- I am THANKFUL for a sweet husband who takes his own clippers and buzzes all the scraggly hairs off my head when my scalp feels like pins and needles. (Seriously, this was the thought that got the ball rolling here...)
- I am THANKFUL for warm bubble baths at the end of stressful days. And thankful that my bathroom fan drowns out the sounds of my children who should be sleeping but are making their own joyful noises.
- I am THANKFUL that my kids are so very well taken care of by dear friends when I am too sick and weak to do so myself. I cannot express how thankful I am for this.
- I am THANKFUL for Burger King original chicken sandwiches. Trevor woke Isaac up from sleep last night at 10pm to take him down to BK to get munchies. (I did not know this, I was talking on the phone in my room.) All I knew is that all of a sudden, Trevor was tossing a chicken sandwich on my bed - he hates them, but he knows I love them. I went out in the living room and the boys were watching TV eating burgers and chicken nuggets like nothing was out of the ordinary! God love 'em. Maybe this one should have been"thankful for Trevor", but I already did one for him. And I know you're thinking that the reason I have insomnia is because of my weird late night binge. But stop right there, and don't judge me! I've been sick all week, and now that I'm getting better, if food sounds good, I eat that food.
- I am THANKFUL for my scriptures. I've recently rediscovered them and it has been like catching up with an old friend. I love to read my scriptures and have felt many many flashes of inspiration and guidance from Heavenly Father as I search them.
- I am THANKFUL for the way Emma wakes up each morning. Immediately when she sees me, her face lights up and she yells, "Good morning Mommy!" and usually she runs to me with a hug and kiss.
- I am THANKFUL for Isaac's sweet calm spirit. He is so good with his little sisters and never complains (ok, rarely) when I ask him to help out - which is a lot these days.
- I am THANKFUL that Ellie gives me her special look still. I noticed this when she was just a newborn, and she still somehow has the ability to communicate, "Mom, everything is going to be fine" with just a look. I can't explain it, but that's what she does.
- I am THANKFUL for good friends and girls night outs.
- I am THANKFUL that we have a beautiful home that is warm and dry and perfect for our family. I think about this every time the rain is pelting on the windowpanes. The storm may rage out there, but my family is safe in here. :)
- I am THANKFUL for PAVE' bakery in Everett. They have the best apple cake this side of the Mississippi. Oh, and those chocolate croissants... heaven!
- I am THANKFUL for technology. (didn't Napoleon Dynamite's brother Kip write an inspiring song on the subject? See, I'm not the only one who likes technology) Seriously, the internet is such a miraculous tool, though.
- I am THANKFUL for family. We live so close to most of our family and get to see everyone on a pretty regular basis. I am sooo blessed.
- I am THANKFUL for my bookclub. There is always yummy food and wonderful conversation. Just got home, in fact. (Yes, I fell asleep after writing #13, and it wasn't until tonight that I picked up where I left off.)
- I am THANKFUL for Red Robin and the fact that they give you a free birthday burger during the month of your birthday. Me and Cindy were able to cash in on our freebies today (last day of the month!)
- I am THANKFUL that my kids have the best sleeping habits of any kids I know. They never end up in my bed, they go to bed pretty early, take great naps and wake up relatively late in the morning.
- I am THANKFUL that I live so close to mountains, the Sound, lakes, and rivers. I love the Northwest.
- I am THANKFUL for Christmas music. And decorations. And real Christmas trees.
- I am THANKFUL for good food. In particular garlic cheesy bread.
- I am THANKFUL that Trevor works from home. This comes in handy when I am sick and he can take care of me, but it also comes in handy when I want to go run errands while the girls nap. It saves us a lot of money that we would spend on gas and wear and tear on cars, and he can be "home" from work whenever I need him.
- I am THANKFUL for sunshine.
- I am THANKFUL for rain.
- I am THANKFUL I'm almost done w/ my list. I thought it would be easier to think of 30 things!
- I am THANKFUL for Biore' Pore Strips, and I just got done using one.
- I am THANKFUL that I only have 2 more chemo treatments! I am oh so excited about that.
- I am THANKFUL for my favorite TV shows. Modern Family, The Office, Parenthood, Survivor, New Girl, and ALF. Haha! Just kidding about that one.
- I am THANKFUL for friends and family who come clean my house when I am too fatigued to get everything done. I can't believe how great everyone has been.
- I am THANKFUL to be an American and to have been born in to such privileged circumstances. I have always had opportunities, a comfortable place to live and plenty of food to eat.
- I am THANKFUL for yoga pants.
