I get asked alot now how I'm doing... And my immediate answer is always "Sooo good!" And it's true, it is really amazing being done w/ most of my treatments. A couple of days ago at Isaac's cub scout camp, I remarked to one of the other den leaders that the clouds looked like cotton balls in the sky. She goes, "Oh, there goes your "appreciation for the small things in life" again!" I had to laugh, because it's totally true that I see in color now rather than black and white. So to speak.
However, what most people don't know is that I broke down in tears alone in my car when I heard on the radio that Sheryl Crow had a brain tumor. I had the same reaction when I heard about Robin Roberts' blood disorder. It's not necessarily that I have this big looming fear of death hanging over my head, but I have a big looming fear of ever having to endure chemo again.
I love it when friends and family are able to speak frankly with me about my hopes and fears. Pretending that recurrence is not a possibility does not help me move on, or forget about cancer. All it will do is make me not want to share my true feelings, and that ain't healthy!
So right now, I'm trying to adjust to what I'll call (for lack of a newer fresher term) my new normal. Now that I look and feel healthy, I try to go about my normal activities until I completely crash and realize I'm not ready yet to do it all. One of the hardest things for me right now is that in my mind I have a huge stack of IOU's that need to be repaid. My family was served tirelessly for the past 9+ months, and now that I'm well(er), I want to whip them out and start paying everyone back. It's soooo hard for me not to do this. However, the truth is, I still require a couple hours of sleeping each afternoon. And I can barely keep up with my own family's needs.
As I read over this, it kind of sounds to me like I'm asking for help again. But no, it thrills me each day to feel self sufficient(ish). Seriously. My heart flutters a little whenever I think about cooking a yummy meal, or vacuming and tidying a room all by myself. It feels amazing to be able to do beads with the girls, or help w/ Isaac's cub camp. I am so happy I had help when I needed it, but I LOVE being able to do it myself.
Anyways, I'm signing off for now... thanks for all the love and support, I am sooo blessed.
3 comments:
I am glad you are doing better and taking each as it comes with a positive attitude. I am sure that will help with your healing. Love you!
I am glad you are doing better and taking each as it comes with a positive attitude. I am sure that will help with your healing. Love you!
You don't owe anyone a thing! We know you'd have done the same for us. Keep all your I-O-U's and burn 'em!
xo
Trudles
Post a Comment