Radiation's not so bad yet

Hi, y'all! I swear the better I feel, the more I forget that I have a blog and some loyal subscribers I need to keep happy!  Yes, you heard it (read it).  I have been feeling really good.  I actually think radiation so far is more of a mind trip than anything else.  I have been so nervous about what is going to happen to me and how I'm going to feel, but it really hasn't been too bad yet!  I am really pink all over my left breast, arm pit, and collarbone area.  A pretty weird thing is that I'm starting to get pink on the left side of my upper back, too.  Yes, the radiation goes right on through to the other side.  Isn't that crazy??!! I also have what my Rad Onc called a "hot spot" in my arm pit. It is a purplish gray color kind of in the crease where it probably rubs the most when I move and stuff.  The GREAT thing is that I am numb for the most part in my breast and arm pit areas because of the mastectomy and axillary node dissection.  I'm sure it would bother me more if I felt it more.  So for now, I'm trying to keep my arm away from my body - I started using a small pillow to hold in my armpit, which also reminds me to not move my arm too much. 

We have been so blessed this month to be the recipients of tickets to do some fun fun family outings.  SCCA receives donations from businesses and individuals to provide these tickets and passes to the patients and their families.  Just this month, we've been up the Space Needle,
taken a harbor cruise around Elliot Bay, and sat in a private suite at Century Link Field to watch a Sounders Game. (We also got to attend a game earlier courtesy of Trevor's brother Ryan's employer). Trevor and another one of his brothers attended a Mariner's game using the tickets I won through SCCA. So, even though radiation can be a nuisance (I drive in to Seattle daily for my appointment) it has been neat to enjoy the perks. Here are some cute pics of our recent adventures:

We were standing in front of a green screen when this picture was taken (right before we went up the elevator at the space needle), then we were able to pick the backdrop we liked the best!

Argosy Cruise!



Isaac on the waterfront in Seattle.  We spent a day shopping in the fun shops, eating icecream, then going on our harbor cruise.

Emma and Ellie picking flowers at Twin Rivers Park here in Arlington.  We were going to walk down a trail to the river so we could throw rocks in, but all of the trails were either flooded or too muddy for our little family to pass.  Wah wah wah...

This is us sitting in our suite at the Seattle Sounders game!  It was so much fun.

We had a big fun Hammond family day at Kayak Point last Saturday, this is Emma on top of the fort the cousins were all building.



We were staying at a friends' cabin in Roslyn a couple of weekends ago.  Isaac is standing on the shores of Lake Cle Elum.

Now I'm wishing I was better at keeping up my blog, as I look through the pictures we've recently taken I realize that we really have done some fun things this month!  I really feel so blessed right now.  The cancer treatments are winding down and life is already starting to just feel "normal" again.  My last radiation appointment is scheduled for Monday the 14th.  That's only 4 more!!!!



Tit for Tat (and Tats for Tit)

So I took a little break from blogging and am now ready to jump back in to it.  I feel like I haven't had much to write about and I've been feeling so good and "normal" that blogging about cancer hasn't really been top on my priority list.  The past month or so I've been going to physical therapy to regain the range of motion in my arms and shoulders.  I also went to the plastic surgeon weekly for fills in my expanders.  I had to do those things before radiation began because my Rad Onc said not to do physical therapy during.  Also, I can't be expanded during or after radiation because the skin gets very tough and non-stretchable.

Mainly I'm blogging again because of the hilarious title I came up with.  You all know that I'm not one to get tatoos, really but cancer does something to you.  It changes you.  I decided to live a little and get inked.  I actually have 4 new tatoos.  Now don't get too excited, I didn't go overboard.  I didn't get a cool saying written in Japanese, or a snake around my bicep or even a Precious Moments character.  No, I went with 4 small black dots.

