Keep on Keepin' on!

I get asked alot now how I'm doing... And my immediate answer is always "Sooo good!"  And it's true, it is really amazing being done w/ most of my treatments.  A couple of days ago at Isaac's cub  scout camp, I remarked to one of the other den leaders that the clouds looked like cotton balls in the sky.  She goes, "Oh, there goes your "appreciation for the small things in life" again!"  I had to laugh, because it's totally true that I see in color now rather than black and white.  So to speak. 

However, what most people don't know is that I broke down in tears alone in my car when I heard on the radio that Sheryl Crow had a brain tumor.  I had the same reaction when I heard about Robin Roberts' blood disorder.  It's not necessarily that I have this big looming fear of death hanging over my head, but I have a big looming fear of ever having to endure chemo again. 

I love it when friends and family are able to speak frankly with me about my hopes and fears.  Pretending that recurrence is not a possibility does not help me move on, or forget about cancer.  All it will do is make me not want to share my true feelings, and that ain't healthy!

So right now, I'm trying to adjust to what I'll call (for lack of a newer fresher term) my new normal.  Now that I look and feel healthy, I try to go about my normal activities until I completely crash and realize I'm not ready yet to do it all.  One of the hardest things for me right now is that in my mind I have a huge stack of IOU's that need to be repaid.  My family was served tirelessly for the past 9+ months, and now that I'm well(er), I want to whip them out and start paying everyone back.  It's soooo hard for me not to do this.  However, the truth is, I still require a couple hours of sleeping each afternoon.  And I can barely keep up with my own family's needs. 

As I read over this, it kind of sounds to me like I'm asking for help again.  But no, it thrills me each day to feel self sufficient(ish).  Seriously.  My heart flutters a little whenever I think about cooking a yummy meal, or vacuming and tidying a room all by myself.  It feels amazing to be able to do beads with the girls, or help w/ Isaac's cub camp.  I am so happy I had help when I needed it, but I LOVE being able to do it myself.

Anyways, I'm signing off for now... thanks for all the love and support, I am sooo blessed.

Amazing 5K / Carnival in Auburn (post #1)

Holy cow, I am still just on a high from the amazing weekend we just had!  Where do I even start?  Well, several months ago, my dear friend Emily Stevens told me that she wanted to plan a 5K fundraiser to help our family with the medical bills.  I imagined at the time about a dozen people from her ward getting together running through the streets of Auburn.  I had NO IDEA what it was going to turn into!  Emily enlisted Amber, Candi and Wendy to help her plan not only a 5K, but a full on barbeque and carnival too!  They called around to secure donations and an actual sponser of the event (Thanks MOLEN ORTHODONTICS!).  I seriously think it was my mad dancing skills at homecoming Junior year that secured that one, but who knows? But I do know the event was well funded and turned out to be so fun and memorable for all of us. 

When we showed up to the Game Farm Park in Auburn Saturday morning, it was drizzling.  Then it started pouring.  We had rented out the ampitheater area, and were setting up tents around the perimeter for the different carnival attractions.  We were trying to keep positive as we were setting up, but it was hard to not huddle under the pop-up tents to stay warm and dry.  WHO FORGOT TO PRAY FOR SUN?! 

But, the weather decided to cooperate after a little while, and ended up being just perfect!  One of the first things I did before anything else was secure myself a sweet balloon hat.  I didn't want the day to go on without everyone being constantly reminded that it was all about me.  So I went over to Bud Little before he even started his balloon art booth and demanded something AMAZING.  You be the judge:

Yeah, that's what I thought.  So then, we all gathered together to do a one mile walk - you know, to make those of us who were not going to run a 5K feel like we did something physical.  And I'm pretty sure all the runners in the crowd needed the warm up.  Oh, and there was some pretty good conversation and catching up that went on during the walk. 

One thing that was pretty trippy for me on this day was the fact that my worlds all collided.  The friends I grew up with meeting the friends that live up in Arlington with me now meeting my Hammond and Mower family relatives meeting friends from when I was in the singles ward.  I hope they all liked eachother.  I was just trying to keep all of my stories straight.  I couldn't remember which people I had told which lies. ;)

Cavin and Tory couldn't contain their excitement!  I'm pretty sure they ran the 5K like this, too.

