    

Let me give you a teeny tiny snapshot of what's been going on around here:  Monday afternoon my parents and Cavin arrived to help me and to take care of the girls while Trevor drove down to pick up Isaac in Centralia.  They cooked, cleaned, read to me, played with the girls, and put them to bed.  They let me nap, bathe, relax and heal.  

Tuesday morning, my friend Leah comes over in the morning.  She makes the kids waffles, then bundles the girls up in snow clothes and walks them home to her house, as she is watching them for me all day.  Enter Elise and Michelle.  They have just battled the snowy roads to come clean my house for me.  I am on the phone with a nurse when they arrive.  The nurse wants me to come in to the hospital right away, the doctor is going to want to see me.  So we send Isaac down to Cindy's house for the day to play, and Trevor drives me to the hospital.  My friends stay at the house and continue deep cleaning, locking up after they finished.  After 4 hours at the hospital, completely exhausted but feeling better, we return to the house to find our driveway/sidewalks have been shoveled for the 2nd day in a row, thanks to Leah's husband.  About 45 minutes later, DeeDee arrives with dinner.  15 minutes after that, the girls come home.  It's now 5pm, and Barby knocks on the door.  She is here to help serve and clean up dinner.  I actually had to call Kim and tell her we wouldn't need her to come over at 7 to help get kids ready for bed, and that we'd take a rain check.

Did I mention this is just a SNAPSHOT?  This is the kind of help our family has been receiving.  We are so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by loving family and friends.  The tears flow freely as I type this, and I'll try to explain:

Have you ever had an assignment at church that you really liked, then just when you were feeling confident and comfortable in your position, you get released from that job and someone else takes over?  Or for those who have gone on missions, do you remember the weird feeling you'd have when you were transferred to another area, and you had to leave behind the people you loved that you were teaching?  These are small ways I believe the Lord is teaching us that this is HIS work, not ours.  We can live our lives serving Him and doing our very best, but no matter how much we try to make it about us, it's not.  He is in charge and we can help Him or not.  

I feel that while I have been "sidelined" so to speak during a small portion of my childrens' childhood, Heavenly Father has been orchestrating things masterfully and has not missed a beat.  My children are being so very well cared for.  My children are HIS work!  I actually feel like I am getting free parenting lessons from all the wonderful women who have been helping me.  I just watch and learn.  My house still gets clean.  We eat lovingly prepared meals.  We are being taken care of.  I'm not saying that I'm being replaced or "transferred", or anything like that.  But I'm coming to realize I shouldn't worry so much and that the Lord is so involved in a very real way.  This doesn't diminish at all the efforts of the friends and family around us.  Quite the opposite.  I feel like they are angels!  Doing the Lord's work.

I do wish I could do my mamma proud and be a good "thank you" note writer right now.  This practice was deeply drilled into me from my childhood.  Not that I was ever perfect at it, but I at least know enough to feel guilty when I don't write one!  I'm sure after reading this, mom will volunteer to come over and help me hammer out a bunch of 'em. :)

Almost done with the "Crappy Crap"!!

All right everyone, here I sit watching My Little Ponies with Emma and Ellie the night before my VERY LAST CHEMO INFUSION!! Yes, can you tell I'm a little happy about that?  (No, not the Pony part... I tried watching Sound of Music with them but they got bored with the talking parts, then I tried Wizard of Oz, but they were scared by the wizard.  So I finally let Emma pick a show.) (And stop judging me for letting them watch so much TV tonight.  I'm really tired.)  I will go in early in the morning for a blood draw, then meet with my Oncologist, ask her all my burning questions, then go to support group all before my 12:00 appointment for liquid poison.  I am praying that my blood counts will all be in the normal range, because last time I went in for my scheduled chemo, my platelets and red blood cell counts were too low, and my doctor had me wait another week.  I looked at her and cried because it ruined my plan to be done with this treatment by Jan 4.  And it ruined my plan to be healthy the week before Christmas.  But, I've heard that is kind of common, especially towards the end of treatment...And it all ended up working out just fine, though.  The change in schedule made it possible for Trevor and I to attend the Young Survivor Coalition holiday party.  This is the support group I attend that meets in Seattle.  It seems to be more than a support group, but a great  community of women, who continue to come to meetings and events long after treatment is over. I have made some friends there and have had some really good talks.  I love it because I get to learn all the lovely things my mind and body have in store in the coming months and years. ;)