- I am THANKFUL that my eyebrows and eyelashes have decided to hold tight thus far. I like that.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
30 Days of Gratitude
Now that it's the end of November, I feel it is entirely appropriate that I make a substantial list of things I am thankful for. What prompted this? You ask. I was just woken out of dead sleep by a hot flash, am unable to fall back asleep, and had a funny thankful thought. I will write them in the order they come to me: (definitely the easiest way to write things!)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Support groups help me feel supported
During the past week and a half, I had the opportunity to attend 2 very different and wonderful breast cancer support groups. The first was over a week ago and was held at the Cancer Partnership in Everett. This is the building that I go to for all of my infusions, and where I will receive radiation when the time comes. This building is ALL CANCER ALL THE TIME! You need cancer solutions? We got 'em! You need a beanie, here's a closet full! You need a brochure telling you what foods to eat? We have an entire room of brochures! You want to sit in a waiting room full of people that look like death? No problem! You want your body poisoned slowly, but not enough to kill you? We'll do it! ;) OK, I digress... I arrived to this group an hour late, because I had the time wrong, but was able to catch the last half hour. It was really nice. The facilitator of the group was great (she actually offers free counseling to cancer patients and their families, a service I am excited to explore), they were discussing stress management when I arrived. The group consisted of about 7 or 8 women, most of which were quite a bit older than me. There was a gal in her late 40's who had a 7 year old daughter at home, so I felt like we could bond over that commonality (kids at home). She was so nice and easy to talk to. I enjoyed hearing how other people dealt with stress and it was so validating to know that yes, it is stressful to go through what we're going through.
The next week (last Wednesday), I attended another support group. This one was a group called the Young Survivors Coalition. The group is full of women who were diagnosed with breast cancer in their 20's and 30's. They meet in Seattle in a building owned by "Gilda's Club", I believe a non-profit organization that supports cancer survivor's and their families. Anyways, OH MY GOSH! I LOVED being at this support group. I felt an instant connection with these girls. I sat down (there were 10-13 people there) in a big over stuffed chair. There were easy chairs and comfy couches forming a circle, with a pile of blankets in the middle in case you got cold. They had treats and drinks, the atmosphere was relaxed, and I felt like I related to every person who spoke. The format was totally loose, we went around the circle and told our stories to each other. There were so many girls that had my same exact kind of cancer and the same stage. Some of them were through with treatments, some of us were relatively new. Some of them had kids, some worked full time, some were students, some were single, we probably had a million differences, but I felt instantly bonded to them because of this huge thing we had in common: Our bodies had turned on us. (That was how one of the girls put it, and I had been feeling the same way, just hadn't put it in those words.) Even though I just met these girls, I have been thinking about them a lot over the past several days and I've even been worrying about some of them and am eager to go back and get to know them better. The only problem with this support group is that it's in Seattle, and it seriously took me 2 1/2 hours to get there battling traffic during rush hour last Wed. I know it won't always be like that, but it will always be during rush hour, and it will always take longer than the usual hour. I do plan to go as often as I can, I know it will be immensely therapeutic.
Anyways, due to a demand from out of town friends and family, I am going to put a couple of pictures of what I look like these days. Here's one of me and my bald head. I rarely go in public this way, it is just too cold. But I ain't ashamed, let's be clear!
I'm not so good with the photo editing right now, otherwise, I woulda cropped it and zoomed in on my shiny scalp. Now here's a couple of me in my wig. This is just one of my three wigs. You'll just have to wait for another day to get pics of the other two. It'll give you something to look forward to. The first is when I have it pulled back in a barret...
The next one is when I took the barret out. Not sure why it turned out so dark...
I don't wear wigs very often because they're not super comfy. Here's one of me with a scarf. This is probably my most common look. We're at Red Robin with the kids and Trevor surprised me with an early anniversary gift:
So my days aren't really full of thinking about and treating my cancer, although you wouldn't know it to read my blog! Me and Emma participate in a preschool coop. There are 6 little girls in it and we, the moms, rotate being the teachers! I have arranged the schedule in such a way that my teaching weeks fall on days that I feel good enough to do it. And it has been so fun for both me and Emma. She loves her little friends and is learning a lot. Here are a couple of pictures of that. This first one is of the girls wearing crowns of leaves. They were "leaf princesses"! Ellie and Emma are sitting on the middle couch cushion.
We went out back to pick apples, then used them to make apple stamps. It was great!
They don't all get along ALL the time. And they don't all do the cute pose you're trying to get them to do ALL the time. Bless their hearts! ;)
Now here's one of Isaac and Trevor showing off the 10 pounds of candy that Isaac pulled in! Now you know what we're gonna stuff the kids' stockings with this year...
Now after you see the next few, you will never again be able to support an argument that we are not fun cool parents:
Now you know you want to jump in to that big pit-o-foam!
This is a place called Absolute Air, we love it. Just look at Emma's face here. So these are just a few of the things our family has been doing lately... We are trying hard to keep busy and have fun as a family.
This week is a chemo week, so you probably won't hear from me for a little while. I'm so excited to complete the last half of my chemo treatment! Woot woot! Bring it on. Er, I guess, if you have to.