My Radiation Oncologist made me do it.  They are to help line up the lasers so they can find the right place to hit me with the radiation.  Wah wah wah.  Yes, I started radiation yesterday.  I'm a little nervous about what is going to happen to my skin.  Picture the worst sunburn you've ever had.  Then add a grayish black color to it.  Then peel back some of the skin.  Then add some huge cracks in the skin.  Then burn the other side of the body because the sun actually went all the way through the body and burned the other side.  That's what I'm scared of.  But they say that not everyone's body reacts the same way.  So maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who escapes w/out too much damage.

Last Wednesday, at my YSC support group, I was able to peek at some of the other girls' skin and pictures of what happened to their skin during radiation.  That's why I'm so scared.  The other side effect is fatigue.  Supposedly, radiation makes you really really tired.  But that's definitely manageable.

Speaking of fatigue, I'm so tired right now.  I'm going to bed.  Goodnight!

2 Weeks Post-Mastectomy

Well, it's been a couple of weeks now.  I'm still feeling pretty good, but sitting around doing nothing was getting pretty old.  THANK GOODNESS  I was able to get the last 2 drains removed on Tuesday.  That was pretty freeing, as those things were a nuisance.  I had to keep them in my little pockets in my camisoles, and when I took baths, I had to wear them on a lanyard around my neck.  Such a pain.  And during our meeting w/ the plastic surgeon (Dr. Scott) on Friday, he told me I was ok to start moving my arms a little more.  It's hard to know how much or how little to do on my own.  I don't have much of a reach, especially w/ my left arm (the side the lymph nodes were removed from), but it's definitely getting better. He told me that I'm healing up perfectly and there is very little chance of infection or any complications now that we're 2 weeks out.  Hoorah.  I made it through the critical period, I guess!

Dr Scott filled my expanders a little bit yesterday, too.  It was pretty amazing, especially because I felt no pain at all.  He used some sort of magnet doo-hicky to find the port under my skin.  Then he drew a little circle and inserted a needle (Trev said it was about an inch long) attached to a HUGE syringe that held the fluid.  I'm assuming it was saline.  I couldn't feel the prick of the needle or any pain during the expansion, but I could feel the skin getting stretched tighter.  Then he did the other side.  It's funny because he'd count down to the needle poke, and apologize for poking me. Next time, I'll have to scream or something.  :)

Well, in my last post I talked about the pathology report and how great it was that they only found a 2 cm tumor.  I actually had misunderstood Dr. Soriano's explanation over the phone.  I learned during our appointment on Tuesday that no, they did not find a 2 cm tumor.  What they found were a few rogue cancer cells within a 2 cm area.  MUCH better news, if you ask me!  I was wondering how they found a 2 cm tumor, when the MRI a couple weeks prior turned up no visible cancer at all.  So, we are just overjoyed that the chemo worked so well.

Every single choice we've made pertaining to my cancer treatment so far has ended up having such positive results.  It gives us confidence moving forward that Heavenly Father is directing us as we travel down this road.  We felt strongly that SCCA is where I need to go for my radiation oncology, rather then do it in Everett.  Today I kind of second guessed it to Trevor (thinking of the distance and the hassle of having to go in to Seattle every day for 6+ weeks, paying for parking...), but he reminded me that so far our decisions have been spot on, and we need to trust in the good feelings we had about SCCA.

So I'll sign off for now, but not before attaching a few more family photos from back in September.  We got the CD a while ago, and I'm pretty sure I haven't posted these particular pics here on the blog yet.  I'm just lucky I have such cute kids, I'm sure you're not sick of seeing them. :

One Week Post-Mastectomy

Well, I've been home from the hospital for a week now.  The surgery went well.  Where should I start? What do you want to know?  Honestly, it hasn't been bad!  I am under strict instructions to do nothing with my arms until further notice, so for the past week, I have sat on the reclining love seat doing really nothing as everyone else waits on me.  The person who should be complaining is Trevor.  He's now the Dad, the Mom, and my Home Care Nurse.  It's a big job and he's doing so well.  He spends a lot of the time just keeping the kids away from me, because the slightest touch or bump makes me wail in pain.  And I can't use my arms to push Ellie away if she starts climbing on me, so I yell for Trevor and he come running to grab her before she hurts me.