On the subject of "things that are common towards the end of chemo", my hair is actually starting to grow back.  It's kind of weird that it would grow back so soon, but I'm not gonna argue!  It's not thick and lovely looking, but is sparse, soft and sickly looking.  But, it's HAIR!  I'm kind of curious what it will grow back like: They say that straight hair after chemo grows back curly, so I'm guessing my curly hair will grow back curli-er.  Can't wait to find out.

OK now, I'm sitting in the hall outside of the Kids' rooms waiting for Emma to fall asleep.  She is scared of bedtime recently and sometimes if I sit here until she falls asleep, it helps her feel safe. She thinks a monster will come out of her closet.  :(  

OK, this is a little off topic, but here is a picture Emily Stephens took of me and Isaac last weekend in a Krispy Creme.  Not quite sure why my had looks all jacked up... See us smiling with excitement watching those hot doughnuts come out of the oil?  We spontaneously hopped off the freeway on our way down to Centralia just because we saw the "HOT NOW" sign lit up. We were so excited to get our free Original Glazed doughnut fresh off the belt, only to find out they "don't do that anymore". Ugh.  Ya mean we have to BUY our doughnuts?!!  What is that all about?

Well, I just read through this post and it is probably more random than most. Sorry 'bout that. You have to read it in the same order I think it, I guess.  Anyways, wish me luck!  Here's to blood counts in the "normal" range, and a week of sickness.  I promise I won't complain, I am excited to put chemo behind me.  And I'm excited to be the one that the nurses come over to and clap for tomorrow... I'm gonna make some newbie cry with jealousy!  Heh heh heh.

Chemo Eve (for my second to last infusion)

Well tomorrow I go in for my second to last chemo infusion.  I get emotional every time I think about being done with this.  I've felt really good for almost a week now, and am trying to emotionally prepare for the crappy crap that I know is inevitable starting tomorrow.  This last cycle was a doozy, and I'm sure the last two will be no better.  BUT, I have learned an important lesson:  When I am dealing with terrible side effects and it seems unbearable, I need to go to the doctor right away.  They have drugs to help.  Let me explain.

I was sick for my usual one week following a chemo infusion, then woke up the Wednesday following chemo feeling GREAT.  I spent a day and a half feeling like a champ, then (of course) overdid it and ended up flat on my back for about a week.  The culprit?  Hemorrhoids and terrible mouth sores.

I've probably mentioned that constipation is a major side effect of chemo, and I have to constantly take measures to keep it all in check.  Well, that condition, coupled with my "overdoing it" (cooking, cleaning, playing w/ kids, out to eat...), was a recipe for disaster.  Now I know it's gross to talk about, but it is my hope that my blog will help someone else who is going to go through what I'm going through, so I don't see the point really to sensor too much.  I have also come to realize that getting hemorrhoids is pretty common, but you wouldn't know because WHO EVER TALKS ABOUT IT?!   Anyways, the point is that I was able to be healed rather quickly after going to the urgent care clinic on Sunday, then meeting with the nurses at my herceptin infusion on Wednesday.  Thank goodness!  It was soooo miserable.  Standing hurt, sitting hurt, laying down hurt.  Ugh, I'm glad it's over.

I was also dealing with mouth sores for the first time.  Another chemo side effect.  I would cry when I put food in my mouth it hurt so bad.  It hurt to even drink a fruit smoothie!  I didn't realize that there was anything they could do for me, but after talking to my nurse during herceptin, I was able to get a prescription for something that was actually called, "Magic Mouthwash"!  It worked SO WELL!  I was so mad at myself for waiting so long to talk to someone about the awful mouth sores.  I had just continued to rinse with the warm water/salt/baking soda mixture that they had told me about before.  And it didn't help at all.

So anyways, I started feeling so much better towards the end of last week, and pretty much felt like a normal person for almost a week.  Trevor and I were able to go out for a while on Saturday and do some Christmas shopping really for the first time.  We got a lot accomplished sans kids.