After the walk, the 5K commenced. 

Here, Em is outlining the rules of the race:  No drafting, No cutting, No speedwalking, No coloring your hair any unnatural colors...

I heard that my brother in law Ryan drafted behind Tory pretty much the whole time.  I guess here's proof!

As far as the actual 5K goes, I'll admit, I kind of played the "cancer card". (Did you guys even know there was a cancer card?)  I REALLY didn't want to walk that far.  And even though I'm sure I could have run it, no prob, I thought I should save my energy for the cake walk.

Speaking of which...

Did I mention there was cake?  Well, there was.  There were a bunch of fun booths that the kids could take their tickets to.  Here they are:

Here's the Balloon Animal/Hat booth.  Emma and Natalie are waiting so patiently.  Karen actually told me she didn't know about Bud's talent until just recently.  She said she fell in love with him all over again.

This is John Jolley doing the "Magic Doodle".  Everyone was loving this: the kids would draw a little doodle on a page, then hand it to John who turned it in to an amazing cartoon.  He is so creative!  Thekids kept running up to me to show what John had turned their doodle in to. 

What? A professional clown?  This party was off the hook!  Yup, that's popcorn, and yes there was cotton candy. 

The bouncy house was definitely a favorite!  Here I am high-fiving one of the cutest little jumpers in there.  Oh, I didn't even realize - it's Emma!  Gosh, she's cute. 

Scott Stevens manned the Lollipop Tree.  The kids were pretty excited to not only get a lollipop, but maybe win a prize.  This is Grant, my nephew, was clearly disappointed to not pull a winner.  Scott seems secretly happy about that though... I'll have to talk to him about that.

Apparently I didn't win a prize either.  I took it worse than Grant did.  Now, I'll tell you about the booth I loved the very most:

This kid was hilarious.  I don't know his name, or the name of his friend who helped him, but they cracked me up.  They'd stand out there shouting for people to come in to their Peep Show, but they wouldn't say what it was.  Well, me and Clint decided to brave it.  I asked the kids if we'd get hurt if we went in there, and they said, "Not if you don't want to!"  What was that supposed to mean?!  We were just laughing so hard.  So, in to the tent we climbed with a couple of other curious kids.  We brought in Clint's dog for protection.  Well, it turns out the Peep Show was quite literal.  Peeps. Dancing Peeps.  And they let you eat one at the end if you wanted to.

Here's where the magic happened.  Amber and Candi did such an awesome job planning and executing the food tents.  My hot dog was luke warm, but other than that, they did great. I kinda think Amber's shirt wasn't bright enough either!  No, really - this was a lot of work and we were very well fed.  Thanks gurlz!  (And the men who helped them...)

Here are some cute pics of a few of the kids who got their faces painted:  This first one is my niece Natalie. She was a kitty cat!

There are a ton more pictures and lots more to talk about, but it's so late and I need to go to bed.  So rather than save this and add to it later (who knows when "later" is going to be?), I'll just leave you with a "to be continued..."  I'll keep you on your toes. 







Bye Bye chemo!

Dare I say it?  I think I'm finally done with chemo!!  I had kind of a false alarm on Monday morning, though.  I woke up early in the morning laying perfectly still doing my usual "week after chemo" mental checklist.  Do I feel nauseated?  No.  Is there any type of weird burning sensation in my chest?  No.  Am I uncomfortable in any way?  No.  Am I hungry?  Yes.  Do I want to see my kids?  Yes.  Do I have enough energy to get out of bed?  Yes.  Tears sprung to my eyes, and I immediately hit my knees and said the most thankful prayer I can ever remember saying.  

Then I got out of bed and saw this on the living room floor:

Now, if you have never received a love note written entirely out of legos, well... I don't know what to tell you.  Trevor is pretty good.  Not just pretty good.  He's been amazing throughout this whole ordeal.  He continues to love me through all my cranky sicky days, and has to pick up a LOT of slack around here.  I'm so lucky. :)

But, dagnabbit, I was still sick.  But now I think I'm better.  What a difference a couple of days makes.  Anyways, I'll spare the talk of how I got sick again, and all the throwing up, and the 4 hour visit to the doctor to get more meds and fluids because of my dehydration.  That's over and done, right?  