How does it feel?  Well, if I'm not moving around or being touched, the pain is controlled pretty well with the Vicodin (which I'm slowly trying to wean myself off of).  The sensation that bothers me the most is the numbness in the upper part of my left arm.  When the surgeon removed my lymph nodes, the nerves that go to the back of my arm were in the tissue, and were removed as well.  It's a weird combination of numbness and heightened sensitivity back there.  The slightest touch in one spot bothers me so much, but another spot right next to it is completely numb.  Trevor reminds me that my C-section incision felt the same way as it healed, and now it's just numb there.  So hopefully, the super-sensitivity goes away soon. 

Drains. I'll bet ya didn't know about the drains!  Unless you were one of my friends that came over a couple of nights ago and were subjected to a full show and tell!  But don't worry, I won't post pictures here. ;)  I left the hospital with 2 drains on each side.  2 tubes leading out of my body just under my armpits on each side lead to little bulbs that look like grenades.  Fluid drains from where my breasts were down the tubes and into the bulbs.  I have to wear special camisoles that have little pockets to hold my drains underneath my shirts.  Then twice a day I empty, measure and record the amount and color of fluid that I've lost.  The color was bright red for the first couple days and has gradually changed to yellow.  When the amount of fluid decreases to an amount pleasing to my surgeon, I get the drains removed.

Two days ago, I saw my plastic surgeon, Dr. Scott, for a post surgery check up.  He said everything was healing fine, and the fluid was low enough to get rid of one drain on each side.  He just snipped a stitch and just pulled the things out!  Yes, it pinched a little, and it made me pretty woozy, but it wasn't horrible.  So, now I'm down to 2.  YES!  As you can imagine, it isn't very fun having tubes coming out of your body.  It's really weird, and I can't wait for the last two to go bye bye.

He did expand the expanders a tiny bit at the time of surgery, and he said he'd expand me a bit more next week.  He's going to do that to take up space and eliminate space for fluid to build up inside my chest.  Then he'll leave me alone for a little while as I heal, I think.

OH!  How could I neglect to report that we heard back from pathology?!  Dr. Soriano called Friday evening to tell us that they found the tumor in the breast tissue and it had shrunk to 2cm, and the margins were great.  This was good news because if the tumor had been too close to the chest muscle, I would have had to go back in for another surgery as they removed more of my muscle.  Ugh.  Also, out of the 11 lymph nodes removed, 0 had cancer in them!!  And they found no cancer on the right side (which was only a slight concern in the first place).  Happy day!  Trevor and I are so excited. 

All in all, I'm thrilled with how things are going.  I have said it before and I'll say it again:  I'd rather recover from surgery a million times than go through chemo again once.  I'm so happy right now!  I know it's been extra easy for me because of my wonderful husband and a tremendous amount of support from our family and friends.  Thanks everyone for praying for me and being there to help us out.

Mastectomy Eve!

Well, tomorrow's a big day for me:  the day I lose my womanhood. ;)  I'm actually feeling pretty OK with everything, considering what's coming up.  I'm mostly concerned that it's going to be hard not holding and hugging my kids for a few weeks.  As I tucked the girls in their beds tonight, I was thinking of how sad it was that this would be the last time in a while that I'll be able to pick up Ellie and hold her tight. She's running a fever tonight, so I've had to distance myself from her so I don't get sick before the surgery, and it's been hard.

It has been a while since my last blog post.  Truthfully, I've been feeling so good and life has been so very normal, that I haven't had any updates.  I've been cleaning my own house, cooking food and for the most part taking care of my own kids!  It has felt great to have my life back and get back to the way it was before chemo.  For the most part.  I still take almost daily afternoon naps.  The fatigue is still there, mostly I think because I don't sleep well at night anymore - hot flashes.