Also, in there somewhere, I took Emma and Ellie to the Nutcracker at the Performing Arts Center down the street from us.  We had a great time.  I was going to just take Emma, but Susan (my sister) came up for the day to help me and suggested she come too, and bring Ellie.  It was so fun!  Ellie was really good during the whole thing.  Here are some pictures of that day:

 
Emma had her dress picked out WEEKS ago, when I told her we were going to go to the Nutcracker.  The dress is really a dress up dress, but I couldn't talk her in to anything else, so I thought "why not?".  She was so happy.  The bottom picture is of most of the group we went with.  We had so much fun!

This last weekend, our stake put on our first annual Nativity Festival.  It was beautiful and so well put together.  It was a very spiritual experience for all of us who were able to attend.

This is Emma with her friend, Esther dressed up in the kid's room.There were crafts for them to do, little nativity scenes they could play with, and the dress up nativity scene.

This is a picture of us in the Live Nativity portion of the event.  This scene was set up at one end of the gym, and the entire rest of the gym was set up with over 550 nativity scenes from all over the world.  People were able to walk around and look at all of them, and the live scene was an amazing one to stop at.  It ran continuously for the afternoons and evenings the festival was open, and the people switched out every half hour. In this picture, I am Mary, Trevor is Joseph standing to my right, and Isaac is a shepherd boy kneeling to my left.  Our friends Evan and Pierce were also shepherds.  Our job was to be still and gaze adoringly at the little doll which was baby Jesus.  It was a pretty cool experience.  It was incredible to be able to take a half an hour to just sit and reflect on the miracle of Christ's birth.  Isaac and Pierce were able to sit still the whole time because we promised them cookies at the end!

Well that's it for now.  Wish me luck as I go in to my infusion tomorrow.  I am excited to get it over with. :)  Thanks to all of you for your love, prayers, and support.  I am the luckiest girl I know. I am surrounded by amazing people who work so hard to make my life easier.

11/11/11!

Well I would be completely remiss if I neglected to write in my blog on 11/11/11!  A very special day to wish a happy 33rd (yes, 11+11+11=33) b-day to Cindy Glunt.  Now, if I time it just right, I will click "publish post" at exactly 11:11pm.  Oh my gosh am I a dork?

I feel like I'm letting more and more time pass between posting in my blog, but I want to still keep in touch, especially with friends and family that live far away and wonder how I'm doing.  My last chemo infusion was 9 days ago, and I made it through the hard first week, and am starting up with the good 2 weeks.  That's how it goes:  a really hard week followed by 2 pretty good ones.  It's nice that there is a pattern and I can anticipate how I'll feel on any particular date.  Seriously, give me a date and I'll tell you how I'm gonna feel.  Thanksgiving?  I'm gonna feel like crap.  Christmas?   I'm gonna feel amazing.  See, I've already mapped out the holidays.  Black Friday?  Don't even think about it.  I'll be home in the fetal position rocking back and forth.

Last Saturday (3 days after chemo) I went to the Zumba fundraiser my friends held for me in Stanwood.  It was pretty amazing to go see.  To have so many friends there (and lots that I didn't even know) to support me felt so good.  Trevor actually came and did Zumba in a gorilla costume!  It was pretty funny, but he didn't last long in that.  I guess it's pretty warm. :)  Anyways, we stayed for a while, and I tried to Zumba it up as well as I could, but I had zero energy or stamina, and felt pretty embarrassed that I could barely last through a full song without having to go sit.  Sitting and watching became kind of hard, because I kept getting jealous of all the happy healthy dancing bodies in the room, so Trev took me out to lunch.  I was glad I got to go and be there for part of it, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by wonderful people who work so hard to make things easier for me and my family. 

That day (Nov 5th) also was our 6th anniversary!  I can't believe it's been 6 whole years, time flies.  Trev still can't believe he married me with what he calls my "pre-existing condition".  That would be the cancer.  We were told that my cancer is about 7 years old.  This is an estimate based on the size of the largest tumor and the rate the cells divide.  So, technically, I had cancer before I even knew Trevor.  But now he's stuck with me!  (For those that don't know Trevor's sense of humor, don't be worried.  We joke about the "preexisting condition".  He's not insensitive, just funny!) 