I really want to share a little ditty from another cancer survivor's blog that I recently discovered.  It's from chemobabe.com.  She's pretty insightful and has been down the journey I'm on, and it's helpful for me to hear and learn from others' experiences.  I LOVED the following metaphor:

Chemotherapy as a treatment is like walking along and arriving at a great chasm in my path. I can’t see the bottom but am told that I must go forward into the pit if I want to continue on with my life. So I reluctantly slide down into that chemo-hole, not sure what snakes or rats or crags or spiders might hurt me along the way down, not knowing exactly where the bottom lies, whether its made of soft mud or hard concrete. I brace myself for the bottom and, once I hit, I recover some, gather up my strength. Then I scale my way back out, climbing toward light and life, looking to find solid ground again. Arriving back on land, perhaps scarred, scared, weary, and even bitten, I must walk forward again, in order to actively choose my life. Soon I face another chasm, another chemo-hole, which may or may not be like the previous one. In general, I have been told, the pits will get nastier as I progress on this path, but I also learn some crag-avoiding tricks and ways to break my fall. But down I go, and somehow, once again, I must try to find my way out of that darkness, knowing that I will crawl back into the light, only have to sink down again.

The time spent at the bottom of the pit is the hardest. There is a moment of time, after I have landed at the bottom and have had the wind knocked out of me, where I am stunned and confused, not quite able to take anything in. But then I get this fighting feeling and want to scramble out with as much might as I can muster. My coming to usually involves hearing my children’s voices, whether in joy or distress. I resent being sidelined from their lives. As soon as I am able, I feel compelled to get out of the hole, no matter how battered down I have been, if only to hear about their day, brush their hair, or ooo and aaah at their latest art project.

She paints a good picture of what it feels like.  Part of the torture of chemo is that you voluntarily allow the poison to drip in to your body.  It feels so wrong, but you know it has to be done.  And yes, each cycle of chemo was worse than the last.  And I completely resented being "sidelined" from my kids' lives.  I still resent it, but I've come to some cool realizations that are helping with these feelings.    

Let me give you a teeny tiny snapshot of what's been going on around here:  Monday afternoon my parents and Cavin arrived to help me and to take care of the girls while Trevor drove down to pick up Isaac in Centralia.  They cooked, cleaned, read to me, played with the girls, and put them to bed.  They let me nap, bathe, relax and heal.  

Tuesday morning, my friend Leah comes over in the morning.  She makes the kids waffles, then bundles the girls up in snow clothes and walks them home to her house, as she is watching them for me all day.  Enter Elise and Michelle.  They have just battled the snowy roads to come clean my house for me.  I am on the phone with a nurse when they arrive.  The nurse wants me to come in to the hospital right away, the doctor is going to want to see me.  So we send Isaac down to Cindy's house for the day to play, and Trevor drives me to the hospital.  My friends stay at the house and continue deep cleaning, locking up after they finished.  After 4 hours at the hospital, completely exhausted but feeling better, we return to the house to find our driveway/sidewalks have been shoveled for the 2nd day in a row, thanks to Leah's husband.  About 45 minutes later, DeeDee arrives with dinner.  15 minutes after that, the girls come home.  It's now 5pm, and Barby knocks on the door.  She is here to help serve and clean up dinner.  I actually had to call Kim and tell her we wouldn't need her to come over at 7 to help get kids ready for bed, and that we'd take a rain check.

Did I mention this is just a SNAPSHOT?  This is the kind of help our family has been receiving.  We are so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by loving family and friends.  The tears flow freely as I type this, and I'll try to explain:

Have you ever had an assignment at church that you really liked, then just when you were feeling confident and comfortable in your position, you get released from that job and someone else takes over?  Or for those who have gone on missions, do you remember the weird feeling you'd have when you were transferred to another area, and you had to leave behind the people you loved that you were teaching?  These are small ways I believe the Lord is teaching us that this is HIS work, not ours.  We can live our lives serving Him and doing our very best, but no matter how much we try to make it about us, it's not.  He is in charge and we can help Him or not.  