The next week (last Wednesday), I attended another support group. This one was a group called the Young Survivors Coalition. The group is full of women who were diagnosed with breast cancer in their 20's and 30's. They meet in Seattle in a building owned by "Gilda's Club", I believe a non-profit organization that supports cancer survivor's and their families. Anyways, OH MY GOSH! I LOVED being at this support group. I felt an instant connection with these girls. I sat down (there were 10-13 people there) in a big over stuffed chair. There were easy chairs and comfy couches forming a circle, with a pile of blankets in the middle in case you got cold. They had treats and drinks, the atmosphere was relaxed, and I felt like I related to every person who spoke. The format was totally loose, we went around the circle and told our stories to each other. There were so many girls that had my same exact kind of cancer and the same stage. Some of them were through with treatments, some of us were relatively new. Some of them had kids, some worked full time, some were students, some were single, we probably had a million differences, but I felt instantly bonded to them because of this huge thing we had in common: Our bodies had turned on us. (That was how one of the girls put it, and I had been feeling the same way, just hadn't put it in those words.) Even though I just met these girls, I have been thinking about them a lot over the past several days and I've even been worrying about some of them and am eager to go back and get to know them better. The only problem with this support group is that it's in Seattle, and it seriously took me 2 1/2 hours to get there battling traffic during rush hour last Wed. I know it won't always be like that, but it will always be during rush hour, and it will always take longer than the usual hour. I do plan to go as often as I can, I know it will be immensely therapeutic.
Anyways, due to a demand from out of town friends and family, I am going to put a couple of pictures of what I look like these days. Here's one of me and my bald head. I rarely go in public this way, it is just too cold. But I ain't ashamed, let's be clear!
I'm not so good with the photo editing right now, otherwise, I woulda cropped it and zoomed in on my shiny scalp. Now here's a couple of me in my wig. This is just one of my three wigs. You'll just have to wait for another day to get pics of the other two. It'll give you something to look forward to. The first is when I have it pulled back in a barret...
The next one is when I took the barret out. Not sure why it turned out so dark...
I don't wear wigs very often because they're not super comfy. Here's one of me with a scarf. This is probably my most common look. We're at Red Robin with the kids and Trevor surprised me with an early anniversary gift:
So my days aren't really full of thinking about and treating my cancer, although you wouldn't know it to read my blog! Me and Emma participate in a preschool coop. There are 6 little girls in it and we, the moms, rotate being the teachers! I have arranged the schedule in such a way that my teaching weeks fall on days that I feel good enough to do it. And it has been so fun for both me and Emma. She loves her little friends and is learning a lot. Here are a couple of pictures of that. This first one is of the girls wearing crowns of leaves. They were "leaf princesses"! Ellie and Emma are sitting on the middle couch cushion.
We went out back to pick apples, then used them to make apple stamps. It was great!
They don't all get along ALL the time. And they don't all do the cute pose you're trying to get them to do ALL the time. Bless their hearts! ;)
Now here's one of Isaac and Trevor showing off the 10 pounds of candy that Isaac pulled in! Now you know what we're gonna stuff the kids' stockings with this year...
Now after you see the next few, you will never again be able to support an argument that we are not fun cool parents:
Now you know you want to jump in to that big pit-o-foam!
This is a place called Absolute Air, we love it. Just look at Emma's face here. So these are just a few of the things our family has been doing lately... We are trying hard to keep busy and have fun as a family.
This week is a chemo week, so you probably won't hear from me for a little while. I'm so excited to complete the last half of my chemo treatment! Woot woot! Bring it on. Er, I guess, if you have to.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11/11/11!
Well I would be completely remiss if I neglected to write in my blog on 11/11/11! A very special day to wish a happy 33rd (yes, 11+11+11=33) b-day to Cindy Glunt. Now, if I time it just right, I will click "publish post" at exactly 11:11pm. Oh my gosh am I a dork?
I feel like I'm letting more and more time pass between posting in my blog, but I want to still keep in touch, especially with friends and family that live far away and wonder how I'm doing. My last chemo infusion was 9 days ago, and I made it through the hard first week, and am starting up with the good 2 weeks. That's how it goes: a really hard week followed by 2 pretty good ones. It's nice that there is a pattern and I can anticipate how I'll feel on any particular date. Seriously, give me a date and I'll tell you how I'm gonna feel. Thanksgiving? I'm gonna feel like crap. Christmas? I'm gonna feel amazing. See, I've already mapped out the holidays. Black Friday? Don't even think about it. I'll be home in the fetal position rocking back and forth.
Last Saturday (3 days after chemo) I went to the Zumba fundraiser my friends held for me in Stanwood. It was pretty amazing to go see. To have so many friends there (and lots that I didn't even know) to support me felt so good. Trevor actually came and did Zumba in a gorilla costume! It was pretty funny, but he didn't last long in that. I guess it's pretty warm. :) Anyways, we stayed for a while, and I tried to Zumba it up as well as I could, but I had zero energy or stamina, and felt pretty embarrassed that I could barely last through a full song without having to go sit. Sitting and watching became kind of hard, because I kept getting jealous of all the happy healthy dancing bodies in the room, so Trev took me out to lunch. I was glad I got to go and be there for part of it, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by wonderful people who work so hard to make things easier for me and my family.