So I get a lot of "how are you feeling?" questions and it's really hard to explain the crummy 1st week feeling... It's a little bit like 1st trimester pregnancy because food sounds terrible, but the only way to feel better it to eat sometimes.  This time around, my fingers, tongue and lips are tingly.  My hot flashes come and go just as annoyingly as ever, my taste buds are out of whack- food just doesn't taste right.  And I'm tired a lot.  But guess what?  I've finished 3 chemo infusions, and I only have 3 left.  Soooo... that's freakin' awesome, right?  It feels really amazing to be half done.

Trudy and Susan (with her 2 kiddos Natalie and Gerard) came to take care of me and my kids today.  It was so nice, I was able to get in a little nap, the kids played, me and Trudy took Natalie and Emma for a little walk in the rain (we sang Christmas carols all the way home) and we just relaxed.  Then tomorrow, Mom and Dad will come spend the day up here, since Trevor and Isaac are going to be hunting.  It's nice to get so much help and support.

Anyways, I think the Melatonin is starting to kick in finally.  My mom suggested it since I have a hard time with sleeping these days.  I'm crossing my fingers for a full night's sleep w/ no interruption.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ups and downs

You know, I've had good days and I've had bad days.  Isn't that what life is all about?  Experiencing both joy and pain, sickness and health, ups and downs?  This is how we learn, grow and progress.  I know this.  I understand that we need to go through the miserable times to help us better appreciate the great times, and I'm glad for that perspective, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself! ;) 

That's where I was last week:  feeling very, very VERY sorry for myself.  Let me tell you something about going through menopause.  It ain't fun.  It messes with your mind, emotions, sleep patterns, internal thermometer... I was either in tears or on the verge the entire week.  Not to mention the other stuff chemo does to me: constipation, changed taste buds, my mouth feeling "weird", headaches, and the ever present fatigue.   BUT my symptoms and moods are kind of predictable, and I remember to tell myself that it's all temporary and it's the chemo's fault.  Not Trevor's.  Not the kids'.

I did a lot of reading that week.  Reading of other people's cancer experiences.  I read a really good article by a woman who was about my age and went through cancer treatments in 2010.  She's about my age and kept a detailed journal throughout her treatments and compiled some of her thoughts in to an article.  It was so VALIDATING for me to read her words.  I identified with so many of her feelings.  For example, she cried when the nurse inserted the needle for the IV.  I totally do that!  Every single time I get poked with a needle, whether it's in my port, arm, or butt, a single tear trickles down my face.  I hate it.  Needles never bothered me before, but I hate them now.  Hate.  Another thing she put in to words for me is this:  

"I thought having fatigue, as the doctor referred to it, meant I'd be out like a light. Nope. In fact, actual sleep is elusive. Fatigue means curling up under a blanket without moving. For hours. My mind is usually racing, but my body is perfectly still."

Then she goes on to say that her parents convinced her to move back in with them (she was engaged, no kids) for the duration of cancer treatments.  She does this and is able to be taken care of by them, rarely leaving their home except when she goes to the city for her chemo treatments.  I have to admit that made me REALLY jealous.  Not that I don't love my kids.  I mean come on, have you even seen our family photos?  They are adorable.  I CLEARLY love my kids.  But to be able to "curl up under a blanket without moving for hours" and give in to the fatigue sometimes sounds nice.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/article.aspx?cp-documentid=30982257&OCID=LIKE

OK, apparently I don't know how to insert a link into a blog, but if you want to read it, you may copy and paste!  I really could go on forever about the things she writes about that strike a major nerve in me. I wanted to find her email address so I could send her an email and thank her for sharing her journal with the world.  It was truly therapeutic to read and was a factor in my decision to find a good support group of young breast cancer survivors to join. 
So anyways, it's not all so terrible all the time.  Really, it's not. It's that first full week after a chemo treatment that's a doozy.  Then the next 2 weeks are better. Seriously better.  Like, I'm almost a normal person.  In fact I just got home from a Zumba party!