I feel that while I have been "sidelined" so to speak during a small portion of my childrens' childhood, Heavenly Father has been orchestrating things masterfully and has not missed a beat.  My children are being so very well cared for.  My children are HIS work!  I actually feel like I am getting free parenting lessons from all the wonderful women who have been helping me.  I just watch and learn.  My house still gets clean.  We eat lovingly prepared meals.  We are being taken care of.  I'm not saying that I'm being replaced or "transferred", or anything like that.  But I'm coming to realize I shouldn't worry so much and that the Lord is so involved in a very real way.  This doesn't diminish at all the efforts of the friends and family around us.  Quite the opposite.  I feel like they are angels!  Doing the Lord's work.

I do wish I could do my mamma proud and be a good "thank you" note writer right now.  This practice was deeply drilled into me from my childhood.  Not that I was ever perfect at it, but I at least know enough to feel guilty when I don't write one!  I'm sure after reading this, mom will volunteer to come over and help me hammer out a bunch of 'em. :)

30 Days of Gratitude

Now that it's the end of November, I feel it is entirely appropriate that I make a substantial list of things I am thankful for.  What prompted this? You ask.  I was just woken out of dead sleep by a hot flash, am unable to fall back asleep, and had a funny thankful thought.  I will write them in the order they come to me: (definitely the easiest way to write things!)

1. I am THANKFUL for a sweet husband who takes his own clippers and buzzes all the scraggly hairs off my head when my scalp feels like pins and needles.  (Seriously, this was the thought that got the ball rolling here...)
2. I am THANKFUL for warm bubble baths at the end of stressful days.  And thankful that my bathroom fan drowns out the sounds of my children who should be sleeping but are making their own joyful noises.
3. I am THANKFUL that my kids are so very well taken care of by dear friends when I am too sick and weak to do so myself.  I cannot express how thankful I am for this.
4. I am THANKFUL for Burger King original chicken sandwiches.  Trevor woke Isaac up from sleep last night at 10pm to take him down to BK to get munchies.  (I did not know this, I was talking on the phone in my room.) All I knew is that all of a sudden, Trevor was tossing a chicken sandwich on my bed - he hates them, but he knows I love them.  I went out in the living room and the boys were watching TV eating burgers and chicken nuggets like nothing was out of the ordinary!  God love 'em.  Maybe this one should have been"thankful for Trevor", but I already did one for him.  And I know you're thinking that the reason I have insomnia is because of my weird late night binge.  But stop right there, and don't judge me!  I've been sick all week, and now that I'm getting better, if food sounds good, I eat that food.
5. I am THANKFUL for my scriptures.  I've recently rediscovered them and it has been like catching up with an old friend.  I love to read my scriptures and have felt many many flashes of inspiration and guidance from Heavenly Father as I search them.  
6. I am THANKFUL for the way Emma wakes up each morning.  Immediately when she sees me, her face lights up and she yells, "Good morning Mommy!" and usually she runs to me with a hug and kiss.  
7. I am THANKFUL for Isaac's sweet calm spirit.  He is so good with his little sisters and never complains (ok, rarely) when I ask him to help out - which is a lot these days.
8. I am THANKFUL that Ellie gives me her special look still.  I noticed this when she was just a newborn, and she still somehow has the ability to communicate, "Mom, everything is going to be fine" with just a look.  I can't explain it, but that's what she does.
9. I am THANKFUL for good friends and girls night outs.
10. I am THANKFUL that we have a beautiful home that is warm and dry and perfect for our family.  I think about this every time the rain is pelting on the windowpanes.  The storm may rage out there, but my family is safe in here. :)
11. I am THANKFUL for PAVE' bakery in Everett.  They have the best apple cake this side of the Mississippi.  Oh, and those chocolate croissants... heaven!
12. I am THANKFUL for technology.  (didn't Napoleon Dynamite's brother Kip write an inspiring song on the subject?  See, I'm not the only one who likes technology)  Seriously, the internet is such a miraculous tool, though.
13. I am THANKFUL for family.  We live so close to most of our family and get to see everyone on a pretty regular basis.  I am sooo blessed.
14. I am THANKFUL for my bookclub.  There is always yummy food and wonderful conversation.  Just got home, in fact. (Yes, I fell asleep after writing #13, and it wasn't until tonight that I picked up where I left off.)
15. I am THANKFUL for Red Robin and the fact that they give you a free birthday burger during the month of your birthday.  Me and Cindy were able to cash in on our freebies today (last day of the month!)
16. I am THANKFUL that my kids have the best sleeping habits of any kids I know.  They never end up in my bed, they go to bed pretty early, take great naps and wake up relatively late in the morning.
17. I am THANKFUL that I live so close to mountains, the Sound, lakes, and rivers.  I love the Northwest.
18. I am THANKFUL for Christmas music.  And decorations.  And real Christmas trees.
19. I am THANKFUL for good food.  In particular garlic cheesy bread.
20. I am THANKFUL that Trevor works from home.  This comes in handy when I am sick and he can take care of me, but it also comes in handy when I want to go run errands while the girls nap.  It saves us a lot of money that we would spend on gas and wear and tear on cars, and he can be "home" from work whenever I need him.  
21. I am THANKFUL for sunshine.
22. I am THANKFUL for rain.
23. I am THANKFUL I'm almost done w/ my list.  I thought it would be easier to think of 30 things!
24. I am THANKFUL for Biore' Pore Strips, and I just got done using one.  
25. I am THANKFUL that I only have 2 more chemo treatments!  I am oh so excited about that.
26. I am THANKFUL for my favorite TV shows.  Modern Family, The Office, Parenthood, Survivor, New Girl, and ALF.  Haha!  Just kidding about that one.
27. I am THANKFUL for friends and family who come clean my house when I am too fatigued to get everything done.  I can't believe how great everyone has been.
28. I am THANKFUL to be an American and to have been born in to such privileged circumstances.  I have always had opportunities, a comfortable place to live and plenty of food to eat.  
29. I am THANKFUL for yoga pants.
30. I am THANKFUL that my eyebrows and eyelashes have decided to hold tight thus far.  I like that.