That day (Nov 5th) also was our 6th anniversary! I can't believe it's been 6 whole years, time flies. Trev still can't believe he married me with what he calls my "pre-existing condition". That would be the cancer. We were told that my cancer is about 7 years old. This is an estimate based on the size of the largest tumor and the rate the cells divide. So, technically, I had cancer before I even knew Trevor. But now he's stuck with me! (For those that don't know Trevor's sense of humor, don't be worried. We joke about the "preexisting condition". He's not insensitive, just funny!)
So I get a lot of "how are you feeling?" questions and it's really hard to explain the crummy 1st week feeling... It's a little bit like 1st trimester pregnancy because food sounds terrible, but the only way to feel better it to eat sometimes. This time around, my fingers, tongue and lips are tingly. My hot flashes come and go just as annoyingly as ever, my taste buds are out of whack- food just doesn't taste right. And I'm tired a lot. But guess what? I've finished 3 chemo infusions, and I only have 3 left. Soooo... that's freakin' awesome, right? It feels really amazing to be half done.
Trudy and Susan (with her 2 kiddos Natalie and Gerard) came to take care of me and my kids today. It was so nice, I was able to get in a little nap, the kids played, me and Trudy took Natalie and Emma for a little walk in the rain (we sang Christmas carols all the way home) and we just relaxed. Then tomorrow, Mom and Dad will come spend the day up here, since Trevor and Isaac are going to be hunting. It's nice to get so much help and support.
Anyways, I think the Melatonin is starting to kick in finally. My mom suggested it since I have a hard time with sleeping these days. I'm crossing my fingers for a full night's sleep w/ no interruption.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I feel like I'm letting more and more time pass between posting in my blog, but I want to still keep in touch, especially with friends and family that live far away and wonder how I'm doing. My last chemo infusion was 9 days ago, and I made it through the hard first week, and am starting up with the good 2 weeks. That's how it goes: a really hard week followed by 2 pretty good ones. It's nice that there is a pattern and I can anticipate how I'll feel on any particular date. Seriously, give me a date and I'll tell you how I'm gonna feel. Thanksgiving? I'm gonna feel like crap. Christmas? I'm gonna feel amazing. See, I've already mapped out the holidays. Black Friday? Don't even think about it. I'll be home in the fetal position rocking back and forth.
Last Saturday (3 days after chemo) I went to the Zumba fundraiser my friends held for me in Stanwood. It was pretty amazing to go see. To have so many friends there (and lots that I didn't even know) to support me felt so good. Trevor actually came and did Zumba in a gorilla costume! It was pretty funny, but he didn't last long in that. I guess it's pretty warm. :) Anyways, we stayed for a while, and I tried to Zumba it up as well as I could, but I had zero energy or stamina, and felt pretty embarrassed that I could barely last through a full song without having to go sit. Sitting and watching became kind of hard, because I kept getting jealous of all the happy healthy dancing bodies in the room, so Trev took me out to lunch. I was glad I got to go and be there for part of it, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by wonderful people who work so hard to make things easier for me and my family.
That day (Nov 5th) also was our 6th anniversary! I can't believe it's been 6 whole years, time flies. Trev still can't believe he married me with what he calls my "pre-existing condition". That would be the cancer. We were told that my cancer is about 7 years old. This is an estimate based on the size of the largest tumor and the rate the cells divide. So, technically, I had cancer before I even knew Trevor. But now he's stuck with me! (For those that don't know Trevor's sense of humor, don't be worried. We joke about the "preexisting condition". He's not insensitive, just funny!)
So I get a lot of "how are you feeling?" questions and it's really hard to explain the crummy 1st week feeling... It's a little bit like 1st trimester pregnancy because food sounds terrible, but the only way to feel better it to eat sometimes. This time around, my fingers, tongue and lips are tingly. My hot flashes come and go just as annoyingly as ever, my taste buds are out of whack- food just doesn't taste right. And I'm tired a lot. But guess what? I've finished 3 chemo infusions, and I only have 3 left. Soooo... that's freakin' awesome, right? It feels really amazing to be half done.
Trudy and Susan (with her 2 kiddos Natalie and Gerard) came to take care of me and my kids today. It was so nice, I was able to get in a little nap, the kids played, me and Trudy took Natalie and Emma for a little walk in the rain (we sang Christmas carols all the way home) and we just relaxed. Then tomorrow, Mom and Dad will come spend the day up here, since Trevor and Isaac are going to be hunting. It's nice to get so much help and support.
Anyways, I think the Melatonin is starting to kick in finally. My mom suggested it since I have a hard time with sleeping these days. I'm crossing my fingers for a full night's sleep w/ no interruption.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Ups and downs
You know, I've had good days and I've had bad days. Isn't that what life is all about? Experiencing both joy and pain, sickness and health, ups and downs? This is how we learn, grow and progress. I know this. I understand that we need to go through the miserable times to help us better appreciate the great times, and I'm glad for that perspective, but sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself! ;)
That's where I was last week: feeling very, very VERY sorry for myself. Let me tell you something about going through menopause. It ain't fun. It messes with your mind, emotions, sleep patterns, internal thermometer... I was either in tears or on the verge the entire week. Not to mention the other stuff chemo does to me: constipation, changed taste buds, my mouth feeling "weird", headaches, and the ever present fatigue. BUT my symptoms and moods are kind of predictable, and I remember to tell myself that it's all temporary and it's the chemo's fault. Not Trevor's. Not the kids'.