It just happened to be a Party in Pink-a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen Foundation.  It was a blast!  It was my first time doing Zumba in a club type setting, and I loved it.  I just wish I could have kept up a little better.  I have very little energy or stamina right now, but I did the best I could.  Trevor even came and shook it with the rest of us!  Well, he's still not sure if Zumba is his "thing", but I think he did awesome. My friend Jamie was one of the instructors there and she had asked me ahead of time if I could say a few words to the group to help them understand the importance of breast cancer research.  When I got up on the stage, they all clapped and cheered for me before I even said a word.  (It was the bald head that tipped them off that I was a cancer survivor-either that, or they could see my port under my baggy pink t-shirt.  No, it was the bald head for sure!)  I told them my story, specifically how I came to be diagnosed, and how treatments are going.  They laughed, they cried, they cheered lots for me (where were they all last week when I was crying in my bathtub?  I coulda used some cheers then!)  and I made sure I put in a nice plug for the NEXT Zumba fundraiser that was being held next weekend for... ahem... me.

Yes, my dear fundraising friends are at it again and I couldn't love them more for it!  Next Saturday, November 5th, from 11:00am to 12:30pm in Stanwood. I am so very thankful for those that spend so much time and energy raising money for us during this time.  I cannot express how much it means to us.

Well I need to go catch some ZZZZ's now.  Tomorrow morning (9am) is the children's primary program at church and we can't be late!

Chemo - cycle 2, here we go!

It's been a while since I updated this blog, I hope you didn't miss me too much!  Here's what's been going on:  Last Sunday and Monday, my hair started really falling out like crazy.  I know it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone but me, but before it was my choice that it was shaved, and it was still a little dark and thick and healthy, now it is all patchy and thin and sickly looking.  And for some reason now my scalp is more sensitive, kind of like needles pricking if I press down on my hair.  I know, I know, it means the chemo is doing it's job to kill those fast growing cells - but I still hate the way it looks right now.  I have given myself some new beauty rules:  earings and lipstick everyday!  Even when I'm not going anywhere.  It helps when I pass by a mirror to not feel so ugly. 

Monday we met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options.  Not sure what to say about that visit.  Because I'm going to go through radiation after the mastectomy, the skin on my chest will be pretty damaged, so they will actually have to pull skin from another area of my body and attach it to my chest to stretch for the reconstruction.  The doctor gave his 2 preferences: My abs or my back.  So I'm going to set up an online poll for you to cast your vote.  Haha, just kidding.  I can't even believe I'm adding this paragraph to my blog, but I'll just blame it on chemo brain.  (Yes, it's true.  They say chemo makes you a little fuzzy in the brain sometimes.)

Speaking of chemo, Wednesday was my second time to recieve my chemo treatment.  If you remember, I go in every 3 weeks for chemo, but every single Wednesday in between I go in for just mone drug, which is Herceptin - my super amazing drug that knows how to specifically target these little receptors on my cancerous cells.  I think it's part of the reason my cancer is being so affected my treatments.  That and all the prayers and fasts going up on my behalf.  Anyways, so my sister Susan took to me this time and we had lots of fun playing card games and eating yummy hostpital cafeteria food.  I wouldn't recommend the zucchini/squash side dish though.  It sounded great, but it was terrible.  Hmmm. 

Anyways, the infusion room is a big long room lined by windows that is sectioned off (really just by the arrangement of the reclining chairs we sit in).  Each nurse is assigned to a section of 4 patients kind of the way restaurants are divided into sections for the servers to work in.  There was a lady sitting across from my in my section, who I think looked a little to smug, but I found out why when all the nurses surrounded her and announced to the whole room that she was finishing up her very last chemo treatment that day!  We all cheered and clapped for her, then I had a most unexpected reaction: tears of jealousy.  I was soooo jeaous!  (and I was kidding about the smug looks she was giving by the way.)  I just wanted to be in her shoes so badly, but there I was just beginning my chemo treatment.  Poor me.  Wah wah. 