About a week and a half ago, we met with my surgeon, Dr. Soriano, to discuss the upcoming surgery.  I asked him a question I don't recommend ever asking a doctor if you have cancer: What are the chances of recurrence after my treatment is finished?  What he told us completely rocked our world.  He told us that I had a 60% chance of living for 5 more years.  Uh, what?  So are you saying I have a 40% chance of dying in the next 5 years?  (I'm such a pessimist, I know.)  He said that the nature of my HER2 positive cancer is very aggressive and the tumor was really large.  According to the past studies, 60% of women with that kind of tumor that same size lived for the next 5 years.  After crying a little- or a lot, I'm not sure, we asked him all sorts of questions about what we could possibly do to increase my survival rate.  He told me to eat organically, and watch what kinds of health and beauty products I use.  He gave me a website to consult for this and recommended 3 books to read.

Hmm... so maybe this cancer thing is a little more serious than we thought?  We scheduled an MRI to determine whether the tumor affected my chest muscle or not.  This would determine whether or not Dr. Soriano  would have to remove any of the muscle during the mastectomy.  The absolutely WONDERFUL news is that the MRI showed no trace of the cancer!  The chemo did it's job as well as any of us could have hoped it would.

In light of our new found realization of the serious nature of my condition, we decided to go to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for a second opinion.  Luckily, we were able to get in before the date of my scheduled surgery, and we had all of my medical records sent over to them.  The appointment was last Tuesday, and I'm really glad we went there.  All 3 doctors (surgeon, medical oncologist, and radiation oncologist) met with me briefly first thing, then we had an hour break as the doctors talked about my case in a conference.  My good friend Emily works nearby, so she knew all the best hospital cafeterias in the area and took us to a really nice one. ;)  Anyways, when we got back to the SCCA, we spent a very long afternoon meeting with each doctor individually.

We learned that my medical oncologist in Everett had me on the harshest chemo drugs she could have chosen (Yay, Dr. Wang!  She picked the right ones, they worked!).  So, all my whining was for good cause.  We also learned that the radiation oncologist at SCCA specializes in breast radiation, and uses a neat new technique that will minimize exposure to my heart and lungs of the radiation.  We also learned of another reconstruction option that sounds like it will be better for me.  The surgeon said that a plastic surgeon could insert expanders at the time of the mastectomy, then stretch my skin over the course of the next several weeks before radiation.  After radiation, those expanders would be swapped out for permanent implants.  This eliminates the need to pull skin and muscle or fat from other areas of my body.  And it eliminates the need for another major surgery in the fall.  And most importantly, we learned that these doctors think I have a much better chance of surviving for 5 more years. :)  I'm feeling very positive and hopeful for the future.

After a stressful couple of days trying to coordinate everything, I'm all set for my bilateral skin-sparing mastectomy, auxillary node removal and expander placement tomorrow morning bright and early!  See you on the flippity flip!

Bye Bye chemo!

Dare I say it?  I think I'm finally done with chemo!!  I had kind of a false alarm on Monday morning, though.  I woke up early in the morning laying perfectly still doing my usual "week after chemo" mental checklist.  Do I feel nauseated?  No.  Is there any type of weird burning sensation in my chest?  No.  Am I uncomfortable in any way?  No.  Am I hungry?  Yes.  Do I want to see my kids?  Yes.  Do I have enough energy to get out of bed?  Yes.  Tears sprung to my eyes, and I immediately hit my knees and said the most thankful prayer I can ever remember saying.  

Then I got out of bed and saw this on the living room floor:

Now, if you have never received a love note written entirely out of legos, well... I don't know what to tell you.  Trevor is pretty good.  Not just pretty good.  He's been amazing throughout this whole ordeal.  He continues to love me through all my cranky sicky days, and has to pick up a LOT of slack around here.  I'm so lucky. :)

But, dagnabbit, I was still sick.  But now I think I'm better.  What a difference a couple of days makes.  Anyways, I'll spare the talk of how I got sick again, and all the throwing up, and the 4 hour visit to the doctor to get more meds and fluids because of my dehydration.  That's over and done, right?  