I did a lot of reading that week. Reading of other people's cancer experiences. I read a really good article by a woman who was about my age and went through cancer treatments in 2010. She's about my age and kept a detailed journal throughout her treatments and compiled some of her thoughts in to an article. It was so VALIDATING for me to read her words. I identified with so many of her feelings. For example, she cried when the nurse inserted the needle for the IV. I totally do that! Every single time I get poked with a needle, whether it's in my port, arm, or butt, a single tear trickles down my face. I hate it. Needles never bothered me before, but I hate them now. Hate. Another thing she put in to words for me is this:
"I thought having fatigue, as the doctor referred to it, meant I'd be out like a light. Nope. In fact, actual sleep is elusive. Fatigue means curling up under a blanket without moving. For hours. My mind is usually racing, but my body is perfectly still."
Then she goes on to say that her parents convinced her to move back in with them (she was engaged, no kids) for the duration of cancer treatments. She does this and is able to be taken care of by them, rarely leaving their home except when she goes to the city for her chemo treatments. I have to admit that made me REALLY jealous. Not that I don't love my kids. I mean come on, have you even seen our family photos? They are adorable. I CLEARLY love my kids. But to be able to "curl up under a blanket without moving for hours" and give in to the fatigue sometimes sounds nice.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/article.aspx?cp-documentid=30982257&OCID=LIKE
OK, apparently I don't know how to insert a link into a blog, but if you want to read it, you may copy and paste! I really could go on forever about the things she writes about that strike a major nerve in me. I wanted to find her email address so I could send her an email and thank her for sharing her journal with the world. It was truly therapeutic to read and was a factor in my decision to find a good support group of young breast cancer survivors to join.
So anyways, it's not all so terrible all the time. Really, it's not. It's that first full week after a chemo treatment that's a doozy. Then the next 2 weeks are better. Seriously better. Like, I'm almost a normal person. In fact I just got home from a Zumba party!
It just happened to be a Party in Pink-a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. It was a blast! It was my first time doing Zumba in a club type setting, and I loved it. I just wish I could have kept up a little better. I have very little energy or stamina right now, but I did the best I could. Trevor even came and shook it with the rest of us! Well, he's still not sure if Zumba is his "thing", but I think he did awesome. My friend Jamie was one of the instructors there and she had asked me ahead of time if I could say a few words to the group to help them understand the importance of breast cancer research. When I got up on the stage, they all clapped and cheered for me before I even said a word. (It was the bald head that tipped them off that I was a cancer survivor-either that, or they could see my port under my baggy pink t-shirt. No, it was the bald head for sure!) I told them my story, specifically how I came to be diagnosed, and how treatments are going. They laughed, they cried, they cheered lots for me (where were they all last week when I was crying in my bathtub? I coulda used some cheers then!) and I made sure I put in a nice plug for the NEXT Zumba fundraiser that was being held next weekend for... ahem... me.
Yes, my dear fundraising friends are at it again and I couldn't love them more for it! Next Saturday, November 5th, from 11:00am to 12:30pm in Stanwood. I am so very thankful for those that spend so much time and energy raising money for us during this time. I cannot express how much it means to us.
Well I need to go catch some ZZZZ's now. Tomorrow morning (9am) is the children's primary program at church and we can't be late!
That's where I was last week: feeling very, very VERY sorry for myself. Let me tell you something about going through menopause. It ain't fun. It messes with your mind, emotions, sleep patterns, internal thermometer... I was either in tears or on the verge the entire week. Not to mention the other stuff chemo does to me: constipation, changed taste buds, my mouth feeling "weird", headaches, and the ever present fatigue. BUT my symptoms and moods are kind of predictable, and I remember to tell myself that it's all temporary and it's the chemo's fault. Not Trevor's. Not the kids'.
I did a lot of reading that week. Reading of other people's cancer experiences. I read a really good article by a woman who was about my age and went through cancer treatments in 2010. She's about my age and kept a detailed journal throughout her treatments and compiled some of her thoughts in to an article. It was so VALIDATING for me to read her words. I identified with so many of her feelings. For example, she cried when the nurse inserted the needle for the IV. I totally do that! Every single time I get poked with a needle, whether it's in my port, arm, or butt, a single tear trickles down my face. I hate it. Needles never bothered me before, but I hate them now. Hate. Another thing she put in to words for me is this:
"I thought having fatigue, as the doctor referred to it, meant I'd be out like a light. Nope. In fact, actual sleep is elusive. Fatigue means curling up under a blanket without moving. For hours. My mind is usually racing, but my body is perfectly still."