Well, did it!  I came up with 30 things!  Hope you enjoyed, now I'm gonna go to bed.

Support groups help me feel supported

During the past week and a half, I had the opportunity to attend 2 very different and wonderful breast cancer support groups.  The first was over a week ago and was held at the Cancer Partnership in Everett.  This is the building that I go to for all of my infusions, and where I will receive radiation when the time comes.  This building is ALL CANCER ALL THE TIME!  You need cancer solutions?  We got 'em!  You need a beanie, here's a closet full!  You need a brochure telling you what foods to eat?  We have an entire room of brochures!  You want to sit in a waiting room full of people that look like death?  No problem!  You want your body poisoned slowly, but not enough to kill you?  We'll do it!  ;)  OK, I digress... I arrived to this group an hour late, because I had the time wrong, but was able to catch the last half hour.  It was really nice.  The facilitator of the group was great (she actually offers free counseling to cancer patients and their families, a service I am excited to explore), they were discussing stress management when I arrived.  The group consisted of about 7 or 8 women, most of which were quite a bit older than me.  There was a gal in her late 40's who had a 7 year old daughter at home, so I felt like we could bond over that commonality (kids at home).  She was so nice and easy to talk to.  I enjoyed hearing how other people dealt with stress and it was so validating to know that yes, it is stressful to go through what we're going through.

The next week (last Wednesday), I attended another support group.  This one was a group called the Young Survivors Coalition.  The group is full of women who were diagnosed with breast cancer in their 20's and 30's.  They meet in Seattle in a building owned by "Gilda's Club", I believe a non-profit organization that supports cancer survivor's and their families.  Anyways, OH MY GOSH!  I LOVED being at this support group.  I felt an instant connection with these girls. I sat down (there were 10-13 people there) in a big over stuffed chair.  There were easy chairs and comfy couches forming a circle, with a pile of blankets in the middle in case you got cold.  They had treats and drinks, the atmosphere was relaxed, and I felt like I related to every person who spoke.  The format was totally loose, we went around the circle and told our stories to each other.  There were so many girls that had my same exact kind of cancer and the same stage.  Some of them were through with treatments, some of us were relatively new.  Some of them had kids, some worked full time, some were students, some were single, we probably had a million differences, but I felt instantly bonded to them because of this huge thing we had in common: Our bodies had turned on us.  (That was how one of the girls put it, and I had been feeling the same way, just hadn't put it in those words.)  Even though I just met these girls, I have been thinking about them a lot over the past several days and I've even been worrying about some of them and am eager to go back and get to know them better.  The only problem with this support group is that it's in Seattle, and it seriously took me 2 1/2 hours to get there battling traffic during rush hour last Wed.  I know it won't always be like that, but it will always be during rush hour, and it will always take longer than the usual hour.  I do plan to go as often as I can, I know it will be immensely therapeutic. 