I really want to share a little ditty from another cancer survivor's blog that I recently discovered.  It's from chemobabe.com.  She's pretty insightful and has been down the journey I'm on, and it's helpful for me to hear and learn from others' experiences.  I LOVED the following metaphor:

Chemotherapy as a treatment is like walking along and arriving at a great chasm in my path. I can’t see the bottom but am told that I must go forward into the pit if I want to continue on with my life. So I reluctantly slide down into that chemo-hole, not sure what snakes or rats or crags or spiders might hurt me along the way down, not knowing exactly where the bottom lies, whether its made of soft mud or hard concrete. I brace myself for the bottom and, once I hit, I recover some, gather up my strength. Then I scale my way back out, climbing toward light and life, looking to find solid ground again. Arriving back on land, perhaps scarred, scared, weary, and even bitten, I must walk forward again, in order to actively choose my life. Soon I face another chasm, another chemo-hole, which may or may not be like the previous one. In general, I have been told, the pits will get nastier as I progress on this path, but I also learn some crag-avoiding tricks and ways to break my fall. But down I go, and somehow, once again, I must try to find my way out of that darkness, knowing that I will crawl back into the light, only have to sink down again.

The time spent at the bottom of the pit is the hardest. There is a moment of time, after I have landed at the bottom and have had the wind knocked out of me, where I am stunned and confused, not quite able to take anything in. But then I get this fighting feeling and want to scramble out with as much might as I can muster. My coming to usually involves hearing my children’s voices, whether in joy or distress. I resent being sidelined from their lives. As soon as I am able, I feel compelled to get out of the hole, no matter how battered down I have been, if only to hear about their day, brush their hair, or ooo and aaah at their latest art project.

She paints a good picture of what it feels like.  Part of the torture of chemo is that you voluntarily allow the poison to drip in to your body.  It feels so wrong, but you know it has to be done.  And yes, each cycle of chemo was worse than the last.  And I completely resented being "sidelined" from my kids' lives.  I still resent it, but I've come to some cool realizations that are helping with these feelings.    

Let me give you a teeny tiny snapshot of what's been going on around here:  Monday afternoon my parents and Cavin arrived to help me and to take care of the girls while Trevor drove down to pick up Isaac in Centralia.  They cooked, cleaned, read to me, played with the girls, and put them to bed.  They let me nap, bathe, relax and heal.  

Tuesday morning, my friend Leah comes over in the morning.  She makes the kids waffles, then bundles the girls up in snow clothes and walks them home to her house, as she is watching them for me all day.  Enter Elise and Michelle.  They have just battled the snowy roads to come clean my house for me.  I am on the phone with a nurse when they arrive.  The nurse wants me to come in to the hospital right away, the doctor is going to want to see me.  So we send Isaac down to Cindy's house for the day to play, and Trevor drives me to the hospital.  My friends stay at the house and continue deep cleaning, locking up after they finished.  After 4 hours at the hospital, completely exhausted but feeling better, we return to the house to find our driveway/sidewalks have been shoveled for the 2nd day in a row, thanks to Leah's husband.  About 45 minutes later, DeeDee arrives with dinner.  15 minutes after that, the girls come home.  It's now 5pm, and Barby knocks on the door.  She is here to help serve and clean up dinner.  I actually had to call Kim and tell her we wouldn't need her to come over at 7 to help get kids ready for bed, and that we'd take a rain check.

Did I mention this is just a SNAPSHOT?  This is the kind of help our family has been receiving.  We are so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by loving family and friends.  The tears flow freely as I type this, and I'll try to explain:

Have you ever had an assignment at church that you really liked, then just when you were feeling confident and comfortable in your position, you get released from that job and someone else takes over?  Or for those who have gone on missions, do you remember the weird feeling you'd have when you were transferred to another area, and you had to leave behind the people you loved that you were teaching?  These are small ways I believe the Lord is teaching us that this is HIS work, not ours.  We can live our lives serving Him and doing our very best, but no matter how much we try to make it about us, it's not.  He is in charge and we can help Him or not.  