Then she goes on to say that her parents convinced her to move back in with them (she was engaged, no kids) for the duration of cancer treatments. She does this and is able to be taken care of by them, rarely leaving their home except when she goes to the city for her chemo treatments. I have to admit that made me REALLY jealous. Not that I don't love my kids. I mean come on, have you even seen our family photos? They are adorable. I CLEARLY love my kids. But to be able to "curl up under a blanket without moving for hours" and give in to the fatigue sometimes sounds nice.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/article.aspx?cp-documentid=30982257&OCID=LIKE
OK, apparently I don't know how to insert a link into a blog, but if you want to read it, you may copy and paste! I really could go on forever about the things she writes about that strike a major nerve in me. I wanted to find her email address so I could send her an email and thank her for sharing her journal with the world. It was truly therapeutic to read and was a factor in my decision to find a good support group of young breast cancer survivors to join.
So anyways, it's not all so terrible all the time. Really, it's not. It's that first full week after a chemo treatment that's a doozy. Then the next 2 weeks are better. Seriously better. Like, I'm almost a normal person. In fact I just got home from a Zumba party!
It just happened to be a Party in Pink-a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. It was a blast! It was my first time doing Zumba in a club type setting, and I loved it. I just wish I could have kept up a little better. I have very little energy or stamina right now, but I did the best I could. Trevor even came and shook it with the rest of us! Well, he's still not sure if Zumba is his "thing", but I think he did awesome. My friend Jamie was one of the instructors there and she had asked me ahead of time if I could say a few words to the group to help them understand the importance of breast cancer research. When I got up on the stage, they all clapped and cheered for me before I even said a word. (It was the bald head that tipped them off that I was a cancer survivor-either that, or they could see my port under my baggy pink t-shirt. No, it was the bald head for sure!) I told them my story, specifically how I came to be diagnosed, and how treatments are going. They laughed, they cried, they cheered lots for me (where were they all last week when I was crying in my bathtub? I coulda used some cheers then!) and I made sure I put in a nice plug for the NEXT Zumba fundraiser that was being held next weekend for... ahem... me.
Yes, my dear fundraising friends are at it again and I couldn't love them more for it! Next Saturday, November 5th, from 11:00am to 12:30pm in Stanwood. I am so very thankful for those that spend so much time and energy raising money for us during this time. I cannot express how much it means to us.
Well I need to go catch some ZZZZ's now. Tomorrow morning (9am) is the children's primary program at church and we can't be late!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Chemo - cycle 2, here we go!
It's been a while since I updated this blog, I hope you didn't miss me too much! Here's what's been going on: Last Sunday and Monday, my hair started really falling out like crazy. I know it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone but me, but before it was my choice that it was shaved, and it was still a little dark and thick and healthy, now it is all patchy and thin and sickly looking. And for some reason now my scalp is more sensitive, kind of like needles pricking if I press down on my hair. I know, I know, it means the chemo is doing it's job to kill those fast growing cells - but I still hate the way it looks right now. I have given myself some new beauty rules: earings and lipstick everyday! Even when I'm not going anywhere. It helps when I pass by a mirror to not feel so ugly.
Monday we met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. Not sure what to say about that visit. Because I'm going to go through radiation after the mastectomy, the skin on my chest will be pretty damaged, so they will actually have to pull skin from another area of my body and attach it to my chest to stretch for the reconstruction. The doctor gave his 2 preferences: My abs or my back. So I'm going to set up an online poll for you to cast your vote. Haha, just kidding. I can't even believe I'm adding this paragraph to my blog, but I'll just blame it on chemo brain. (Yes, it's true. They say chemo makes you a little fuzzy in the brain sometimes.)
Speaking of chemo, Wednesday was my second time to recieve my chemo treatment. If you remember, I go in every 3 weeks for chemo, but every single Wednesday in between I go in for just mone drug, which is Herceptin - my super amazing drug that knows how to specifically target these little receptors on my cancerous cells. I think it's part of the reason my cancer is being so affected my treatments. That and all the prayers and fasts going up on my behalf. Anyways, so my sister Susan took to me this time and we had lots of fun playing card games and eating yummy hostpital cafeteria food. I wouldn't recommend the zucchini/squash side dish though. It sounded great, but it was terrible. Hmmm.
Anyways, the infusion room is a big long room lined by windows that is sectioned off (really just by the arrangement of the reclining chairs we sit in). Each nurse is assigned to a section of 4 patients kind of the way restaurants are divided into sections for the servers to work in. There was a lady sitting across from my in my section, who I think looked a little to smug, but I found out why when all the nurses surrounded her and announced to the whole room that she was finishing up her very last chemo treatment that day! We all cheered and clapped for her, then I had a most unexpected reaction: tears of jealousy. I was soooo jeaous! (and I was kidding about the smug looks she was giving by the way.) I just wanted to be in her shoes so badly, but there I was just beginning my chemo treatment. Poor me. Wah wah.