So now it's Friday, I've been feeling pretty good, just very TIRED this time around.  They say the symptoms are cyclical, so each cycle of chemo will be much like the last - except for the fatigue, which gets worse and worse each time.  I'm supposed to remain as active as I can, otherwise teh fatigue really gets worse.  So I've taken the kids swimming at the YMCA, I took the girls for a walk yesterday - it was such a pretty day we had to get outside and I'm sure we'll find something active to do today.  But I'm also able to keep getting lots of rest.  It's been nice because we've had dinners brought in the past couple nights from people in the  ward so I don't have to worry about that kind of thing right now.  And I'm taking naps in the afternoons when I put down the girls.  I love that they both take naps still and I am able to have that time to myself.  LIFE IS GOOD.  At least that's what the plaque in my living room says. :) 

Heart Attack!

Have you ever had a heart attack?  I have given many in my lifetime, but for the first time ever, I recieved one tonight.  This is what it looked like:

Now how could this not make me smile?  It was after dinner, I had just woken up from a little nap (herceptin made me sleepy), and there was a ring of the doorbell.  When I opened the door, there was no person in sight, but this is what I saw!  Each heart had a little message on it such as "bald is beautiful", or "we love you"!  One of the hearts said this was love from the Miamaids from the Arlington 1st ward.(Translation for non-mormons: love from the 14-15 year old girls from a congregation of Mormons that meets in Arlington.)  So cute!

So today I went in for my weekly Herceptin drip. They assigned me to a semi-private room, which felt a little weird because there was already an older man and his wife in the tiny room when my friend Kim and I walked in.  I said to him as I sat down, "So what are you in for?" just trying to make light of our obvious chemo-type situations.  His answer was "Life."  It turns out he found out in July that he has metastatic lung cancer.  He just woke up one day and felt a little different, so he went to the doctor.  He's got huge tumors in several of his organs and on his spine.  No cure.  Just treatment.  So sad.  I tried so hard to not cry talking to him but of course the tears welled up.  His wife said that at least he didn't have a lot of regrets and things he wishes he had done.  He lived a full life and had come to grips with what was happening to him.  "It is what it is" she said. 

My own news isn't so grim, though. My chemo is working!!!!!  I can barely even tell I have a tumor in my breast at all anymore.  Dr. Wang, my oncologist, today told me that she could barely feel it either.  It has only been 2 weeks since I started chemo and already HUGE results!  I couldn't be more thrilled.  She told me it's entirely possible there would be no trace of the cancer by the time I have my surgery.  But, yes, the surgery will still take place, in case you were going to ask.  Also, my little tiny hairs on my scalp are starting to fall out.  I guess that's another indication that the chemo is working, right?  I was tweezing my eyebrows this morning, and you know how usually it kind of hurts?   My hairs were just coming right out, no pain.  No resistance.  HIYAH Cancer!

So now it's 2am, and I'm still not tired.  Darn after dinner nap.

Hangin' Tough.

Well, I decided to entitle this post after my favorite New Kids on the Block song.  Yes, apparently things DO get hard when you're on chemo, and I have been experiencing this for the past 3 days.  Ugh.  I have to admit, after Saturday came and went (that was the 3rd day after chemo - the day that "they" said would be the hardest), I felt a little smug.  Hey, this cancer thing ain't so bad!  Things were going good, my dear friends and family in Everett put on another amazing garage sale to raise money for me, and worked so hard to make it a success.  I felt so loved and supported.  (still do) Sure, I've felt fatigued and a little heart burn-y for a few days, but who doesn't - right?! 

But Sunday morning HAD to come.  The best way to describe how I felt is to imagine being hit by a bus.  Every muscle ached, I got the chills, the sweats, my throat hurt, waaa.  I don't know how that bus specifically targeted my throat, but it did.  I felt miserable.  Even so, I decided that I wasn't going to disrupt our family's routine because of this, so we got ready and headed out the door to church.  Dumb.  Half way there, I was crying and we turned around and spent the day at home.  Trevor's so good to me, he TOLD me church was not a good idea, but I was stubborn.  Anyways, I am getting great care at home, Trev and the kids are amazing.  And just let the record show that the snack boy at home is way hotter than the one at the hostpital! Trevor did have to leave to go pick up Isaac around 2, but Trudy came over and spent the rest of the day taking care of me and Emma and Ellie.  It was so weird, I think I took 4-5 baths that day, I just could not get warm when I got those chills. 