I feel that while I have been "sidelined" so to speak during a small portion of my childrens' childhood, Heavenly Father has been orchestrating things masterfully and has not missed a beat.  My children are being so very well cared for.  My children are HIS work!  I actually feel like I am getting free parenting lessons from all the wonderful women who have been helping me.  I just watch and learn.  My house still gets clean.  We eat lovingly prepared meals.  We are being taken care of.  I'm not saying that I'm being replaced or "transferred", or anything like that.  But I'm coming to realize I shouldn't worry so much and that the Lord is so involved in a very real way.  This doesn't diminish at all the efforts of the friends and family around us.  Quite the opposite.  I feel like they are angels!  Doing the Lord's work.

I do wish I could do my mamma proud and be a good "thank you" note writer right now.  This practice was deeply drilled into me from my childhood.  Not that I was ever perfect at it, but I at least know enough to feel guilty when I don't write one!  I'm sure after reading this, mom will volunteer to come over and help me hammer out a bunch of 'em. :)

Almost done with the "Crappy Crap"!!

All right everyone, here I sit watching My Little Ponies with Emma and Ellie the night before my VERY LAST CHEMO INFUSION!! Yes, can you tell I'm a little happy about that?  (No, not the Pony part... I tried watching Sound of Music with them but they got bored with the talking parts, then I tried Wizard of Oz, but they were scared by the wizard.  So I finally let Emma pick a show.) (And stop judging me for letting them watch so much TV tonight.  I'm really tired.)  I will go in early in the morning for a blood draw, then meet with my Oncologist, ask her all my burning questions, then go to support group all before my 12:00 appointment for liquid poison.  I am praying that my blood counts will all be in the normal range, because last time I went in for my scheduled chemo, my platelets and red blood cell counts were too low, and my doctor had me wait another week.  I looked at her and cried because it ruined my plan to be done with this treatment by Jan 4.  And it ruined my plan to be healthy the week before Christmas.  But, I've heard that is kind of common, especially towards the end of treatment...And it all ended up working out just fine, though.  The change in schedule made it possible for Trevor and I to attend the Young Survivor Coalition holiday party.  This is the support group I attend that meets in Seattle.  It seems to be more than a support group, but a great  community of women, who continue to come to meetings and events long after treatment is over. I have made some friends there and have had some really good talks.  I love it because I get to learn all the lovely things my mind and body have in store in the coming months and years. ;)

On the subject of "things that are common towards the end of chemo", my hair is actually starting to grow back.  It's kind of weird that it would grow back so soon, but I'm not gonna argue!  It's not thick and lovely looking, but is sparse, soft and sickly looking.  But, it's HAIR!  I'm kind of curious what it will grow back like: They say that straight hair after chemo grows back curly, so I'm guessing my curly hair will grow back curli-er.  Can't wait to find out.

OK now, I'm sitting in the hall outside of the Kids' rooms waiting for Emma to fall asleep.  She is scared of bedtime recently and sometimes if I sit here until she falls asleep, it helps her feel safe. She thinks a monster will come out of her closet.  :(  

OK, this is a little off topic, but here is a picture Emily Stephens took of me and Isaac last weekend in a Krispy Creme.  Not quite sure why my had looks all jacked up... See us smiling with excitement watching those hot doughnuts come out of the oil?  We spontaneously hopped off the freeway on our way down to Centralia just because we saw the "HOT NOW" sign lit up. We were so excited to get our free Original Glazed doughnut fresh off the belt, only to find out they "don't do that anymore". Ugh.  Ya mean we have to BUY our doughnuts?!!  What is that all about?

Well, I just read through this post and it is probably more random than most. Sorry 'bout that. You have to read it in the same order I think it, I guess.  Anyways, wish me luck!  Here's to blood counts in the "normal" range, and a week of sickness.  I promise I won't complain, I am excited to put chemo behind me.  And I'm excited to be the one that the nurses come over to and clap for tomorrow... I'm gonna make some newbie cry with jealousy!  Heh heh heh.