My PAP moment

I am sitting here alone on my cozy reclining loveseat eating a warm homemade orange cinnamon roll.  A tall cold glass of skim milk is within reach, a couple of pillows prop up my left arm, and my favorite down throw is covering the bottom half of my legs.  Not too hot, not too cold.  The house is silent except for the occasional rumble of Trevor's snore in the next room. (He's getting over a cold - the snore is actually kind of sweet. Probably wouldn't be if it was an all-the-time thing!) To try to sum up how I'm feeling today, a few words came to mind: Content, Happy, Blessed.  Yes, yes, and yes.  But then "Perfectly at Peace" came to mind.  Or, PAP.  I guess you could say I'm feeling pappy. Hmmm...

As many of you know, I had my last radiation appointment on Monday!  Those appointments were daily for 5 1/2 weeks.  The routine was very predictable:  I'd go in, untie my hostpital gown, then lay back with my arms above my head into the mold of myself on the table behind me.  The mold ensured I would be in the same position each time I went in.  Then 2 or 3 radiation therapists surrounded me, put a warm blanket over my legs, and made light chit chat all the while drawing on me w/ markers, and sticking "beacons" on my chest. They'd move the table saying things to eachother like, "moving 4cm inf" and "moving 3cm post".  Sometimes while drawing on my chest, stomach or armpit, one of them would rest their hand on my chin or neck and immediately apologize for touching me there.  I would say, "Seriously, you're going to apoligize for touching my CHIN while you're drawing on my CHEST?!"  Too funny!

Then, once they had me all positioned where they wanted me, they had to put on the brass bolus.  Now, most of you probably have no idea what that is, and I didn't either.  Well, here's a picture of what it looks like:

This is kind of amazing:  I was going to try to explain that the bolus looked like a fancy sequined disco top, but then I decided to go to Google Images instead to show you.  Well the first picture I came across was this one, and it just happens to be a picture of Erin, a friend of mine that I met through YSC!  I pulled it straight from her blog, myfightagainstpink.blogspot.com. Crazy!  She is someone who I look up to in a big way, she's very strong, beautiful and chose the same reconstruction path as me, so I like to ask her questions and find out what it will be like later down the road.  They only put the bolus on my left side, I'm feeling badly for Erin right now, as it looks like she had her entire chest radiated. Ugh. And in case you're wondering, yes, the thing is COLD going on.  They'd always joke that they pulled it out of the freezer just for me! 

Anyways, from what I understand, the bolus tricks the machine into thinking it is your skin.  Then the radiation goes through the bolus and really hits your actual skin with full force.  I guess for someone like me with a tumor that was close to the skin, it helps ensure that the skin gets properly burned.

And burned it is!  My breast and chest are dark pink, but my armpit has turned gray.  The skin is peeling back, so it's all raw under there.  Yuck.  I have to apply a cream called Silvadene to the skin that is broken.  And Radiagel to the skin that is red or pink, but not broken.  I digress.

I think I was explaining what went on during my daily visit to recieve my radiation. 

Taping the bolus in place was usually the part that took the longest.  It had to be situated with no wrinkles or creases, or gaps.  Then, they'd all leave the room, close the 18 inch thick lead door, and watch me on the monitors while the machine radiated me in 3 different areas: my armpit, my breast, and my collarbone area.  For each field, I would hold my breath for 20-30 seconds.  Then the machine moved to the next position, and I'd hold my breath again.  OK, I realize that I'm actually boring myself as I type this.  Moving on...

Remember that PAP moment I was having as I begun this point?  I'm starting to wonder if it was the vicodin talking!  Haha!  My armpit area was hurting earlier, so I popped in a couple of those, and boy am I RELAXED right now... Ahhh...

Well I was planning on filling you all in on the "Courage Night" that I attended last night at the Pan Pacific Hotel in Seattle.  It was so amazing.  I think I'll have to blog about it another time.  I just need to sleep right now.

I love you, my dear friends and family.  I don't know how I could have come through this without the unwavering support and love from each of you.  OK, the vicodin is making me extra sentimental.  I think if I were a drinker, I'd be one of those really lovey dovey drunks.  I lvoe you gsuy sooooo muhc!