Anyways, due to a demand from out of town friends and family, I am going to put a couple of pictures of what I look like these days.  Here's one of me and my bald head.  I rarely go in public this way, it is just too cold.  But I ain't ashamed, let's be clear!

I'm not so good with the photo editing right now, otherwise, I woulda cropped it and zoomed in on my shiny scalp.  Now here's a couple of me in my wig.  This is just one of my three wigs.  You'll just have to wait for another day to get pics of the other two.  It'll give you something to look forward to.  The first is when I have it pulled back in a barret...

The next one is when I took the barret out.  Not sure why it turned out so dark...

I don't wear wigs very often because they're not super comfy.  Here's one of me with a scarf.  This is probably my most common look.  We're at Red Robin with the kids and Trevor surprised me with an early anniversary gift:

So my days aren't really full of thinking about and treating my cancer, although you wouldn't know it to read my blog! Me and Emma participate in a preschool coop.  There are 6 little girls in it and we, the moms, rotate being the teachers!  I have arranged the schedule in such a way that my teaching weeks fall on days that I feel good enough to do it.  And it has been so fun for both me and Emma.  She loves her little friends and is learning a lot.  Here are a couple of pictures of that.  This first one is of the girls wearing crowns of leaves.  They were "leaf princesses"!  Ellie and Emma are sitting on the middle couch cushion.

We went out back to pick apples, then used them to make apple stamps.  It was great!

They don't all get along ALL the time.  And they don't all do the cute pose you're trying to get them to do ALL the time.  Bless their hearts! ;)

Now here's one of Isaac and Trevor showing off the 10 pounds of candy that Isaac pulled in!  Now you know what we're gonna stuff the kids' stockings with this year...

Now after you see the next few, you will never again be able to support an argument that we are not fun cool parents:

Now you know you want to jump in to that big pit-o-foam!

This is a place called Absolute Air, we love it.  Just look at Emma's face here. So these are just a few of the things our family has been doing lately... We are trying hard to keep busy and have fun as a family.

This week is a chemo week, so you probably won't hear from me for a little while.  I'm so excited to complete the last half of my chemo treatment!  Woot woot!  Bring it on.  Er, I guess, if you have to.

11/11/11!

Well I would be completely remiss if I neglected to write in my blog on 11/11/11!  A very special day to wish a happy 33rd (yes, 11+11+11=33) b-day to Cindy Glunt.  Now, if I time it just right, I will click "publish post" at exactly 11:11pm.  Oh my gosh am I a dork?

I feel like I'm letting more and more time pass between posting in my blog, but I want to still keep in touch, especially with friends and family that live far away and wonder how I'm doing.  My last chemo infusion was 9 days ago, and I made it through the hard first week, and am starting up with the good 2 weeks.  That's how it goes:  a really hard week followed by 2 pretty good ones.  It's nice that there is a pattern and I can anticipate how I'll feel on any particular date.  Seriously, give me a date and I'll tell you how I'm gonna feel.  Thanksgiving?  I'm gonna feel like crap.  Christmas?   I'm gonna feel amazing.  See, I've already mapped out the holidays.  Black Friday?  Don't even think about it.  I'll be home in the fetal position rocking back and forth.

Last Saturday (3 days after chemo) I went to the Zumba fundraiser my friends held for me in Stanwood.  It was pretty amazing to go see.  To have so many friends there (and lots that I didn't even know) to support me felt so good.  Trevor actually came and did Zumba in a gorilla costume!  It was pretty funny, but he didn't last long in that.  I guess it's pretty warm. :)  Anyways, we stayed for a while, and I tried to Zumba it up as well as I could, but I had zero energy or stamina, and felt pretty embarrassed that I could barely last through a full song without having to go sit.  Sitting and watching became kind of hard, because I kept getting jealous of all the happy healthy dancing bodies in the room, so Trev took me out to lunch.  I was glad I got to go and be there for part of it, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by wonderful people who work so hard to make things easier for me and my family. 