Anyways, I went in to the doctor Monday and it turns out they think I have a viral infection.  Which is GREAT because I take that to mean that chemo won't always feel like this.  I'm much more succeptible to catching any little sickness that's floating around now, what with my suppressed immune system.  So even though things are hard right now, I can look forward to my future treatments w/out dread, because this isn't going to happen each and every time.  The doctors tell me to treat myself like a newborn baby.  Wear diapers, and drink lots of milk.  No, wait, I think they mean to say don't let sick people come around me.  I WILL catch the sickness, so I need to be careful.  Hand washing, sanitizer, clean environment...

Today is Tuesday and definitely was better than yesterday, which was better than the day before.  Here's to hoping tomorrow's better, too!  I am so thankful for the selfless service that I recieve on a daily basis these days.  Susan spent the whole day up here, having left her own kids w/ Guiellermo on his 1 day off.  Two friends were here this morning cleaning my house top to bottom, and a delicious meal was promptly delivered right at dinner time.  As has been the case day by day for the last several weeks. 

One more thing: This coming Saturday we're having a HEAD SHAVING PARTY!!  So, if you dare, come check out the action.  You can shave, go pink, do a pink streak, or just come and have fun watching...  The grand event will start at 7:30 pm at this address: (not my house) 3833 168th NE Arlington WA 98223.  It is Northwest Children's School, my friend offered to host it there so I wouldn't have to clean my house or stress in any way.  I think it will be nicer to shave the head surrounded by love and support rather than cryin' in the shower alone one day while clumps fall out. 

Sorry 'bout the long post.  But nobody made you read. ;)

Today was my very first day of chemo and it FELT GREAT!!  I've been waiting for this day for almost 4 weeks, the day I get to start kicking cancer's you-know-what.  So, this morning at 9 my girl friend Sarah picked me up, we dropped off the girls at Cyndi's, and headed off down to the hostpital.  They have this really huge long room with wall to wall windows and full of comfy recliners.  WiFi, a hot "snack boy" that comes around with a basket of granola bars and handi-snacks, a fridge full of pop and juice and the hostpital cafetereria just a few minutes away!  Is it any wonder to any of you that I'm most excited about being fed?  Oh, the other thing I forgot to mention: they stuck a needle in to the little port up on my chest and dripped drugs in to me for 5 hours.  What you see in the picture here is the big sticky cover they put over the needle, so it wouldn't get jostled around during the treatment.  I was able to walk around, go to the bathroom, etc because it was all very secure.  The pole to my right was on wheels so I just pulled it right around with me and it just drip drip dripped away.  My nurse was really nice, and me and Sarah just laughed and talked about everything from fruit flies to motorcycles to husbands.  Can't complain, it was a great day.

After chemo was over, Sarah dropped me off at my surgeon's office, and Trevor drove down to meet me for a follow up appointment.  Everything is healing nicely, I have a 2 inch incision in my armpit that is healing up from where they removed my 2 nodes, and the spots on my chest where they inserted my port are looking good too.  It is weird, honestly, that I have a little bump there now, but I think most of my shirts would cover it.  We asked Dr. Soriano a TON of questions and he did a really good job explaining everything to us.  We really like him, he takes a long time with us and is never rushed to get on to the next appointment.  We were in there for over an hour, he's great.  We feel really great about the care I'm recieving.

We are still so thankful for the outpouring of love from so many of you.  I have taken a lot of time to pray and reflect on our "new normal" and I have no doubt that this cancer situation will only serve to make our family stronger and build our relationships with eachother, our friends and family, and especially our Savior.  I know God has a plan for each of us and this trial is no accident.  It is a step in our progression to be more like Him.  As I have been the recipient of many many acts of service, I have grown to appreciate the Savior's love because I know you are acting as His hands in my family's lives.  Thank you thank you!  I definitely have a hard time being the "weak" one needing all the help these days, but I know it won't be forever.

Anyways, I gotta go, we're watching Survivor.  Yes, we still watch that, and yes, we still love it.