So now it's Friday, I've been feeling pretty good, just very TIRED this time around. They say the symptoms are cyclical, so each cycle of chemo will be much like the last - except for the fatigue, which gets worse and worse each time. I'm supposed to remain as active as I can, otherwise teh fatigue really gets worse. So I've taken the kids swimming at the YMCA, I took the girls for a walk yesterday - it was such a pretty day we had to get outside and I'm sure we'll find something active to do today. But I'm also able to keep getting lots of rest. It's been nice because we've had dinners brought in the past couple nights from people in the ward so I don't have to worry about that kind of thing right now. And I'm taking naps in the afternoons when I put down the girls. I love that they both take naps still and I am able to have that time to myself. LIFE IS GOOD. At least that's what the plaque in my living room says. :)
Monday we met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. Not sure what to say about that visit. Because I'm going to go through radiation after the mastectomy, the skin on my chest will be pretty damaged, so they will actually have to pull skin from another area of my body and attach it to my chest to stretch for the reconstruction. The doctor gave his 2 preferences: My abs or my back. So I'm going to set up an online poll for you to cast your vote. Haha, just kidding. I can't even believe I'm adding this paragraph to my blog, but I'll just blame it on chemo brain. (Yes, it's true. They say chemo makes you a little fuzzy in the brain sometimes.)
Speaking of chemo, Wednesday was my second time to recieve my chemo treatment. If you remember, I go in every 3 weeks for chemo, but every single Wednesday in between I go in for just mone drug, which is Herceptin - my super amazing drug that knows how to specifically target these little receptors on my cancerous cells. I think it's part of the reason my cancer is being so affected my treatments. That and all the prayers and fasts going up on my behalf. Anyways, so my sister Susan took to me this time and we had lots of fun playing card games and eating yummy hostpital cafeteria food. I wouldn't recommend the zucchini/squash side dish though. It sounded great, but it was terrible. Hmmm.
Anyways, the infusion room is a big long room lined by windows that is sectioned off (really just by the arrangement of the reclining chairs we sit in). Each nurse is assigned to a section of 4 patients kind of the way restaurants are divided into sections for the servers to work in. There was a lady sitting across from my in my section, who I think looked a little to smug, but I found out why when all the nurses surrounded her and announced to the whole room that she was finishing up her very last chemo treatment that day! We all cheered and clapped for her, then I had a most unexpected reaction: tears of jealousy. I was soooo jeaous! (and I was kidding about the smug looks she was giving by the way.) I just wanted to be in her shoes so badly, but there I was just beginning my chemo treatment. Poor me. Wah wah.
So now it's Friday, I've been feeling pretty good, just very TIRED this time around. They say the symptoms are cyclical, so each cycle of chemo will be much like the last - except for the fatigue, which gets worse and worse each time. I'm supposed to remain as active as I can, otherwise teh fatigue really gets worse. So I've taken the kids swimming at the YMCA, I took the girls for a walk yesterday - it was such a pretty day we had to get outside and I'm sure we'll find something active to do today. But I'm also able to keep getting lots of rest. It's been nice because we've had dinners brought in the past couple nights from people in the ward so I don't have to worry about that kind of thing right now. And I'm taking naps in the afternoons when I put down the girls. I love that they both take naps still and I am able to have that time to myself. LIFE IS GOOD. At least that's what the plaque in my living room says. :)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Our fun fall famly photo shoot
I've been meaning to post these and give a big THANK YOU to Angie Earley from A Moment in Time Photography for taking so much time with us, being so patient and capturing these beautiful pictures of my family. She lives close to Smokey Point and is now taking new clients! If you're thinking about getting family pictures, call or email her, she's awesome! 206-992-7866 momenttimephoto@gmail.com.
I love this one, we were all cracking up because our friend Aaron Nelson (who's property we used for this shoot) was standing behind Angie making hilarious faces and noises. I think if you hire Angie, you should consider hiring Aaron too. Maybe they would do a two-fer-one special... ;)
Awww, we should use this for our wedding announcement photo. Oh, wait... Never mind. Too late.
We had lots of fun doing these ones in the tall grass. The kids were being so cute, and yes, Aaron was helping to make them laugh. Sometimes he'd run up to them, then jump away just in time for the picture to be taken. So fun!
I love my girls! I was just glad everyone was in a good mood. Angie was so patient with us, and took millions of pics so we could end up with lots of good ones.
Yes, I love my boys too! I love this piture, as I think it captures a special bond between the two.
Emma is so cute here! She just looks so happy to be laying there with her mama!
Ellie has the sweetest little features. She is going to be our little peacemaker, I know it. She has the ability to express the sentiment, "everything is going to be fine", with just her eyes. She has been able to do that since she was just a little baby in my arms.
How did I ever get so lucky to be mom to such sweet kiddos? OK, granted I'm writing this at midnight and they've been tucked in bed for hours and I'm now well rested. But really, I love them so much and am thankful, so thankful that I get to be their mom.