That day (Nov 5th) also was our 6th anniversary!  I can't believe it's been 6 whole years, time flies.  Trev still can't believe he married me with what he calls my "pre-existing condition".  That would be the cancer.  We were told that my cancer is about 7 years old.  This is an estimate based on the size of the largest tumor and the rate the cells divide.  So, technically, I had cancer before I even knew Trevor.  But now he's stuck with me!  (For those that don't know Trevor's sense of humor, don't be worried.  We joke about the "preexisting condition".  He's not insensitive, just funny!) 

So I get a lot of "how are you feeling?" questions and it's really hard to explain the crummy 1st week feeling... It's a little bit like 1st trimester pregnancy because food sounds terrible, but the only way to feel better it to eat sometimes.  This time around, my fingers, tongue and lips are tingly.  My hot flashes come and go just as annoyingly as ever, my taste buds are out of whack- food just doesn't taste right.  And I'm tired a lot.  But guess what?  I've finished 3 chemo infusions, and I only have 3 left.  Soooo... that's freakin' awesome, right?  It feels really amazing to be half done.

Trudy and Susan (with her 2 kiddos Natalie and Gerard) came to take care of me and my kids today.  It was so nice, I was able to get in a little nap, the kids played, me and Trudy took Natalie and Emma for a little walk in the rain (we sang Christmas carols all the way home) and we just relaxed.  Then tomorrow, Mom and Dad will come spend the day up here, since Trevor and Isaac are going to be hunting.  It's nice to get so much help and support.

Anyways, I think the Melatonin is starting to kick in finally.  My mom suggested it since I have a hard time with sleeping these days.  I'm crossing my fingers for a full night's sleep w/ no interruption.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Our fun fall famly photo shoot

I've been meaning to post these and give a big THANK YOU to Angie Earley from A Moment in Time Photography for taking so much time with us, being so patient and capturing these beautiful pictures of my family.  She lives close to Smokey Point and is now taking new clients!  If you're thinking about getting family pictures, call or email her, she's awesome! 206-992-7866  momenttimephoto@gmail.com.

I love this one, we were all cracking up because our friend Aaron Nelson (who's property we used for this shoot) was standing behind Angie making hilarious faces and noises.  I think if you hire Angie, you should consider hiring Aaron too.  Maybe they would do a two-fer-one special... ;)

Awww, we should use this for our wedding announcement photo.  Oh, wait... Never mind.  Too late.

We had lots of fun doing these ones in the tall grass.  The kids were being so cute, and yes, Aaron was helping to make them laugh.  Sometimes he'd run up to them, then jump away just in time for the picture to be taken.  So fun!

I love my girls!  I was just glad everyone was in a good mood.  Angie was so patient with us, and took millions of pics so we could end up with lots of good ones.

Yes, I love my boys too!  I love this piture, as I think it captures a special bond between the two.

Emma is so cute here!  She just looks so happy to be laying there with her mama!

Ellie has the sweetest little features.  She is going to be our little peacemaker, I know it.  She has the ability to express the sentiment, "everything is going to be fine", with just her eyes.  She has been able to do that since she was just a little baby in my arms.

How did I ever get so lucky to be mom to such sweet kiddos?  OK, granted I'm writing this at midnight and they've been tucked in bed for hours and I'm now well rested.  But really, I love them so much and am thankful, so thankful that I get to be their mom. 

Heart Attack!

Have you ever had a heart attack?  I have given many in my lifetime, but for the first time ever, I recieved one tonight.  This is what it looked like:

Now how could this not make me smile?  It was after dinner, I had just woken up from a little nap (herceptin made me sleepy), and there was a ring of the doorbell.  When I opened the door, there was no person in sight, but this is what I saw!  Each heart had a little message on it such as "bald is beautiful", or "we love you"!  One of the hearts said this was love from the Miamaids from the Arlington 1st ward.(Translation for non-mormons: love from the 14-15 year old girls from a congregation of Mormons that meets in Arlington.)  So cute!

So today I went in for my weekly Herceptin drip. They assigned me to a semi-private room, which felt a little weird because there was already an older man and his wife in the tiny room when my friend Kim and I walked in.  I said to him as I sat down, "So what are you in for?" just trying to make light of our obvious chemo-type situations.  His answer was "Life."  It turns out he found out in July that he has metastatic lung cancer.  He just woke up one day and felt a little different, so he went to the doctor.  He's got huge tumors in several of his organs and on his spine.  No cure.  Just treatment.  So sad.  I tried so hard to not cry talking to him but of course the tears welled up.  His wife said that at least he didn't have a lot of regrets and things he wishes he had done.  He lived a full life and had come to grips with what was happening to him.  "It is what it is" she said. 

My own news isn't so grim, though. My chemo is working!!!!!  I can barely even tell I have a tumor in my breast at all anymore.  Dr. Wang, my oncologist, today told me that she could barely feel it either.  It has only been 2 weeks since I started chemo and already HUGE results!  I couldn't be more thrilled.  She told me it's entirely possible there would be no trace of the cancer by the time I have my surgery.  But, yes, the surgery will still take place, in case you were going to ask.  Also, my little tiny hairs on my scalp are starting to fall out.  I guess that's another indication that the chemo is working, right?  I was tweezing my eyebrows this morning, and you know how usually it kind of hurts?   My hairs were just coming right out, no pain.  No resistance.  HIYAH Cancer!

So now it's 2am, and I'm still not tired.  Darn after dinner nap.

The Most ROCKING Head-Shaving Party Ever!!

Oh did we have fun last night! We laughed, we cried, (OK, only I cried), we ate lots of sugary treats and made a big mess of Northwest Children's School. So I've gotten a"head" of myself. I'll start at the beginning.

This is me with hair.  I decided to make a party out of a potentially bummer part of going through cancer:  LOSING HAIR.  We had the party at NW Children's School here in Arlington.  My friend Cathy owns the school and Tari is a teacher there, and they were kind enough to let us completely take over Tari's classroom for the night.  Tari's friends Amanda and Tyler, who work at Salon Chirella, volunteered their time and expertise shaving and providing pink hair extentions to anyone who wanted them.  They did this on Tyler's birthday, which was so kind of them both!

This got a little emotional for me, more than a few tears rolled down my cheeks here. 

It was over pretty quickly, then it was Trudy's turn.

I had maybe a little too much fun giving her a comb-over, and she was such a good sport about it!

Trudy's husband, Jeremy had to help a little too.

Tari getting shaved by Cathy.

Susan is getting her hair chopped for Locks of Love. (Trudy did too, but I don't have a pic)

Well, here are the new and improved Mower Sisters!  I still can't believe this.

Angry at the world.

The 5 bald ladies: Susan, Trudy, Me, Tari, and Jamie.  I felt so SUPPORTED!  I'm glad to not have to gone through this alone.  Doesn't my leg up make it look like we're having fun?!  Always works.

We surprised Tyler with a birthday cake and a loud rousing version of "happy birthday to you!"  I'm sure he was exhausted, but he didn't even pause to eat cake.  Too many heads to shave!

Ellie loves feeling my head!  I was worried that she'd be freaked out about it, but she's ok.  I think she likes it!  Poor baby has an ugly scab on her nose.  Alfy's accident.  Couldn't be helped.

Trevor and Travis getting shaved... Well, almost.  Trev had big plans for his head. 

Well, Isaac surprised us all and requested a mohawk!  He was surrounded by a bunch of his friends who were all doing similar things with their hair.  White trash?  Perhaps.  Fun?  Definitely.  I told Isaac he could wear his mohawk to school ONE time, then it was coming off!  ;) 

Yes, Cavin did it too! It was CRAZY last night.  I had no control over what may or may not have happened.

Trev is thinking to himself, "I don't feel PINK enough".

Now, that's better!

What a fun night it was, and there was so much more going on than I had pictures of.  Almost every woman and girl present got pink streaks dyed in their hair, or had pink extrentions put in.  Most of the men and boys ended up either bald or with some sort of pink mohawk style on top.  Probably a million plates of cookies were consumed.  Most of all it was fun being surrounded by friends and family during such an important night for me.  The doctor told me that before my hair falls out on it's own, my scalp would get tender and feel like I just took out a tight pony tail.  Well, my head felt like that all day on Saturday.  Perhaps a little reassurance that this was the right day to do the hair party?