I love this one, we were all cracking up because our friend Aaron Nelson (who's property we used for this shoot) was standing behind Angie making hilarious faces and noises. I think if you hire Angie, you should consider hiring Aaron too. Maybe they would do a two-fer-one special... ;)
Awww, we should use this for our wedding announcement photo. Oh, wait... Never mind. Too late.
We had lots of fun doing these ones in the tall grass. The kids were being so cute, and yes, Aaron was helping to make them laugh. Sometimes he'd run up to them, then jump away just in time for the picture to be taken. So fun!
I love my girls! I was just glad everyone was in a good mood. Angie was so patient with us, and took millions of pics so we could end up with lots of good ones.
Yes, I love my boys too! I love this piture, as I think it captures a special bond between the two.
Emma is so cute here! She just looks so happy to be laying there with her mama!
Ellie has the sweetest little features. She is going to be our little peacemaker, I know it. She has the ability to express the sentiment, "everything is going to be fine", with just her eyes. She has been able to do that since she was just a little baby in my arms.
How did I ever get so lucky to be mom to such sweet kiddos? OK, granted I'm writing this at midnight and they've been tucked in bed for hours and I'm now well rested. But really, I love them so much and am thankful, so thankful that I get to be their mom.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Heart Attack!
Have you ever had a heart attack? I have given many in my lifetime, but for the first time ever, I recieved one tonight. This is what it looked like:
Now how could this not make me smile? It was after dinner, I had just woken up from a little nap (herceptin made me sleepy), and there was a ring of the doorbell. When I opened the door, there was no person in sight, but this is what I saw! Each heart had a little message on it such as "bald is beautiful", or "we love you"! One of the hearts said this was love from the Miamaids from the Arlington 1st ward.(Translation for non-mormons: love from the 14-15 year old girls from a congregation of Mormons that meets in Arlington.) So cute!
So today I went in for my weekly Herceptin drip. They assigned me to a semi-private room, which felt a little weird because there was already an older man and his wife in the tiny room when my friend Kim and I walked in. I said to him as I sat down, "So what are you in for?" just trying to make light of our obvious chemo-type situations. His answer was "Life." It turns out he found out in July that he has metastatic lung cancer. He just woke up one day and felt a little different, so he went to the doctor. He's got huge tumors in several of his organs and on his spine. No cure. Just treatment. So sad. I tried so hard to not cry talking to him but of course the tears welled up. His wife said that at least he didn't have a lot of regrets and things he wishes he had done. He lived a full life and had come to grips with what was happening to him. "It is what it is" she said.
My own news isn't so grim, though. My chemo is working!!!!! I can barely even tell I have a tumor in my breast at all anymore. Dr. Wang, my oncologist, today told me that she could barely feel it either. It has only been 2 weeks since I started chemo and already HUGE results! I couldn't be more thrilled. She told me it's entirely possible there would be no trace of the cancer by the time I have my surgery. But, yes, the surgery will still take place, in case you were going to ask. Also, my little tiny hairs on my scalp are starting to fall out. I guess that's another indication that the chemo is working, right? I was tweezing my eyebrows this morning, and you know how usually it kind of hurts? My hairs were just coming right out, no pain. No resistance. HIYAH Cancer!
So now it's 2am, and I'm still not tired. Darn after dinner nap.
Now how could this not make me smile? It was after dinner, I had just woken up from a little nap (herceptin made me sleepy), and there was a ring of the doorbell. When I opened the door, there was no person in sight, but this is what I saw! Each heart had a little message on it such as "bald is beautiful", or "we love you"! One of the hearts said this was love from the Miamaids from the Arlington 1st ward.(Translation for non-mormons: love from the 14-15 year old girls from a congregation of Mormons that meets in Arlington.) So cute!
So today I went in for my weekly Herceptin drip. They assigned me to a semi-private room, which felt a little weird because there was already an older man and his wife in the tiny room when my friend Kim and I walked in. I said to him as I sat down, "So what are you in for?" just trying to make light of our obvious chemo-type situations. His answer was "Life." It turns out he found out in July that he has metastatic lung cancer. He just woke up one day and felt a little different, so he went to the doctor. He's got huge tumors in several of his organs and on his spine. No cure. Just treatment. So sad. I tried so hard to not cry talking to him but of course the tears welled up. His wife said that at least he didn't have a lot of regrets and things he wishes he had done. He lived a full life and had come to grips with what was happening to him. "It is what it is" she said.
My own news isn't so grim, though. My chemo is working!!!!! I can barely even tell I have a tumor in my breast at all anymore. Dr. Wang, my oncologist, today told me that she could barely feel it either. It has only been 2 weeks since I started chemo and already HUGE results! I couldn't be more thrilled. She told me it's entirely possible there would be no trace of the cancer by the time I have my surgery. But, yes, the surgery will still take place, in case you were going to ask. Also, my little tiny hairs on my scalp are starting to fall out. I guess that's another indication that the chemo is working, right? I was tweezing my eyebrows this morning, and you know how usually it kind of hurts? My hairs were just coming right out, no pain. No resistance. HIYAH Cancer!
So now it's 2am, and I'm still not tired. Darn after dinner nap.
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